Self-Sabotage Exposed: Embracing Happiness and Healing / Ep. 027

In this episode, hosts Susan and Ruby delve into the complex topic of self-sabotage, in answering this listener's question, "Does anyone else feel the need to self sabotage when you're feeling so much happiness and freedom? I'm not used to being happy and my mind wants to mess it up. Anyone else or am I alone in this?"  The hosts explore the conditioning that makes it difficult to feel happy without expecting something negative to happen, and the impact of societal conditioning on self-acceptance.

They emphasize the importance of self-compassion and the role of experiences and data in empowering oneself to overcome self-sabotage behaviors. They highlight the significance of coaching calls, accountability, and community support in addressing setbacks and gaining self-compassion and hope.

The conversation focuses on understanding and overcoming self-sabotage, building self-compassion, and the role of community support in the alcohol-free journey. Listeners are invited to reflect on the cycle of self-sabotage, from cues and cravings to behaviors and rewards, and learn to break free from this cycle using self-compassion and objective analysis.

The hosts share their personal experiences with suppression of emotions and coping mechanisms like alcohol, emphasizing the importance of shifting focus from the past to the future and learning to feel and accept positive emotions.

Overall, the episode provides valuable insights and practical strategies for overcoming self-sabotage, building self-compassion, and finding support on the alcohol-free journey.

We want to hear from you! Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, and ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol-free lifestyle. Your question could be the highlight of a future episode!

Grab your copy of our FREE WineFree Weekend Guide to help you on your alcohol free journey. https://feellitpodcast.com/Guide

Find community and connection on the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/feellitalcoholfreepodcast

Watch Episode on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@FeelLitAlcoholFreePodcast/videos

Websites:
Susan Larkin Coaching https://www.susanlarkincoaching.com/
Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Susan: @drinklesswithsusan
Follow Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching

It is strongly recommended that you seek professional advice regarding your health before attempting to take a break from alcohol. The creators, hosts, and producers of the The Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast are not healthcare practitioners and therefore do not give medical, or psychologic...

Transcript

Sick and tired of your love-hate relationship with wine? Welcome to the feel it alcohol free podcast. Hi. I'm coach Ruby Williams. And I'm coach Susan Larkin. We are two former wine lovers turned alcohol freedom coaches exposing the lies about alcohol and giving you, our listeners, the tools to break free so you can feel lit. And when you're lit, you'll feel healthier, freer, and more in control of your life. So relax, kick back, and get ready to feel lit alcohol free. And don't forget, grab a copy of our wine free weekend guide after the show.

Ruby [00:00:36]:
Hello. Hello. Welcome.

Susan [00:00:39]:
Woo hoo. Another week, another podcast, and I love being here with you, Ruby. So much fun. Me too. So much fun. Yeah. So glad we're doing this together. I would not want to be doing this by myself.

Susan [00:00:51]:
It's just so much fun.

Ruby [00:00:52]:
Me too.

Susan [00:00:53]:
Fun. 

Ruby [00:00:55]:
And what do you think of my new haircut? I love it. My sister cut it and then straightened it. And thank you. Yeah.

Susan [00:01:02]:
Oh, I really like it. I like it. Beautiful blonde hair. And I love your shirt. You're wearing the shirt today.

Ruby [00:01:09]:
We're kinda a little bit matchy. 

Susan [00:01:11]:
You've got your royal blue on. I have my royal blue on. So yeah.

Ruby [00:01:16]:
And we didn't even plan it that way. We just, like, showed up and went, oh, we're wearing the same color.

Susan [00:01:20]:
Yeah, great minds and alike. So if you, of course, are listening on one of the podcast platforms, you don't see us, but I just wanted to remind everyone that we are on YouTube as well. So if you wanna see our, at least my dorky face and Ruby's beautiful face. Oh my gosh. When I look at the video, I'm always like, ew, I don't like looking at myself, but, we do look kinda matchy today.

Susan [00:01:48]:
And you have the beautiful pink eye shadow and I have pink lipstick.

Ruby [00:01:52]:
So here we are. Here we are. Yeah.

