Unpacking the F Word: Failure as a Tool for Growth / EP 53

Welcome back to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast!  In today’s episode, Susan and Ruby confront the notorious "F word"—failure. As we kick off the new year, we dive into why failure might just be your secret weapon in tackling Dry January. Why is failure so feared, and could it actually be your biggest ally? Drawing from Andrew Huberman's insights on neuroplasticity, we explore how failure fuels brain adaptation and growth. This isn’t about setbacks; it’s about stepping stones. Ready to redefine failure and transform your alcohol-free journey?

Join us for actionable tips, personal stories, and motivation to keep your fire lit. What if every stumble was just a setup for your next big leap?  Tune in and let’s get started!

Time Stamp
00:00 Embracing failure: neuroplasticity encourages adaptation.
03:16 Redefining success and failure for personal growth.
07:15 Learn from failures; progress despite setbacks.
12:39 AA can evoke shame in some clients.
15:17 Alcohol changes how we feel, often negatively.
17:01 Kids embrace failure for growth, adults hesitate.
21:22 Patience mantra helped during an alcohol-free journey.
23:55 Create empowering affirmations for motivation and resilience.

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, and ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol-free lifestyle. Your question could be the highlight of a future episode!

Join our Feel Lit AF Facebook Community for amazing support and connection!

Watch Episode on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@FeelLitAlcoholFreePodcast/videos

Websites:
Susan Larkin Coaching https://www.susanlarkincoaching.com/
Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Susan: @drinklesswithsusan
Follow Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching

It is strongly recommended that you seek professional advice regarding your health before attempting to take a break from alcohol. The creators, hosts, and producers of the The Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast are not healthcare practitioners and therefore do not give medical, or psychological advice nor do they intend for the podcast, any resource or communication on behalf of the podcast or otherwise to be a substitute for such.

Transcript

Sick and tired of your love-hate relationship with wine?
Welcome to the feel it alcohol free podcast. Hi. I'm coach Ruby Williams. And I'm coach Susan Larkin. We are 2 former wine lovers turned alcohol freedom coaches exposing the lies about alcohol and giving you, our listeners, the tools to break free so you can feel lit. And when you're lit, you'll feel healthier, freer, and more in control of your life. So relax, kick back, and get ready to feel lit alcohol free. And don't forget, grab a copy of our wine free weekend guide after the show.


Susan [00:00:17]:
Hey. Hey. Welcome back, and happy New Year.

Ruby [00:00:40]:
Happy New Year.

Susan [00:00:41]:
It’s January 2025. I can't believe it, and we're so excited to be here with you today. Hello, Miss Ruby. How are you today?

Ruby [00:00:50]:
I am doing really well. Yeah. Happy New Year.

Susan [00:00:53]:
Happy New Year. So today, we are going to talk about the “F word". What's swearing? Well, I have been known one time, Lance's friend was like, wow. And I'm like, yeah. Look like a talker mom. Swear like a sailor. We're not talking about swearing today. I'm not talking about that “F word".

Susan [00:01:12]:
I am talking about failure, fail, which is another f word. Mhmm. And we get questions about this all the time in our community, and we even have one today, which is I've already failed dry January. What's wrong with me? And I want to take failure and kind of turn it on its head and ask what if failure is good. Because I recently listened to an Andrew Huberman podcast, which has these shorts, and it was from December 26, 2024, if you wanna go back and listen to it. But he was talking about neuroplasticity. And just to remind you, neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to adapt and change. When we're young children, we have tons of neuroplasticity.

Susan [00:01:59]:
That's how babies learn to walk, and that's how we learn all our motor movements. But he says after 25, we lose a lot of our ability to have neuroplasticity. But that's but there are ways that our brain there's a chemical cocktail for our brain that enhances our ability to have neuroplasticity. And what we want when we're changing a relationship with alcohol is we wanna change those neuro pathways, our thoughts and beliefs about alcohol. And one of the ingredients to that cocktail of chemicals in our brain is, wait for it, failure. What?

