Embracing Badassery: Overcoming Embarrassment in an Alcohol-Free Lifestyle / EP. 39

Welcome to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast, where your hosts, Susan and Ruby, guide you on a transformative journey to break free from the love-hate relationship with alcohol.

In this episode, we dive deep into a topic many of us can relate to: feeling embarrassed about being alcohol-free. They answer a listener's question: "I am loving being alcohol free - however, I’m struggling with “the label” - probably because I judged others who were alcohol free and considered them “not fun.” Any advice on how to feel proud of it and not embarrassed by it? I know that sounds crazy to be embarrassed that I’m not drinking all the time…"

Have you ever felt awkward or out of place without a drink in hand? You’re not alone! Ruby and Susan share their personal stories and powerful coaching tips to help you overcome these feelings and embrace your alcohol-free lifestyle with pride.

What if you could turn embarrassment into empowerment? How would it feel to walk into any social setting with unshakeable confidence? From challenging limiting beliefs to unleashing your inner badass, we explore practical strategies to uplift and empower you on your alcohol-free journey.

Tune in and discover how to navigate these challenges with grace and strength. Ready to feel lit and live your best alcohol-free life? Let’s get started!

Time stamp:
00:00 Listeners question: Advice on how to feel proud AF and not embarrassed by it?
05:29 Fear of judgment, rationalizing alcohol, questioning beliefs.
09:10 Liminal Thinking basis for transformative coaching method.
11:31 Replace old thoughts by practicing new ones.
13:48 Create alcohol-free lifestyle pitch for social situations.
19:48 Trying to live without TV and alcohol.

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, and ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol-free lifestyle. Your question could be the highlight of a future episode!

Grab our Feel Lit Weekend Guide! https://feellitpodcast.com/Guide

Join our Feel Lit AF Facebook Community for amazing support and connection!

Watch Episode on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@FeelLitAlcoholFreePodcast/videos

Websites:
Susan Larkin Coaching https://www.susanlarkincoaching.com/
Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Susan: @drinklesswithsusan
Follow Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching

It is strongly recommended that you seek professional advice regarding your health before attempting to take a break from alcohol. The creators, hosts, and producers of the The Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast are not healthcare practitioners and therefore do not give medical, or psychological advice nor do they intend for the podcast, any resource or communication on behalf of the podcast or otherwise to be a substitute for such.

Transcript

Sick and tired of your love-hate relationship with wine?
Welcome to the feel it alcohol free podcast. Hi. I'm coach Ruby Williams. And I'm coach Susan Larkin. We are 2 former wine lovers turned alcohol freedom coaches exposing the lies about alcohol and giving you, our listeners, the tools to break free so you can feel lit. And when you're lit, you'll feel healthier, freer, and more in control of your life. So relax, kick back, and get ready to feel lit alcohol free. And don't forget, grab a copy of our wine free weekend guide after the show.

Susan [00:00:38]:
Hey. Welcome. Welcome back. We are so excited to be here with you. I think I say that every time.

Ruby [00:00:45]:
Hello. Hello. 

Susan [00:00:50]:
I'm excited to be here with you, Ruby. We always have such a good time with each other, and recording this podcast is one of my favorite parts of the week. And this week, we had a fabulous, very interesting question, but I think people will really relate to it. So this is one of our listeners who's in our Facebook group community, and she posted this question, and we both went, oh, my gosh. This would be such a great episode. And, I will read the question, and you tell us if you really relate to this because I think both Ruby and I have stories where we relate. So the question is, I am loving being alcohol free. However, I'm struggling with the “label” probably because I judged others who were alcohol free and considered them “not fun”.

Susan [00:01:43]:
Any advice on how to feel proud of it and not embarrassed by it? I know that sounds crazy to be embarrassed that I'm not drinking all the time. Dot dot dot. So that's the question, and I think it's a great one. Ruby. Did you ever feel that way? 