Susan [00:01:56]:
So I'm excited to talk about what we're talking about today because it comes up so much in client conversations when we're coaching. And so I'm just gonna have a jump into the question today. It's all about self sabotage. Frustrating. Right? When we do that, when we, you know, do things we don't wanna do. Right? So here is the listener's question. Does anyone else feel the need to self sabotage when you're feeling so much happiness and freedom? I'm not used to being happy and my mind wants to mess it up. Anyone else or am I alone in this?

Ruby [00:02:38]:
Wow. I relate to this question. Exactly. And you are not alone. To the listener, you are not alone in this. I think it boils down to feelings, like feeling happy. And so, let's define. I'm going to start with a definition. You know, I looked this up so that I could just say it very properly, so you all know what we're talking about, because it's kind of slang or lingo.

Ruby [00:03:05]:
Right? Self sabotage. We use it a lot. I hear it all the time. Yeah. But it's it's so here's the definition. So, it's when you get in your own way doing things that stop you from reaching your goals, like putting things off or being too hard on yourself. And it happens because of old habits in our minds that used to help us, but don't anymore. So, obviously, alcohol is the big 1 here that we're talking about.

Ruby [00:03:34]:
But, yeah. So, I used to be scared of those new authentic happy feelings. III thought I felt happy when I was drinking, but honestly, that was fake. It was not real. And when I started to feel we talk about “pink cloud” or, like, just those happy feelings that come up. I'm pointing to my chest if you're watching YouTube, and it's like all of a sudden, I'm like, that's powerful. It felt very powerful,

Susan [00:04:03]:
Mhmm.

Ruby [00:04:03]:
And it was a little scary. And, I think that sometimes we self sabotage consciously, but I also think we can self sabotage unconsciously. And here's an example, where you're having a happy occasion, and you've decided you're not gonna drink, but all of a sudden, there's a drink in your hand, and you don't even remember doing any of it. Like, I think this can happen kind of unconsciously or on the subconscious level, but I also think it can happen consciously where you say it. Right? Or I always fail, or there's something going on that cognitive dissonance, and it can happen where you are so scared of, like, feeling happy that you're just gonna drink. I know your story is a little different. We were kinda briefly talking about it. What is your story around this, Susan?

Susan [00:05:00]:
Well, I relate to what you're saying is about being uncomfortable feeling happy because we're not used to feeling that way, right?

Ruby [00:05:08]:
Right. Right.

Susan [00:05:09]:
And when we used to feel that way, happy, our subconscious belief was that alcohol would just make that even better. So that could be what the cue is. Oh, I feel good. And the cue is the drinking, you know, your subconscious cue is, oh, and drinking will make it better. And that's maybe where you would find yourself, you know, unbeknown you know, somehow with a drink in your hand, you know, like, and, and for me, I also I don't know. I wouldn't say I was scared of feeling happy, but I felt uncomfortable feeling not happy. I would say I started feeling good about myself, and that felt uncomfortable because I wasn't used to feeling good about myself. My comfort zone was feeling bad about myself, and the way I got things done in life was to beat myself up, and then I would produce.

Susan [00:06:04]:
Right? So that was sort of my way I used to do things. So if I felt good about myself, did that mean that I wasn't going to achieve? That was my dysfunctional pattern. And so when we start to feel good, that's outside of that pattern. And so that's so our subconscious can start to want us to stay safe, want us to feel the way we used to feel because this is uncomfortable. And there's also sometimes these old messages for me. I remember clearly having this thought like, I was feeling good about myself, and all of a sudden I had this thought like, am I conceited? Which is such a high school word. Do you remember using that word in high school? Yeah.

Ruby [00:06:44]:
You're conceited. Yeah. Conceded.

Susan [00:06:46]:
Yeah. And it was like the weirdest thing that that word came to me, but then because of that word, I remembered like that wasn't okay. Like if you were conceited, everybody hated you. So then in my subconscious, it's like, oh, if you feel good about yourself, everybody's gonna hate you, which makes no sense, but our subconscious sometimes doesn't make any sense. That's just what we were told. Yeah. Yeah. Or as a kid, from my parents, what is the other message from my parents was don't toot your own horn, Susan.