Ruby [00:02:37]:
The “F word" here.

Susan [00:02:39]:
F word. Failure. The other “F word", frustration. Frustration around failure coupled with, though, dopamine. And how do you get dopamine? It's by looking at failure as a positive or a learning point. And we talk about that all the time because that's what we talk about on our podcast. Data points are for learning. Yes.

Susan [00:03:03]:
And I found this great quote by Winston Churchill, which is that success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. So what do you think, Ruby?

Ruby [00:03:16]:
Such a good topic because, well, we're here in the beginning of January. Well, we're about 2 weeks into January. And what if you've already failed ‘Dry January’? Like, this I mean, I hear this all the time, or fail whatever kind of challenge you're doing. And, yeah, I really wanna spend this whole episode, like, shifting the definition of success, shifting the definition of failure, like, both of those words. Because, you know, what is success and what is failure? And we talk about or I talk about in my program like this. It's not a straight line. Actually, it's almost never like I have this visual. I mean, because I'm a visual person, it's like you're going along, and then there's a pitfall.

Ruby [00:04:02]:
And then you're going along, and there's a sand trap. And then you're going along and you have to climb down a ladder into a deep, dark hole and climb yourself back up. And there's all these. It's just like loop de loops. It's like back and forth, in and out, shifting. And what data points can do is and I love the word because it's just learning. You're just like, okay. Well, I tried that. That didn't work.

Ruby [00:04:27]:
Like, let's use the example of dry January. So I tried one thing one day, and I was AF. That means alcohol free. And then I tried that again the next day, but I drank. That's interesting. Right? Like, okay. Well, what happened? And that's what we like as coaches when we work with our clients, and we really like, let's look at the data. What were you feeling, thinking? It's almost a good thing.

Ruby [00:04:56]:
It's almost like, oh, you had a data point. Well, that's the arrow pointing directly to where your brain needs to learn. Yeah. Yeah. So It's

Susan [00:05:04]:
something we need to dig out there. There's a feeling. There's a thought process there that we're not aware of, but the data point illuminates it, and then you're able to learn from it. So I think that's so good. There's another quote. I found all these great quotes when you said shift your definition of success, which is success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts, and we always talk about that.

Susan [00:05:29]:
Like, there's no failure. The only failure is to stop trying. So if you just dust yourself off, failure is not falling down. It's staying down. So you get up. You dust yourself off. Get up. You learn from where you tripped.

Susan [00:05:43]:
Right? Instead, you don't wanna go back and trip on that same crack in the sidewalk again. You wanna learn, okay. There's a crack there. I don't wanna step there again. You wanna learn from that.

Ruby [00:05:52]:
Yeah.

Susan [00:05:52]:
And then you just keep going. Right? And yeah. We always talk about it's a marathon, not a sprint, and you don't go back to the starting line. If you're running a marathon and you tripped and fell or you had to stop and pull over and take a breath, you don't go, Okay. Well, I have to go back to the starting point and start all over again. You know, you just keep going.

Ruby [00:06:11]:
And I love this. I use this a lot with clients. It's not chutes and ladders. It's not where you have to, like, go back down that slide to the beginning of the mountain. If you're climbing a mountain or you're hiking up a mountain I used to hike Half Dome every year for many years. It's a long hike. And, yeah, you might sit down and take a rest. What if that's the data point and you're learning? Okay.

Ruby [00:06:35]:
I need to sit down right now, take a breather, catch my breath, tap some water. You know? Same sort of thing on an alcohol free journey because it's a journey to go all the way up the mountain to this, like, freedom where you're at the top, and you look out, and you feel free. And then you see all these other mountains, you guys. But that mountain or Chutes and Ladders is something that really resonates with me, and seeing it's a journey. Yeah.Yeah.

Susan [00:07:03]:
I sometimes liken it to a labyrinth, and you're going around the labyrinth, and you think you're in the same place, but you're not. You're one rung in. You keep peeling through

Ruby [00:07:15]:
the years.