Ruby [00:02:00]:
Oh, absolutely. And, yeah, you said we might have stories about that. So I yes. I'm going to share a story. I mean, you guys probably if you know a little bit about me, I worked in the wine industry for about 20 years, and so I definitely felt that label. I mean, like, I drink wine and I am you know, I'm the wine party girl.

Ruby [00:02:26]:
I bring the wine to all the events, or I might go wine tasting. Like, it was such a big part of my identity. You know? Ruby, dot dot, works in the wine industry. That's who I was. And, yeah, I thought it was super fun and that people that drink wine were fun. But that's who I surrounded myself with, and that's what everybody did. And we were always drinking more and more and more. And it just normalized how much we were drinking.

Ruby [00:02:57]:
So embarrassed. Yeah. I really, really relate to the question. I remember years ago looking at a Facebook post by somebody, and they said they were celebrating 1 year alcohol free. And I remember because I wasn't ready, it was like, oh, they're probably not fun. Oh, you know, why would they do that? I remember judging, being very judgy. And but, yeah, as you get alcohol free and you get more confidence, you just I don't know. We'll talk more about tactics. But, like, yes.

Ruby [00:03:31]:
It was a whole process to detangle my label or identity of, like, drinking wine and being a wine drinker, to to changing that. And there's a whole process, and we'll talk about that in a minute. But what about you, Susan? Do you have, like, a story around this?

Susan [00:03:52]:
Yeah. I think in the beginning, it's so interesting that you said, you know, you weren't ready yet, and so it's like, yeah. We and the people who we think are judging us are defending their drinking. Right? And that's something to always remember. Like, people who don't have a problem with alcohol could care less if you drink or not. It's the people who are trying to defend their own drinking that then maybe will be the people that think you're quote, unquote, not fun. And to also remember, we don't even know what they're thinking, but we'll get to that when we get to the tactic part. But for me, I definitely worried about this or felt a little embarrassed, or I don't know if the word's embarrassed, but maybe othered.

Susan [00:04:36]:
Like, I'm different, and I didn't like being different. That's a real trigger for me. I'm a little bit of a chameleon. I'm an Enneagram 3. I always wanted to fit in, which is so interesting though because in Brene Brown's work, she says the opposite of addiction is connection, and it is quite fitting. So that really spoke to me where I'm like, yeah. When I'm just trying to fit in and not being my authentic self, then am I really connecting with people? But I think what I worried about was drinking more, later on in life. And so in the beginning of my drinking, it was really around vacations and special events, and it was not a problem until I started really drinking to cope as a maladaptive coping mechanism for my you know, for burnout.

Susan [00:05:29]:
And so for me, when I thought about stopping drinking, it was sort of like, oh, am I gonna be seen as this goody 2 shoes who doesn't drink? Or, and also to me, it was like, well, this is how I let my hair down. This is the one bad thing I do. You know what I mean? It was like, why do I have to give this up? You know, like, in the back of my mind, this is when I get to be a little bit bad and a little bit crazy. You know? And, and I know clients sometimes that's one of their things too. It's like, this is the one thing I do for myself. But then you turn that around, and it's like but it's bad, and it's bad for me, and it keeps me in this bad place. So it's like the one bad thing I do for myself, and it's like, yeah, and it is bad. So to really question those thoughts and beliefs that I had around alcohol, does And what is even doing? Is this something that's serving me? Is this something that's really letting me, quote unquote, let my hair down or relax? Or asking myself, is that really true? And as I started to work through that, I was able to kind of let go of all those limiting thoughts and beliefs that were keeping me stuck, but I definitely have.

Susan [00:06:45]:
And even recently, you know, somebody I had an experience where somebody was like, oh, you're not drinking? And it was somebody I didn't really know well, and I had that twinge of, like, you know, what do they think of me? And I had to talk myself down. I'm 4 years alcohol free, so I had to talk myself down and go, okay, and to just remind myself that it's not about me. It's really about them, and to stand and stay empowered in my own personal choice. And remember too, I don't know what they're thinking. Mhmm. You just go, yeah. I'm not drinking tonight, and then they just move on. You know? So Mhmm.