Susan [00:07:17]:
So, you know, when you're, like, 5 years old and you're, like, I'm the best dancer in the whole world. You know? I remember my daughter saying that to me. I remember saying, I said, Lauren, do you want to take dance lessons? She goes, I already know how to dance. And I'm like, okay. You know how kids are like that cause they're just that's how we're born. Like, we're born feeling good about ourselves. So guess what? The reasons why we don't feel good about ourselves as we grow up are all these messages we get. Mhmm.

Susan [00:07:42]:
And so the message I got was don't toot your own horn. Mhmm. So you start to feel good about yourself, and then it's like, oh, no, that's not good.

Ruby [00:07:51]:
So It's it's unsafe or different or

Susan [00:07:54]:
Yeah.

Ruby [00:07:55]:
It's a form of discomfort. Yeah. And that limiting belief, whatever it is, it's strong. It's a strong message underneath that can come from your subconscious or conscious thought. Like, some people literally have a thought, like, I am not gonna drink, and then it's literally that battle. Right? That battle back and forth. And you might just say, well, you know, I'm I'm I haven't figured out how to get alcohol free yet, so I'm just going to “F-it”.

Susan [00:08:28]:
Yeah. 

Ruby [00:08:29]:
That “F-it” button again.

Susan [00:08:30]:
Click the f it button. Somebody posted in 1 of the groups I'm in, which was really an interesting way to shift, is that the eff it button is really the eff me button.

Ruby [00:08:41]:
Self sabotage.

Susan [00:08:42]:
That's true because it is self sabotage. Right? Even though yes. And our subconscious so those old beliefs are like a cue and they're a drinking cue, you know, so it's like it starts up again. It's similar to what we talked about in our episode on green light thoughts or permission giving thoughts. It starts up that thing of, like, you know, you'd feel better. If you're feeling good now, you'll feel even better if you have a glass of wine that will enhance this. Or if you're feeling, you know, oh, yeah. You shouldn't feel good about yourself.

Susan [00:09:15]:
So it would just it's it's so insidious, and sometimes it doesn't even come out as, like, complete sentences. It's just all of a sudden you're drawn to a behavior that is going to give you the same results that you're used to, which is feeling bad about yourself.

Ruby [00:09:31]:
Right.

Susan [00:09:31]:
And that's because that's just your comfort zone, and it is a process of getting more and more comfortable or increasing your window of tolerance, your WAT, to increase your window of tolerance even for good feelings, which is so funny to think about.

Ruby [00:09:48]:
But Right. We all talk about, like, people are just I'm so confident, that I have all these tools for when I'm stressed or when I have overwhelmed or when I'm angry or when I'm, you know, sad. But it's that self sabotage can totally happen when you're happy. Yes. And people get kinda shocked about it, like this woman's question. You know, it's just like, am I alone in this? Does this happen? And you are not alone in this. I wanna keep saying that because that's really important. And I think the antidote to self sabotage is self compassion.

Ruby [00:10:26]:
So, this self sabotage will keep you in that day 1 cycle. You might have heard it like, I'm on another day 1, I'm on another day 1. But if we can come with so much self compassion to this, with mindfulness, knowing you're not alone, You know, other people are having this too, and just really getting so it's kindness to yourself. 

Ruby [00:10:52]:
How can you be so kind? You know, like you would talk to a little child or the little Ruby or the little Susan, you know? Toot your own horn. Go ahead and toot your own horn, you know? Like, some of these beliefs come from your childhood, and this is what we work with with clients. We really get to the root, the belief, and we start to pick it apart, detangle it. And it's so it's such a great experience to work with clients around their limiting beliefs.

Susan [00:11:20]:
And Absolutely. It's like the voice in your head. Is that voice even yours? Don't be conceited. Don't teach your own horn. That's not my voice. That's a voice that, you know, had influence in me and, and unpacking that. So I think we call it, like, following that back to the cave and figuring out where did that come from, you know, the cave of our subconscious. And so that could be the cue.

