The Missing Step When Changing Your Drinking / EP 132

What if you're not stuck... just unheard?

You know alcohol isn't helping.

You've read the books. You've learned the science. You've tried to change.

So why do the same patterns keep coming back?

In this episode of Sober & Lit, Susan and Ruby explore the missing piece that many alcohol-free journeys overlook:

• Why knowing isn't always enough
• The hidden beliefs that quietly fuel drinking
• How self-compassion creates lasting change
• A simple practice to soothe your inner critic instead of fighting it

If you're ready to stop battling yourself and start healing from the inside out, this episode will meet you with hope, compassion, and a new perspective on what true alcohol freedom looks like. 

Don't forget to follow and subscribe and leave a review! It helps to get the word out that living sober is lit! 

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Connect with the Podcast Hosts:
Susan Larkin Coaching https://www.susanlarkincoaching.com
Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Susan: @drinklesswithsusan
Follow Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching

It is strongly recommended that you seek professional advice regarding your health before attempting to take a break from alcohol. The creators, hosts, and producers of the The Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast are not healthcare practitioners and therefore do not give medical, or psychological advice nor do they intend for the podcast, any resource or communication on behalf of the podcast or otherwise to be a substitute for such.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What I'm seeing in my coaching practice is that the things that are keeping clients stuck are those deeper inner thoughts of why can't I drink like everyone else? That then leads to deeper thoughts of and beliefs that I'm not good enough or there's something wrong with me. And that can lead to drinking to numb that deep, hurty place. And a lot of times coaches jump to, oh, let's rewire that thought. Is it true? Et cetera. But I believe we're missing a crucial step when it comes to this deep inner work that I can't wait to share with you. Welcome to Sober and Lit, the podcast for women who want to get sober, stay sober, and live a life that's way more lit than it ever was with wine.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

We're your hosts, Ruby and Susan, two alcohol freedom coaches keeping it real with stories, tools, and zero judgment.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Whether you're sober, curious, or all in, you're in the right place. Let's feel lit, alcohol free. Welcome to the Sober and Lit Podcast. We are so excited to be with you today, Ruby and I. Oh my gosh, here we are in the middle of our third season of reclining every single week. An episode. And it's just such an honor and a privilege to be able to share our coaching practices, our tips, our alcohol-free life with you. So today I wanted to talk about something that I'm seeing a lot in my coaching practice. And I'm so when I'm working with clients, we do deep work together. And I notice even with myself, when I get coached by someone, when we just jump to let's rewire that thought or belief, without this step that I'm going to share with you, it feels it feels hard sometimes. It feels like cognitive dissonance. So if the thought or belief that is keeping us stuck in our drinking is one of those deeper thoughts, those deep, hurdy thoughts. Mine is, I'm not doing it right, I'm doing it wrong. There's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough. Those are the ones that are the refrain that always come back to when I'm feeling that deep, hurdy place. And I'm I know how my hurty place feels now because I've been doing this work. And it and honestly, it's lifetime work, right? Those still sometimes come up, that that inner critic. And there's definitely different approaches out there, like banish that inner critic or fight the fear or you know, uh extinguish the fear. But I just don't think that works. I think that the rewiring process definitely does work, and that work really matters, but there is a gap here. When we ask our mind to do this cognitive work with a feeling before that feeling's been acknowledged, that causes cognitive dissonance because our subconscious brain is still feeling that feeling. It's kind of like gaslighting. And maybe an analogy is it's trying to reason with a crying child before you've knelt down and hugged them first and calmed and soothed them, right? So the step that we're missing, I use the word honoring, and honoring how we're feeling in that moment is not necessarily agreeing with the thought I'm not good enough or saying that that is true, but it's acknowledging that hurty part of you that is carrying that belief that is real and actually has been trying to protect you. So skipping this step really creates resistance. And then the the rewiring questions can feel like you're gaslighting yourself. If you haven't first said, I see you and this hurts. What do you think about that?