Susan [00:07:15]:
You keep making progress. Even though you're like, am I here again? It's like, no. But you're here again with more knowledge, more learning, and what are you gonna do? How are you gonna apply what you learned now? So it's imperative that we learn from our failures and that we do not beat ourselves up. That was a big mistake. I had a lot of failures in my 1st year of trying to be alcohol free on my own, but I beat myself up all the time when I would drink again. I did learn. I did learn even in that frustrating place. So I really love to say too, like, the people who are really struggling, you know, and just like, how come everybody else, it's easy for them, but I'm struggling? And I just am like, don't worry about it.

Susan [00:07:57]:
Hard one equals hardwired. I really believe that. When you have to work so hard at this process and you're really putting the effort in, and maybe you're not successful every day, but then you learn and you keep going, it is hardwiring. You are changing those neural pathways. That frustration you feel is part of that chemical cocktail that Doctor. Huberman was talking about. That helps your neuroplasticity. So sometimes Ruby and I talk about, like, we are sad when our clients are upset or frustrated, but they have to come to that place.

Susan [00:08:33]:
Sometimes we just have to go let that happen. We can't save you. Right? And that's because that is an important place where you're just, like, you know, you're ready for that change. It doesn't mean you have to have a rock bottom, but there is this sort of rub. You have to be uncomfortable enough to put the effort in to make the changes that you wanna make. Right?

Ruby [00:08:56]:
Yeah. And many different people that at 3 months, or 6 months, or 9 months, they have this random one more data point. And it doesn't mean, oh my gosh, I'm going back to day 1. I actually say no more day ones. It's literally you're on, say, 6 months. It's 6 months with one tiny blip. And guess what? Those are the hugest learning like, they're like, oh my gosh. I needed like, a week later, they're like, I'm so thankful I have that data point because that was where I needed to learn.

Ruby [00:09:30]:
Right. It's truly just a learning point. And then we wanna celebrate successes. So what is the definition of success? Like, it's you comparing yourself to your own self only. How it's again, and we said this many episodes, like progress, not perfection. It's you not comparing to other people or not to comparing to coaches or but it's you and how you're learning and growing, and it's not success only about drinking, the behavior. We often start with just, are you having new thoughts? Are you having that self compassion piece that's maybe new for you? Are you noticing being mindful of your drinking? These are all successes. Like, I wanna celebrate them, and I use pom poms for celebration, so I'm gonna shake on it.

Ruby [00:10:17]:
But, like, success. Maybe high five in the mirror. Like, that's the dopamine, right, that Susan was talking about, that cocktail where celebration and rewarding yourself, like, whatever that is. There's so many tools. There's, like, the jar where you have the beads. Like, I put floral beads into a jar, but that noise, I'm gonna do it down here, that's, like, the reward center of the brain. It goes ‘ding’, dopamine, and then you learn. That's a good thing, I just had an AF day.

Ruby [00:10:49]:
I put the bead in the jar. Yay.

Susan [00:10:53]:
You know? Yeah. Or even if it's in the beginning of the learning, I was able to lengthen for an hour. You can still reward yourself for that because we want to keep rewarding the learning to create those new neural paths. You know? So it's imperative that we learn from our failures. We don't beat ourselves up. We have that self compassion for ourselves, which we talk about, and we take the time to do something when we have a data point. I know a lot of times we just wanna ignore it. We wanna go, oh, well, forget it.

Susan [00:11:21]:
I had a kind of a crummy day or a screw up, and I just wanna move forward. It's, like, really getting curious. A cheat sheet for my clients called learn and move forward. You need to get curious because that's on this habit loop. You can interrupt the cycle at any point. You can interrupt it at the urge level. You can interrupt it at the behavior level, where I always say, like, even if you take a sip, you can go, wait. What am I doing? And pour it down.

Susan [00:11:45]:
That's interrupting it. But you can also interrupt it after the fact even if you've already engaged in the behavior by examining what happened, learning from it. It is interrupting that self sabotage, that's that wheel of self sabotage and slowly making the changes that you're looking for. So, I mean, this is so counterintuitive because this is not the AA way. The AA way is you drink. You do the walk of shame. You come in and have to say, I have 0 days. Mhmm.