Susan [00:11:45]:
Right? And then there's the behavior, which would be drinking, and that creates a reward. The dopamine hits how you feel, even going back to your comfort zone of feeling bad. Even though that seems weird, you wake up the next day and you feel bad about yourself, but it's what you're used to. And then feeling bad about yourself creates another need to drink again, and that's part of the cycle that keeps you on this what we call a wheel of self sabotage. So it's the cue, the craving or the behavior, the reward that then feeds back even though the reward could be a negative reward, it's still a reward of comfort, right, of feeling bad about yourself and then going back to the same behavior. Yeah. I love what you said about self self compassion because we can have self compassion for ourselves at any point across this wheel, even if we engage in the behavior. Because if we have self compassion for ourselves, even after we get the reward and engage in the behavior, we can unpack it. That's what we call why we like to call them data points.

Susan [00:12:54]:
If we take the time to come from an objective perspective with self compassion to go, what the heck happened here? And we can dissect it a little bit, get the data, and I love this exercise. I call it I have a worksheet called learn and move forward, and then we say, well, what would I do differently? When we do that exercise, we're teaching our brain a bit, you know, a different way. And it also is a way of exiting the wheel of self sabotage, but you can also exit at the cue just realizing, oh, yeah, this is that thought because Yep.

Ruby [00:13:29]:
Thoughts are just a thought.

Susan [00:13:30]:
Thoughts are thought, not beating yourself up for even having the thought, or you can ride the craving during the behavior, you just don't engage in the behavior, and you do some sort of urge surfing or distraction. You know, so there's ways to exit the wheel at all of the different levels.

Ruby [00:13:47]:
Yeah. I think I I love all of what you're saying, and I was gonna learn from you today because I use different words for the cue, behavior, reward, but I love how you worded that. And I think when I go back because I'm gonna go back to the question and, like, the definition of self sabotage, and it's about you're doing the things that stop you from reaching your goals. So when I look at that and think about that, I think the elephant in the room here is that we're looking at our past and not our future. So if we look at our past and focus on the past, and we haven't reached the goals in the past, and then maybe we're ruminating on that and thinking about that, But if we can tap into our future self and notice every small gain and have self compassion for every time we have a data point, I think that's the key here to to really moving through this self sabotage piece is the self compassion. It totally is, and then, like, tapping into your future self. Because if you can visualize and see yourself, let's just use, you know, alcohol, alcohol free, or getting a lot of momentum, and really feeling good, and being confident in your feeling good, then, yeah, you won't be. For me, I I learned how to feel those feelings.

Ruby [00:15:13]:
It wasn't it was it it it was like moving into taking up more space and feeling okay with being who I truly authentically am and discovering who that is, and it was a process. You know? Yes.

Susan [00:15:31]:
Yeah. I love that. I love that so much. Same. Same. Yeah. It's getting used to feeling good about yourself, which sounds weird, but it's true. Right? And it happens to

Ruby [00:15:42]:
so many of our clients and so many people we meet. You are not alone. This is this feeling of happiness and then wondering, wait, I'm not supposed to feel this happy, am I? Yeah.

Susan [00:15:53]:
Well, Brene Brown calls it foreboding joy.

Susan [00:15:58]:
It’s ike you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. So it's like, oh, I feel happy now, but I'm pretty sure I won't feel you know, there's gotta be some shoe that's gonna drop, you know, and that, that idea that we're not allowed to feel happy, that we're gonna somehow get, in my mind, I have this somehow I'm gonna get screwed. I don't know why. Yeah. I just discovered that. That's like, oh, don't get too big for your britches. You know, you're gonna get knocked down a peg. Don't feel too good about yourself, don't be conceited, you know, it's like, where does that come from, you know, that conditioning, you know.

Susan [00:16:31]:
It's just so interesting.

Ruby [00:16:32]:
I'm picturing a 1980’s girl, dressed in, like, bright colors with her hair ponytail on the side, and she's chewing gum, and she's saying, don't be conceited.

SSusan [00:16:47]:
It’s a little 80’s.

Ruby [00:16:48]:
That voice in your head. You know? I love that you can name it. I love to come up with these, like, characters and kinda make it funny and your voice in your head, and then if you can figure out maybe there's multiple voices. You might have your mom's voice. Right? Don't toot your own horn and then Yeah. Or, you know, mini girl voices.