Susan [00:07:20]:
So, anyway,

Ruby [00:07:21]:
so will you but you mentioned Brene Brown. I wanna just really quickly, like, Brene Brown also uses the word badassery, and it is this, like, journey. So it's a journey, really. It's, or a process. Like, it doesn't just happen overnight. You start to gain this, like, power. It becomes empowered. Yeah.

Ruby [00:07:46]:
So I I just wanted to quickly, like, say I love that word, badassery.

Susan [00:07:50]:
I do too. That's what really helped me. That's exactly right, Ruby. I dug into this badassery. I was like, I don't care what you think. Yeah.

Ruby [00:07:58]:
I'm a badass. 

Susan [00:08:00]:
Alcohol free lady. Yeah. Yeah.

Ruby [00:08:03]:
Well, what if all the other people that are drinking are just, like, I don't know, addicted and basically sheep following all that kind of marketing and alcohol industry stuff? It's like, no. We're going against the grain. Yeah. It's a different way of thinking, and it takes it's a process.

Susan [00:08:22]:
Yeah. It's a process. Absolutely. So speaking of the process, Ruby, if this was your client who came to you with this question, how would you coach them through this?

Ruby [00:08:33]:
Kind of looking at the beliefs. So I'll read the question again, and I'm gonna try to, like, find this, like, the belief in there that's maybe not true. So you we always are gonna like, is that really true? So she's thinking that she's not fun, you know, if she's alcohol free. Or she's also thinking maybe that she'll be judged, which we call kind of mind reading. We actually don't know what people are thinking. Nobody you know, we don't know. We're not mind readers. So I might start with, so that I'm not fun if I'm alcohol free.

Ruby [00:09:10]:
And what we're talking about here when we start to, look at it and ask, is it really true? It's called Liminal Thinking, and actually, Dave Gray wrote a book called Liminal Thinking. And this is really the basis for a lot of, you know, both of our coaching, because this is the style kind of that we're what we do is you first, you you identify and understand and recognize the belief. You know? So I, as a coach, I'm, like, listening to the client, you know, your stories, and I'm pulling out what we might wanna work on. An old story. Right? So we kinda might dig in, like, and ask how the belief was formed. Is it really true? What do you really believe about it? How does it make you feel? What do you end up doing when you have this belief in terms of your actions? And then we start to work. And Right. Then the final step is this reframing, in which I call a turnaround, and that's where you just open the door to a new perspective, a new possibility.

Ruby [00:10:13]:
You're just being open to change. So, yeah, so that's kind of the liminal process here, which is a lot of what our coaching's based off of.

Susan [00:10:22]:
Yeah. Yeah. Because we're both certified in affect liminal psychology, which is this process of mining those subconscious thoughts and beliefs. Again, we're assuming that other people will think we're not fun if we're not drinking. Very good point. Yeah. Yeah. We're making that story up.

Susan [00:10:39]:
And so it's like I had this moment when I first told my parents that I was gonna be a coach. I was visiting them, and then I went back to my room, and I was sitting there going, oh, my gosh. They're thinking I'm nuts. They're thinking, oh, crazy Susan. She's off doing something nuts you know, crazy again. I wonder if they, like, if they approve. Right? So I was sitting there, and I'm like, I don't know what they're then I all of a sudden had this thought. I don't know what they're thinking.

Susan [00:11:03]:
I'm just making that up. So if I'm just gonna make something up, why don't I make up that they're really happy for me and they're proud of me and they think it's awesome? I love that. And then I just laughed and went to sleep, and I was perfectly fine. But it was just so funny to go, if I'm just making this up, why don't I make something better?

Ruby [00:11:20]:
Exactly. Yeah. I yes. I coach around that a lot too. Like, you do have more control over your thoughts and feelings than you know than you realize. Yes.