Susan [00:12:15]:
And, like, it's the worst, especially if you already have shame. Yeah. If you have a big shame trigger like I did, like, it was just the worst. Yeah. That did not help me learn at all. That made me wanna hide. Yes. And I would do program after program and then, quote, unquote, fail.

Susan [00:12:32]:
I'd fail, and then I would go into hiding. And, like, I'd quit the program.

Ruby [00:12:36]:
More sometimes. Yeah.

Susan [00:12:38]:
Sometimes. And I

Ruby [00:12:39]:
have that same experience with AA too, that's a shame. I mean, AA works on some levels. But if you're still wanting alcohol and, like, white knuckling it, I'm using fists and, like, you know, just not wanting that shame because you have to say I'm on day 1 again, which was you know, that to me, it was so shameful. So when clients come to me and they're like, if they've been through AA, they might come and say those exact words, oh my gosh. I drank. I'm bad, or I failed, or I'm just so full of shame. I don't even wanna tell you. And then I want you all to know who is listening.

Ruby [00:13:11]:
I will say, okay. That happened. Let's learn from it. It's not the end of the world. It's one little data point. Let's learn from it. And I stay super positive because, really, this journey is a journey of the joy is in the journey, to be honest with you. When you're gonna look back at that, let's say, 1st year journey, there's so much joy and discovery. It's just an amazing journey that's all about progress, not perfection, successes, and saying, oh, yeah.

Ruby [00:13:41]:
I drank. Okay. I had a data point, but it's okay. It's really okay.

Susan [00:13:46]:
Yeah. Truly. And the pride too. And the hard like, you can look back into the hard days and be like, wow. I did that. Wow. That's amazing. Even though it was super hard.

Susan [00:13:57]:
You know? Some days are hard. Some days we have to dig in tooth and nail. Right? And that's okay. 

Ruby [00:14:04]:
Every single day is an opportunity. Okay? I'm such a huge fan, today is a new day, that concept. Like, every day, you can literally pull up your big boy or big girl pants, and you just today is a new day. Yeah. So that's not You showing up. You show up. And so, yeah, to recap really quick, we wanna shift the power of success, like how you define success. And I wanna go back to that because defining success, to me, is not only about the behavior.

Ruby [00:14:37]:
In fact, the behavior piece comes last, as Annie explained last week, that there's an order of operations. And if you just focus more on how you wanna feel, on the growth, the happiness, instead of I mean, yeah. Some people love apps and tracking, and that's that's great as long as you're not beating yourself up, and you use it as data. Like, okay. The data shows I had more alcohol free days than last month. Great. That's progress. But we wanna that's where our podcast is Feel Lit Alcohol Free.

Ruby [00:15:08]:
We wanna like, how do you wanna feel in your life? It's all about feelings, and so that's about success. Yeah. And what about you?

Susan [00:15:17]:
Well, how you feel in your body is so important because that's one of the reasons why we drink. Right? We drink to change the way we feel. And when we experience how, at least for me, how I experience this change, what I see in a lot of clients when they do have a data point, maybe, like you mentioned, like, 6 months down the road, then they feel really bad in their body. Not because they're thinking, oh, I'm bad, but, like, just because alcohol doesn't really make you feel good and they see that contrast. Mhmm. That bodily experience of this feels bad actually is part of that changing of your desire. It's teaching your brain, oh, alcohol's the hot stove. It feels bad.

Susan [00:15:57]:
I don't wanna do this because your brain pursues pleasure. So when alcohol becomes not pleasure, right, it becomes that thing that we don't wanna do, that's when something clicks. Yes. So that bodily experience of, like, ew, this didn't feel good, is sometimes really pivotal in people's experiences and people's progress. Pivotal. It was for me. It definitely was for me that, you know, my all 2019, I would go from 30 days and then drink, beat myself up. But then when I just, you know, threw in the towel for a couple months during the beginning of COVID, I saw how different I felt, and I went, I don't wanna feel like this.