Susan [00:17:06]:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a big deal in high school, and it's actually a big deal as a human because we all wanna be part of the tribe. So if there's something that we think is gonna keep us from being accepted by the tribe, like being conceded or feeling too good about yourself, then our brain is gonna wanna move us away from that because we, as people, want to connect. And if we feel like that's gonna keep us from connecting, which is just fascinating. Like, this is the stuff that helped me so much because, you know, like, the wheel of self sabotage, seeing each of the points, like, in my mind and going, am I at the queue? Am I wrong? Am I at the reward? Just helped me be more analytical about it instead of getting caught up in the emotion of it or caught up in the whirlwind of it. It helped me to take a step back and go and realize I could step off.

Susan [00:17:59]:
It just gave me more agency, I guess, understanding. And that's what understanding the science has always done through this through my alcohol free journey is understanding, oh, that's what my brain's doing.

Ruby [00:18:09]:
Okay. Right.

Susan [00:18:11]:
Yeah. So once you're aware of something, you can change it. You can't change something if you're not aware of it. So Exactly. Yeah.

Ruby [00:18:19]:
And speaking of, you know, clients, we were just talking about I. I think if I could share a client story or what I see a lot is that thought or that self sabotage thought of I'll always fail. I think that is so common, and it goes back to maybe you haven't figured it out yet. Right? And you look back at your past failures, meaning you went back to drinking. But when you really work on all of your underlying beliefs at a substance, society, or social level, as well as your self level. We spend most of our time on the self level. But then pairing that with your future self, and and and then we work on, like, hope versus doubt, and a thought is just a thought, and, like, we really can get to a life that you don't want to escape from. You really can get there. I wanna give you so much hope that you can get there and that you and and you never are a failure unless you stop trying.

Ruby [00:19:29]:
So you just keep trying. You keep you know how many times I say that to my clients, to the different groups I work with. You cannot fail if you keep trying. It's just not possible. So Absolutely.

Susan [00:19:42]:
Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree with that. That's so great. And you're each time you start again, or I don't even say start again, like, keep moving forward, you're moving forward from a place of more experience if you do the work.

Ruby [00:19:55]:
If you do the work to get the data.

Susan [00:19:56]:
It doesn't feel good to get the data. Right? We make ourselves blunt, you know, have an oopsie or, you know, and we don't want to look at it usually because we think we're going to come from a place of beating ourselves up. So that's a practice that self compassion is a practice of being able to kind of look at it subjectively and then ask yourself, what would I have done differently? What tool or even asking yourself, okay, I need a tool then for this. I may, like you said in the beginning, I may have tools for when I'm sad, angry, da da da. Oh, I need a tool for when I'm happy. What? You know? But then you have that data and you can go, okay. And you're working with a coach and you could be like, okay. How do I work with this? And then we give you a tool and you practice it, and then it's like, okay.

Susan [00:20:43]:
You have a plan for the next time you feel this way. You don't have to do this self sabotaging behavior again, and you're starting from that place of empowerment and experience. 

Ruby [00:20:56]:
So one coaching call can make such a difference, you guys. I have some clients where the, you know, they had a data point and they drink, and and then they wake up and they beat themselves up, and there's there's they also from the alcohol, you just feel that that depression and that sadness, and then you and I love it when I could just have a call with someone right after that because we we dig in and then, you know, we can really turn it around because you are just gaining more data. And why did you what happened? What did you drink? You know, we'd really dig in there, and it's just a part of the process. Data points are a part of the process. And, you know, and you can say something like, I just haven't gotten there yet. You know, I'm learning from this data point. Everybody messes up sometimes. These are some of the things that you can turn it around.

Ruby [00:21:51]:
You can have alternate thoughts.

Susan [00:21:53]:
Yeah. And you know what? That's when clients don't wanna come to their coaching call or they don't wanna have the accountability with you. And that's when you need to come the most. Exactly. Don't hide from us. We are here from you. I would just, oh my gosh. Yes.

Susan [00:22:07]:
Yes. Those are the calls that are gonna take you the furthest. Yeah. Mhmm. Mhmm.