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Validating.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

Yeah, validating. Validating.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Yeah, I'm trying to think of I love this honoring idea and honoring and acknowledging and validating the actual feelings that you're having because they're true and real. And we don't want to just say the opposite's true. Um Right. Yeah. I guess there's like all the different types. There's like the the little thoughts that you have, and then the bigger beliefs. And then I think what you're talking about, though, is what I I call like the tree trunk deepest belief. Like I am broken, or there's something wrong with me. Or what did you say? Like I'm unlovable. You know, that we're not good enough. I'm not good enough. Yeah, these are these are like I think with almost everyone we come across, or at least me, that I come across, it feels like we can we keep working and working to this like really deep, you know, um, you know, I'm I'm a broken person or something's wrong with me, or I, you know, and it's just and it and then it comes back to this little you mentioned a little kid, right? It it usually it started from childhood. Yes. So I think you're spot on with this, and I can't wait to hear what you're gonna say.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Well, so why why I'm even bringing this up is clients get, you know, we get really frustrated when we know all the things, we know the science, we have tactics, and yet we still find ourselves getting stuck in the drinking pattern, and it can be so frustrating. And sometimes when I talk to clients, they're like, Well, I just feel like I'm I'm left out, or I feel like sometimes I'm drinking to belong. And and then they're go, but that's stupid, or I know that's not true, or I know I can have fun without drinking. You know, it's like, and they just get so mad at themselves, but really underneath that belonging is where those deeper things lie. And so we do have to do a little bit of digging there to get to, but why are you drinking to belong? Why do you feel left out? And a lot of times we drink in order to belong, right? In order to feel like we fit in and andor to numb that hurtdy place. So I see both of those, you know, just it's just the pain of that feeling of I'm not good enough is so strong that our subconscious brain just goes to soothe that. And the only tool our subconscious brain has is alcohol because it's worked, right? And so it wants to just get that immediate relief. And so this deeper work is part of the work that I do with my one-on-one coaching practice. And I feel like this is just divine work to work so closely with these women and to really help them, you know, get through those layers and get to what that nut is, and then to to be able to have this practice. And I learned this through my sacred depths life coaching that I went through. And I just when it just felt so right when I heard it. And I've been, you know, using this in my coaching practice ever since. And I just, again, I feel like it's this missing step from jumping to let's rewire that thought to wait, let's stop and honor the the you that is feeling that. So again, we're not saying that the thought is true and we're not validating the thought. We are just honoring the feeling.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

The feeling. Yeah. And this reminds me a lot of like rain meditation that you and I did for years together. Yeah, that nurturing, like nurturing and honoring and acknowledging. Yeah. So yeah. What does it look like?

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Yeah. Well, so what it looks like in practice is just allowing the feeling to be fully felt without rushing it. And then this next step is just acknowledging, yes, and then offering compassion and love to that part of yourself. We cannot hate ourselves to a better place. So a lot of times we should, and I should know better. And, you know, I know I need to change this thought. You know what I mean? I know I shouldn't drink to belong, or I know I don't need to, da da da, you know what I mean? And that's just beating ourselves up, right? So if we just stop and offer compassion and even love to that part of yourself the way you would to a friend or younger version of you. And what I bring in if I'm working with a Christian client is we bring in the Holy Spirit and say, you know, what would allow that place of you to be healed a little? I'm putting my hands on my heart. I often say, you know, what place your hands on the place that where you feel the hurt from this and just press some love into that. And imagine, you know, God's love healing that place and ministering to that place. What would Jesus want to tell you? You know, that's some of the stuff that I do with Christian clients. I work with all kinds of clients. If you're not a Christian, then it's just applying love. We have everything we need inside us. We don't really need that outside substance. So if we can just take a moment and acknowledge, name, notice, and allow the feelings and press some love into that and compassion, feel it, and then go into okay, well, is that really true? And then, you know, the external experience, the internal experience. And then, you know, a lot of times we can't completely turn that around to, no, I am enough, you know, like yeah. So we usually work on a latter thought or what really is true. And the things that women come up with after that moment of allowing that a little bit of healing are truly remarkable. And it's just, it's again, it's divine work. It's divine work then to hear that um they come up with their own turnaround, they come up with their own truth in that moment. And then the practice is to walk that truth out. The practice is to use that as like your mantra, to use that, you know, put legs to it. It's like that's a little breakthrough, but action steps are what create transformation from a breakthrough. And so just reminding ourselves, do some journaling around this experience. And again, it's not the last time you're gonna have that feeling because I'm still struggling with sometimes feeling like I'm not good enough. But I recognize it, yeah. But this the awareness, though, where we go, okay, wait, what's going on? It's a red flag for us to calm down and apply that nurturing and go, okay, what's really true? I mean, in all or nothing thinking, and to continue to do that that healing work. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