Susan [00:11:31]:
Yeah. So you call it a turnaround. I call it a rewiring of your thoughts and beliefs, or I call it a thought turnaround. Same. But also an important step too is after you have sort of this moment or you work with your coach and you or on your own and you have thought, we need to practice that new thought. That's how we groove these new neural pathways because those old thoughts are pretty ingrained there. And they're just and if it pops up again, no big deal, you know, because it's just there because it's been there for a long time, and then you can remind yourself, oh, no. I have this new thought.

Susan [00:12:05]:
But putting an action step to the new thought and practicing it, that's how we create transformation. You have an awkward moment.

Ruby [00:12:13]:
Putting a celebration piece to it too. After BJ Fogg's book, tiny habits, is that's where this celebration or really, like, as you have a new neural pathway, as you're doing this new action, just celebrate. You know, I have my pom poms. If you're watching our YouTube, you see my pom poms. Oh, you have pink ones. Yeah. Like, high 5 in the mirror or, you know, fist pump or just, like, smile at yourself. Smile that you're doing the new thing, the new action.

Ruby [00:12:44]:
And then that creates the new neural pathway, like, really strengthens, which will then create the new habit. Yeah.

Susan [00:12:51]:
Yes. Right. Because BJ Fox says positive emotion is what helps create new habits. Yes. Not necessarily 90 days or 24 or however many times. Repetition, though, is important. So repeating that new thought, putting a sticky note up on your mirror every morning and reading that new thought. I'm an alcohol free badass.

Susan [00:13:12]:
Maybe that's what you put on there. When I was in a group program, when I was becoming alcohol free, we called ourselves the badasses. So we just sort of make it sometimes people make that their password on their computer. Badass. I mean, so you just are, like, constantly reinforcing that new belief. And another thing that I do with my clients when they kind of get to this point where they are really they have adopted the alcohol free lifestyle. It's all kind of new. I call it kinda the cruising and grooving phase where you're living your life, but you're still having these experiences.

Susan [00:13:48]:
You're just having new experiences, and maybe you come away with an experience like a client would come to me with this experience of, like, you know, is one of the things I work on with my clients is to come up with their alcohol free lifestyle position statement or elevator pitch. Love it. It's like a plan and we've talked about this in the podcast before. Plan what you're gonna say and what you're gonna drink. So this is planning what you're gonna say. And what I would like to put out for us to consider here is that rather than wait and wonder what people are thinking, why don't we teach them, tell them what to think about our decision through our position statement? So mine was, I just feel so much better not drinking. I really noticed that my anxiety and depression is so much better. I took a break and decided to just keep going, and I just feel so much better.

Susan [00:14:47]:
And just or even like so, you know, I know a lot of people are gluten free or dairy free or whatever. I'm alcohol free. And just oh, and then people go, oh, yeah. Like, I show them it goes in this category. It goes in the category of wellness

Ruby [00:15:02]:
Mhmm.

Susan [00:15:03]:
Because it helps me be less depressed and less anxious. It goes in the category. Like, I'm framing it for them, and then people go, oh, okay.

Ruby [00:15:11]:
Yeah. Like, who's gonna say, oh, you gotta drink, and you'll feel you'll but it's You'll feel better. You'll feel better. Yeah. I said I'm on a keto diet in the very beginning for, like, 6 months or so. That was my elevator pitch. I'm on a keto diet. Keto diet does not have alcohol.

Ruby [00:15:30]:
Just kinda period. Yeah. Just like I didn't go into that I had a problem or anything at first.

Susan [00:15:38]:
Yeah. Yeah. Not everybody needs to know that. Nobody needs to know that. You get to decide. It's your choice. You get to decide what you tell people, and you get to and but it's your attitude and your affect around what you tell them that helps frame it for them. If you're super happy about it, then they'll be happy about it, or if they are not happy about it and they're like those drink pushers, you just have to remind yourself that people who don't have a problem with alcohol don't care if you don't drink.