Susan [00:16:37]:
And that gave me that discomfort, that frustration with where I was. Those things coming together were what helped me make the progress that I did because I was so frustrated. So I had a lot of discomfort, and I was so ready for a change that then that's where something clicked for me, and I was able to go all in. And we've talked about going all in too.

Ruby [00:17:01]:
I think as kids as you were just talking, I was thinking about, like, as a kid, we were more open, I think many kids are anyway, to do this failure piece. Right? Like, if we think about riding a bike, you know, we have to, like, have the commitment and courage, and we wanna ride a bike. And then we have to be willing to try it and maybe fall and try it and try it and maybe, like, if falling is failing on bike riding. But, eventually, you learn from it. Like, I rode a little bit here, but then I fell. And then, oh, I turned too tight, and I fell. AndLike, you learn. And I do think as adults, we won't even try it unless we know we’re going to succeed on the first attempt.

Ruby [00:17:49]:
But I think about you talking about, like, pickleball. I just, you know, I just had family. You know, the holidays were just here a couple weeks ago, and I was having a conversation about pickleball because I really wanna do this in 2025. It's on my to do list of, like, things to learn. And, yeah, it's like, you know, I don't expect that I'm gonna like, the second first time I go out on a pickleball court, that I'm just gonna be like, amazing. I will need to try and have the courage to try, the courage to if failing is I lose a game, or I don't even know, or fall down, but that I pick myself back up because I wanna learn. I wanna do this. Yeah.

Susan [00:18:29]:
Well, it's so interesting because I just listened to this podcast, and I was just thinking about this because I'm kind of at that point where I can play. I can sometimes play well, and then sometimes I just suck completely. And it's so frustrating. Like, I'd like to get my serve to be a little bit better. And, like, at first, I was like, I'd go to play with people and be like, oh, you don't want me on your team. I kind of stink. You know? And then, of course, with that mindset, I go out there and I do stink. But, also, I started to think, I have to keep showing up, and I have to keep playing because I'm not gonna get better if I don't keep playing.

Susan [00:19:00]:
And my husband's like, just come out and play, and I'm like, I can't. I'm not good enough. You know, I don't wanna be the loser out there. I don't like doing things I'm not good at. But guess what? You can't get good at it unless you just do it. So now I'm just like, okay. Hey. Yeah.

Susan [00:19:14]:
I'm, you know, just gonna keep learning. Just keep playing.

Ruby [00:19:17]:
And, I wanna just use that word for an alcohol free journey. What if it's about playing? What if we took more lightness to this? Because to be honest with you, an alcohol free lifestyle is light and free and feeling lit, feeling good. So what and fun. Like, what if we used more of those? Or you, you could use more of those, like actually, it's about play. I know it is hard at the moment, but it's just so amazing to be an alcoholic. I don't know how else to, like, convince people. Like, give it a try. So what happens is you and I, you know, Susan, we, like, can help people say, like, oh, we did it, so you could do it, like, that kinda hope piece.

Ruby [00:20:02]:
But then you, as a client or someone trying to get alcohol free, need to actually experience it themselves. That's how you create those new neural pathways, if you are getting curious, having failure, like we talked in the beginning, like failing and trying, keep trying, getting curious, mindful, understanding. Everybody goes through this process. Everybody. You're not you're not alone in this, like, AF journey being hard work, but it's the best work you can do.

Susan [00:20:33]:
And when you're really frustrated, that's when you need to press in even more. Just press in a little bit more and then congratulate yourself, celebrate yourself, high 5 yourself in the mirror, get that dopamine. So taking the moment then to journal afterwards what happened, what, you know, what was good, what felt good, what were your thought processes that you wanna change, you know what I mean, doing on the turnaround technique that we talk about. Just your chemicals are ripe at the right time right then if you just press in a little bit when you're really frustrated. So I'm gonna remember that for pickleball too. So yeah. Well, so this is the time in our podcast when we talk about feeling lit, and today, I get to ask Ruby what she's doing to feel lit.