So many people that that come that have become addicted to alcohol or have alcohol use disorder have these deep hurts from oftentimes childhood, teenage childhood or very young. It just depends. But it it's very so if you were struggling with this and you have this deep hurt, if like, you know, we're talking to you, you're like, oh yeah. I mean, you're not alone. It's it feels like so many people have had something, something happen. So it's not what's wrong with you, it's what's happened to you, and then acknowledge it, validate it, feel it. And I love this honoring. Yeah, I love that word.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

I know. It just feels so like honor where you've been, honor how you feel before we try to change it.

SPEAKER_01 11:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:14

And it's it's not about staying stuck in the feeling. So it is a bridge that actually makes the rewiring stick. So if you have done some acts on your own, act technique, or some thought turnarounds on your own, and you're just like, why aren't these sticking? Like I know I did this, and then you find yourself not really believing it. Maybe there's some honoring there that needs to happen because I truly believe this is the step that helps make the rewiring actually stick. And it's little ladder steps. Again, we're not going from I'm not good enough to I'm good enough, you know, like that's not this process. I could tell you that for sure. You know, sometimes with a thought like, I like the taste of alcohol to I don't like the taste of alcohol or that kind of thing, you can do a complete turnaround and boom, and that thought, you know, that belief is just gone, you know, through your experience. But these deeper things really do, they are levels. They are, yeah, you know and it's lifetime work, like you said.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

It's lifetime work because uh it just keeps showing up again and again in different ways. But what I also want to share is that this is a process when you work with a coach that you start to empower yourself and love yourself. It truly is a like a self-love, self-kindness journey where you really can transform. And just life is so much lighter and it's it's just not quite as heavy. All the things that happen every day, you just can handle everything just slightly better because maybe it's that belief too. Like when you work with Coach Susan and you're you're finding that divine, the divine. You know, I speak more of like the universe, that the universe has your back, kind of like, or that Jesus has your back, right? That yeah, that you can find that and have that lightness.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Yeah, yeah. And at first, I think that definitely you can start doing this work on your own. But at first, it's really hard to do this deeper work on your own because it could be really disorienting to sit with a painful belief instead of wanting to immediately fix it. And most of us don't really have a practice of doing that really safely. We want, you know, we want to rush past the discomfort, straight to the numbing, or straight to fixing the thought or beating ourselves up because that's just what we've done in the past. You know, at least I did. Or just like, okay, get over it, Susan, like move on. Like, what's wrong with you? You know, let's not wallow. And a coach can really help you stay in the honoring long enough for it to actually land and just help you work through it and help you create a pattern or a practice that you can use on your own going forward, especially once you're able to use it around your drinking and get some traction around your drinking. Then you can use it when it comes up for other areas in your life. But again, like I've talked about previously, when we use alcohol to numb these herty feelings, to use it as a coping mechanism or medicinal purposes. You know, that's what we're using it for in those moments of those deep, hurdy beliefs and feelings about ourselves. It's duly reinforcing. It not only brings us comfort and numbs, but it also gives us that big reward. And so it, these are the sticky parts of addiction, really. This is, again, why we can go into alcohol use disorder a little bit faster when we are numbing these deep-seated feelings. And so that can be tricky and hard. And so working with someone can really help this process go more smoothly and help you really get some traction. And once you get traction, I'm telling you, these are the biggest things that once you can work on your drinking to a point where you get some momentum and you've worked on some of these deep-seated feelings and beliefs, then you just take off. You just, you know, you take off. My husband's like, you have a terrible business model. Once people, once people, if people are successful in working with you, they don't need you anymore. And I'm like, yeah, I know. But that's okay because it's not really a business, it's more of a calling. And when you see these people get free, right? And go off and do amazing things. It is the best feeling, is the best feeling. When I end a coaching session and I'm like, wow, we did some deep work here. Wow, this client really made some progress here. It is the best feeling in the world.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