Susan [00:16:10]:
It's the people who are defending their alcohol use that probably in the back of their minds are like, yeah. I probably need to, you know, cut back too. And then Or they they're

Ruby [00:16:18]:
just they want yeah. Or they want a drinking buddy. Right? Yeah, Yeah. They just want their drinking buddy. But back to being embarrassed, like the original question, she also mentioned being embarrassed and, like, there are ways that you can be out, like just gonna say, like, say you met people for drinks at a bar or something. Mhmm. Or you could be alcohol free by going and getting your own drink, going up and ordering it. And it can be a mocktail or an NA beer, and it's gonna look exactly like, people don't actually have to know what is in your cup.

Ruby [00:16:54]:
I say that all the time. It's a beverage in your cup, and you can go on the sly. And no, you don't even have to have this conversation if you're not ready. Yeah. Yeah.

Susan [00:17:05]:
No. That's great. But I also think back to the listener's question. That's one of those deep self beliefs that we also would work through with coaching, Exactly. Where we'd kinda go, okay. Where is that coming from? Where is that feeling of embarrassment coming from? Your inner child is triggered somehow by that and that feeling of embarrassment. What's the thought that's creating the feeling of embarrassment, or what is the past experience? And we would deconstruct that and unravel that with the client using some of our questioning techniques, using I would maybe befriend your fear, go in and befriend that place of embarrassment. What's going on there? We would try to nurture that place.

Susan [00:17:48]:
So we'd really wanna explore that too. Like, what's the origin of this feeling of being embarrassed if you're not like everyone else?

Ruby [00:17:56]:
And you can go from and it may take multiple times of working with a coach, but you can go from embarrassment to badass, like, the like, to literally, like, living in the world as a badass, which I wanna keep bringing that word up because I love it.

Susan [00:18:11]:
I know. I love saying it too. It's like, whoop whoop. Yeah. I love it. So speaking of badass, you, Ruby, what are you doing lately to feel lit with your badass self? Hey.

Ruby [00:18:28]:
Well, right before, we were, like, talking about it, and I was like, okay. Well, what am I actually doing right now? I'm trying to remove the TV. So I will binge watch TV, and it feels kind of like how I was trying to numb with alcohol, actually. It feels similar in the brain for me. And it's like when I just turn on a show and, like, it's a series or something, and I just hit next, next. And it's like it feels that kind of like I'm on autopilot. So I got this idea actually from Dan Sullivan, who's written several books, but one of them or probably a 100 books, but one of them that is specifically I was thinking of is 10 x is better than 2 x. And in it, he says that he stopped watching TV just for, I think, 1 month.

Ruby [00:19:20]:
And then when he got to the end of the month, he realized he was getting so much more done. He had so much more time, and he was so much happier. And so, I actually did a month, a couple of months ago. And then after a month, I did a whole 30 days. I was so proud of myself, giving myself pom poms. But then on day 31, I said, oh, I think I'll introduce it again. Now I'm back to watching TV every day. So I'm gonna starting, in August.

Ruby [00:19:48]:
I I like to start sometimes on, like, August 1st. You know? So I'm back to giving this a try because I I went well, what was so good about that one month? It was that that I wasn't watching TV. It really do you know? I up leveled my life so much just by eliminating the one thing, which also echoes alcohol journey. Right? By eliminating the one thing, I felt lit. I feel lit. So now by eliminating TV, I think I'll feel lit, and I'll just just have so much more like, what really makes my brain relax is meditation and yoga, and I'm going outside in nature on a dog walk. Those are the things rather than sitting down and and watching TV, which a lot of times the shows, you think it's relaxing, but you're really it's not. I mean, when I work I work it through kind of this liminal process, and it's not that I write down TV relaxes me.

Ruby [00:20:46]:
And I ended up with TV that does not relax me. Meditation relaxes me. Yoga relaxes me, and I'm not getting as much done in the evenings. So, anyway, it's eliminating TV. That's how I'm feeling lit. I love that. Yeah. What do you think about that?