Ruby [00:21:22]:
Well, I wanted to put myself back into that place, like, when I was frustrated and feeling like I was failing at my alcohol free journey. And the thing that really helped me is I have some affirmations, like positive words that I can say out loud or in my head that really help me stay focused and intentional and motivating or even just hashtag human, like human. So mine that I used, I swear to you, every day, maybe 10, multiple 50 times a day on my alcohol free journey for probably the whole 1st year was patience, patience, patience. I would just say that over and over and over and over and over because I wanted it right away. I wanted to be alcohol free. Like, I want it. I want it now, like a little toddler. Like, I wanna be alcohol free right now. I would just say, Ruby.

Ruby [00:22:15]:
I would talk to myself like that. Patience. Patience. Patience. This takes time. And back to, like, forming new neural pathways, rewiring your brain, it takes time, and it takes patience. And the other one I love, I love to do hard things. You know, I love that.

Ruby [00:22:32]:
Like, I've done so many hard things in my life, and I can do this. I can do hard things. I am strong. And it empowers me to say, I can do hard things. I love that. Yeah. What do you have any affirmations now or when on your alcohol free journey?

Susan [00:22:48]:
Or I had a mantra that I used during my alcohol free journey that I put with the Mudra, and I think I've talked about this before, but it always bears repeating, which never questions the decision. And I'm taking my thumb and my pinky together. This is the mudra. And then doing my thumb to my ring finger, then my thumb to my middle finger, then my pointer together. Never question that decision. And when I would get into a place of stress, that's one of the mantras that I used. And then in the last couple years, one when I go to anxiety that helps me is I am beloved, and I sort of just that sort of helps me sit back. Like, when I'm just really frustrated about something or feeling anxious about something, I go, okay.

Susan [00:23:30]:
I am beloved. You are beloved. Especially if I'm in, you know, a frustrating discourse with another person, just reminds me that I don't need to freak out. Like, wait. We're all human. You're beloved. I'm beloved. And then coming back to the conversation or to the situation with love from that place of loving myself and loving the other

Ruby [00:23:52]:
I love

Susan [00:23:53]:
it. Has been helpful. Yeah.

Ruby [00:23:55]:
Yeah. And so why don't you come up with either a mantra or an affirmation? And it's not about toxic positivity. I wanna make that clear that these are not what I'm talking about, like, if you declare, like, I am worthy, when you don't believe you're worthy yet, for example. These are words that'll just, like, when you feel like you're the only one or you feel like you've lost some of that motivation or power, like like, I can do hard things. You know that really? I love that. Yeah. It's empowering. Or patience, patience, patience.

Ruby [00:24:29]:
It's about self compassion and that it takes time. And then yours never question the decision. That's like that's about motivation and intention. And then the beloved one is just really self love and common humanity, right, that everybody is beloved. Yeah. Those are beautiful examples. Yeah. Yeah.

Ruby [00:24:49]:
Alright. This was fun.

Susan [00:24:51]:
Yeah. Yeah. So we just wanna encourage you to keep moving forward, and join us in our Facebook group where you can get more encouragement and that's us.

Ruby [00:25:00]:
There's no failure. No failure. Only

Susan [00:25:02]:
learning. Only
Susan [00:25:05]:
Yes. Failure is the other eighth word. Alright. Well, have a wonderful day, and we'll see you next time.

Ruby [00:25:11]:
See you next time. 

Thanks so much for listening to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast. Do you have a question you'd like us to answer on the show? All you need to do is head over to Apple Podcasts and do 2 simple things. Leave a rating and review telling us what you think of the show. And in that review, ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol free lifestyle. That's it. Then tune in to hear your question answered live. Don't forget to grab your copy of a wine free weekend at www.feellitpodcast.com
And remember, do something today that will help you feel lit. See you next time!
Ruby [00:25:03]:
learning. Yeah.