It's it's like a feeling of love for me. Um, like deep love and gratitude when I work with women. Yeah, that feeling and that that shift when they when they when they come to a call and they're like, and oftentimes they notice it after too, not even during. They'll be like, you know, you'll have a good session, but then they come back the next week and they're like, My gosh, I had the most massive shift after our session. And then they explain how they just like last night she said, I feel so much better and I have agency on my life. And I was just like, wow. You know, and she goes, It's the first time ever. And I was like, Yeah, it's just, and it's these little shifts around what you're talking about, honoring, honoring. Yeah, we had a hard childhood. Maybe that if that if that's the thing.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

Yeah, yeah. And it's really that's you know, that's not therapy, right? Because we're take we're we're taking where you are now and then moving forward. And therapy is going back and looking at these. And so maybe it works in tandem with therapy. I have a lot of clients that are in therapy to work through some of these childhood traumas. That's out of my scope, but working with me around those thoughts and beliefs around your drinking as a drinking coach. You know, I have a lot of clients whose therapists are so glad they're working with me. I know they're drinking, you know, because sometimes a lot of therapists don't feel qualified necessarily to work around addiction, to work around, and and I use the word addiction with a little A, you know what I mean? But again, we always talk about alcohol is an addictive substance. It is an alcohol-use disorder on a spectrum. And I know we don't like that word, but it is addictive. And when we are caught in that cycle, we are caught in a cycle of addiction. Just to be honest about it.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Yeah, and addiction, it's just a habit that you it causes you harm. You know it's harmful and you still do it anyway. So I mean, I mean, I guess, yeah, that word doesn't bother me very much because I know I'm addicted to all kinds of things like my phone, and I know it's not great for me, you know. But so it's it's it's like you know it's harmful, but you still do it anyway because of the cravings or because of the dopamine hit. The dopamine hit. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 18:13

The reward. It's not you, it's alcohol. You know what I mean? So it's not you, it is alcohol. It's an addictive substance. Again, it gives you relief and reward at the same time. That makes it doubly addictive. And your brain starts to believe you need it to survive, just like food and water. And so this process is retraining our brain around that, but we can't do that unless we're honoring those deep-seated feelings and beliefs that we were using alcohol to numb and start to heal them by uh recognizing them and and listening for what they want to tell us sometimes. Yeah, you know, what wisdom they have, those feelings have for us. They just want to be acknowledged. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:58

Mm-hmm. And oftentimes in in coaching sessions, I think women just want to be heard and share. And oftentimes just saying the words and explaining their feelings and then having a coach. Because we're we are different than a therapist. We can say, I get you, I've been there. And we can we get you, and we've been there, you know, for for a lot of this. So, and that's important. And I just I really feel honored too. I love that word, when some someone, a client will say, I've never been able to share this with anybody else on the planet, but I trust you and I'm gonna share this with you. And then it's it's an honor to hold space.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

It is, yes, it is an honor, it is divine to hold space and and to have someone let you into their life in such a deep way. And I don't take that lightly, you know. Yeah, I know. So you're you're so yeah, so my so what I want to just urge you is if you're in this place and you realize that you keep going back to it and something deeper is keeping you stuck, I just urge you to reach out to either Ruby or I and and book an appointment. It is scary at first, you know. You could have a vulnerability hangover around it. I get it. It's it's a lot to reach out about this, but both Ruby and I are super gentle. I think you will feel comfortable. And let's just explore this a little bit and see if we can get you some relief and traction around some of these deeper things that may be keeping you stuck. All right. Well, so Ruby, this is our listener's favorite part of the podcast. What are you doing in your life to feel lit?