Susan [00:21:05]:
Well, I think it's great. I think, you know, we talk about adding things, but I think sometimes we also have to reflect on what are the things that need to be removed. Mhmm. That's part of feeling a lit lifestyle as well. It's like what are the things that aren't serving me. And, again, Brene Brown talks about how you can feel yourself fall into that trance. Right? And so nothing in and of itself is bad. You know, TV isn't bad.

Susan [00:21:33]:
We're not. Everybody needs to eliminate TV. But if you're watching a show and then again, you feel yourself fall into that trance where you're next, next, next, you can do it with social media. You know, your scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, and you could feel yourself fall into that Or Candy Crush game Yes.

Ruby [00:21:48]:
Or something. I don't do that, but I've heard.

Susan [00:21:51]:
Yeah. Yeah. When you feel yourself get into that trance where it's just like, oh, all this time is flying by, and you're just meaninglessly. Like, sometimes I watch a show. It's a meaningful show to me. I like it. I like acting. I'm enjoying it, but I am also really good about limiting it to only 1 episode.

Susan [00:22:08]:
I very rarely do 2 episodes of the show. 

Ruby [00:22:12]:
That's good. You you're a you're a normal TV watcher

Susan [00:22:17]:
Oh. Yeah. I could feel the pull sometimes. So just like, oh, I wanna see what happens. But, to your point, it does not relax me, and sometimes I have to be very careful what I watch at night. Like, if I watch one of these, like, murder mystery things

Ruby [00:22:32]:
Yeah.

Susan [00:22:33]:
That's, like, very high intensity, I'm, like, all jacked up, and then I'm trying to go to bed. So I also and that doesn't serve me. It doesn't serve my sleep. So I'm just so much more. It's really about being personally aware of what's going on in your body and what is serving you. So watching something very intense at night is not necessarily a great thing for me and doesn't serve me because it doesn't serve my sleep. And so just, yeah, just being so aware. All change happens on the other side of awareness.

Ruby [00:23:04]:
Right? Exactly. And I'm not well, I think eliminating it, at least for me, like, it's kinda like when you talk about, like, eliminating alcohol for 30 days. I'm gonna try it again, and I might have a data point. But the first thing I did was eliminate, like, I canceled Netflix. I canceled, you know, whatever, Hulu, a couple you know, the streaming and took those apps off my phone, off my Apple TV. Like, I just so it's kind of that, like, literally removing it, like taking alcohol out of your home. Mhmm. You kind of, like it's just so anyway, wish me luck.

Ruby [00:23:44]:
I think it's gonna be a fun month. I'm gonna get so much more yoga is really what I want. Right? Like, I want so much more yoga in my life, so here's one thing to do.

Susan [00:23:55]:
Yeah. No. That's awesome. I think that's so great. So great. And I think it's a really good point to bring up because we're always talking about what we're doing, but it's also what we're not doing.

Ruby [00:24:04]:
Mhmm. So I

Susan [00:24:05]:
I think that is a great, great point, and I'm glad you brought that up this week. That's so great. So we are super excited to end this episode, but I really, really wanna encourage you. If you're enjoying our podcast, please join our feel it Facebook community if you haven't already. We have so much fun over there, and it's a way to really connect with us and a way for you to ask some questions that may end up being featured on the podcast because that's where we're getting a lot of the questions that we're finding really meaningful and valuable. And I think that, especially if you relate to it, you're gonna relate to the community that is in the Facebook community. And, also, if you wanna see our smiling faces, you can watch this episode on YouTube. So hop over there and check it out.

Susan [00:24:52]:
So we'd love to connect with you, and we will see you next time. Bye bye. 

Thanks so much for listening to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast. Do you have a question you'd like us to answer on the show? All you need to do is head over to Apple Podcasts and do 2 simple things. Leave a rating and review telling us what you think of the show. And in that review, ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol free lifestyle. That's it. Then tune in to hear your question answered live. Don't forget to grab your copy of a wine free weekend at www.feellitpodcast.com
And remember, do something today that will help you feel lit. See you next time!