SPEAKER_01 20:47

A great question. And I, when we were preparing for this podcast episode, I was like, oh, I I don't know. Because right now, you guys, listeners, I am packing and moving my house. So yeah, I'm a little bit uh busy and a little bit stressed out. So, but what am I doing? I am still doing this. I discovered this app. It's called Merlin Bird ID, and it's a free app. I recommend it to everyone you're gonna get addicted to. Maybe or addicted is the wrong word because it's so fun and beautiful. But what it is, is it's a little app where you record live bird sounds. So every morning, I I kid you not, every single morning, it's a way to get out. And I hit record, and what's so fun about it is I'm really listening and learning. So as birds are singing, chirping, it starts to identify them. So all of a sudden I've got, I'm gonna pull one up. One day I had 17 different birds in one minute. So think about it, it's just like it sounds like a symphony when I wake up and go out on my front porch. And yeah, so then it you can click to so as they're chirping, as like it's noticing one or the other, you can start to really so now I know that that's a hawk, that's a crow, that's a robin. Like I'm starting to really learn and it gives you information about the birds. So this the day there was 17, which was the most, there was woodpeckers, goose speak, wrens, swallows, another woodpecker, pecker, or another woodpecker. It gives you all the different types crows, hawks, sparrows, robin, peewees, tohis, finch. I mean it's just and then there's owls, and it'll it'll hear the, you know, the the I have turkeys too. So all of this is happening. And then I can do it at different times of the day. Sometimes I do it in the afternoon or the evening. Seems like the mornings and the evenings are the best. Like if you want to, but it's just I just it's like a morning kind of ritual, and the birds are out there when it's still kind of dark, you guys. And it's like dawn. It's like still dark and almost dawn. And it's so it's so much fun. And I think you can take this all over the world. So, like, you know, I'm planning to go. Well, I'm gonna go to Hawaii in October. Yeah, which you don't know that yet, but I'll tell you more later. But yeah, I'm gonna so I want to take this like with me wherever I travel and see which kind of birds are showing up. And anyway, I recommend this. It's really fun. Like, I I've recommended it to my friends, my parents, my son. Everybody's just like, ever since you recommended that, they love it. And it's super fun. You're gonna love it, Susan, if you get it.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

I want to try it because I hear all sorts of birds, and uh I had this experience where I was sitting outside on the deck and I heard all this, and I had found a little piece of shell, a little blue piece of shell underneath this particular. It's a big bushy evergreen tree next to my deck. And so I found this little blue shell. And so I thought, oh my gosh, these birds have just hatched or hatched recently, and this piece of shell fell down. So I was like pulling the branches apart to see if I could find the nest. And out of the bush came like six little tiny birds, but they were flying and they were flying all around me. And it was so I was like, oh my gosh, I feel like Cinderella, like all these little birds flying around me. Except that it was a little bit more terrifying than that. So maybe it was more like the birds versus Cinderella, but the birds in Bodega Bay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

Yeah, which by the way, it's cute.

SPEAKER_00 24:36

Uh-huh. Oh, so it was so fun. It was just so neat to see these baby birds, and then I think they flew away for a while. And then I think now when I sit on the deck, I can hear them and they're chit-chatting and chitter-chattering together and making so much little noise. Yeah. So that's so neat.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

And you can also, the the app has like information about the birds, like where it's located. Um, so in my area, I get a notif a notification that there are like 300 different birds you can find in Sebastopol, my town. So, you know, you can use it as like a challenge. Try to find all 300 birds and maybe go to different areas, different parks or different neighborhoods and try to find them all.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

I I don't know. That's so neat. And you know what's beautiful is that listening to bird song calms your nervous system. It does. So if you're all stressed out with this move, going out in this practice of listening to the bird song and recording it and then finding out what birds it uh they are, you know, is actually soothing your nervous system. So that's so beautiful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:39

And it just, and even just listening, I'll record it just so I can kind of get an idea of, and now I'm starting to notice what like a finch. There's like a whole family of finch that live right on on my deck and in the trees there. And I just know now, oh, those are the finches, you know, and they're so cute.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

They're just these little tiny tiny brown, and so they have a little yellow, like a little yellow spike on their head.

SPEAKER_01 26:01

But there's also quails all over in the vineyard. I'm in a vineyard. There's tons. I just anyway, it's beautiful, and it does sound like a symphony. And I think the original, like, you know, in the 14th century and whatever that wrote music back then, they were listening to the birds and like trying to copy it. So I think I do see it as like a symphony or an orchestra of just bird song.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

Orchestra of nature, beautiful. Well, that is so fun. Thank you so much for being with us today. Again, reach out if you want to do some of this deeper work with either me or Ruby. And remember, do something today to help you feel lit. Thanks so much for listening to the Sober and Lit podcast.

SPEAKER_01 26:47

If you enjoyed this episode, we would love it if you would subscribe, rate, and review. It really helps get the word out. And remember, do something today to help you feel lit. See you next week.