Ruby [00:22:12]:
Instead of waiting. Yeah. So, so good, so good, so good. Yeah. And if you're not

Susan [00:22:20]:
in a coaching relationship and you have some sort of tribe, you're in our Facebook group or you're in a group coaching program or if you're on your own, you have someone that you can go talk to about this. Reach out. Go to a meeting. You know, like, if you're on an online you know, if you have little group meetings or something. I mean, this is a very hard thing to do on your own, so I encourage you to get into some sort of community where you can put it out there what happened because you get so much self you get so much compassion from the other participants that it helps you find your own self compassion because you Exactly. And also when you give compassion to others, it helps teach you how you should be talking to yourself. So Yes. The tribe is just so important.

Susan [00:23:06]:
So, you know, we're always encouraging if you're not in a coaching relationship, at least join our Facebook group because we have some people in there that are day 6, day 7. I love it. Yeah. I know.

Ruby [00:23:19]:
Moving along. It's so fun. Yeah.

Susan [00:23:21]:
I'm using it a lot

Ruby [00:23:22]:
to get out to get

Susan [00:23:22]:
information and yeah, for their journey. So I love it. And we're there supporting that. We are there cheering you on. So Yeah. And the other participants too, the other people in our group. So really excited to see you there, especially if you don't have a tribe of your own.

Ruby [00:23:40]:
Mhmm. And, you can have a tribe of two, meaning you and your coach. So, I call it, you know and and sometimes that is the most important if you cannot share if there's something that you just really only wanna share confidentially with 1 person, that's also a really good time to get a coach, a private coach where it's confidential. And we, I mean, I've heard it all, and I relate, and so it's a really safe place to share. And some things you maybe never shared with anybody on the planet, and I remember doing that. And it's powerful to move through some of the shame and blame with another human being because we're all humans. Yeah. And so I wanted to say that, and I forgot that I wanted to mention this really quick, Susan, that when you wake up in the morning and you start to beat yourself up for maybe drinking, What you could do is name that voice.

Ruby [00:24:37]:
Like, you could be laying there in bed, and the first thought could just be really like, oh, you did it again. I guess, this is what it would sound like for me, and just you're so stupid, or you're why did you self sabotage again, or whatever you're gonna talk about. But you could then, like, look at it and say, oh, I get it. It happened. It's okay. It happens to anybody, everyone, people mess up, and just so much compassion. Well, what can I learn from it? How can I be kind to myself right now? I'm gonna drink a lot of water, eat really good today, and I'm gonna get right back on that horse. What, you know, pull up your big girl pants.

Ruby [00:25:18]:
So, like, you just keep going at it. You just never fail. You keep moving forward.

Susan [00:25:23]:
Yeah. Yes. Yes. I love that. Oh my gosh. What I would say is, oh my gosh, you're such a jerk. You're such a loser. You're never gonna get this.

Susan [00:25:32]:
What's wrong with me? That was always the big 1. And that's a question that's like, that's the worst question you can be asking yourself. And if you if these self compassion phrases don't even come easily for you, like they didn't for me, You can have them written down, like, on sticky notes, like, on the inside of a cabinet in your bathroom or on your bathroom mirror, just to remind yourself, you know, that hashtag because human, you know, there's nothing wrong with you. This is a process, progress, not perfection, even though I hated that because I'm such a perfectionist. It was like, what's that mean? But you know, that it's true. And honestly, self compassion is the quickest way to exit any of these places on the self sabotage wheel. So I love that you shared that. Yeah.

Susan [00:26:20]:
So good. So speaking of good, the best part of this podcast, in my opinion, is when I ask Ruby what you're doing today or in your life right now to feel lit.

Ruby [00:26:35]:
Okay. So feeling lit is feeling good, feeling ignited, feeling on fire. And since we've been talking a lot about happiness and, you know, the question was really about, you know, feeling happiness and then self sabotaging. So I thought I'd talk about how you can just start to notice when you're feeling happy in your everyday life, and not having any fear or judgment or anything, but just little glimpses of it. And what I do is I will just sit quietly and listen, like listen or be in nature. You can also for me, this what works for me…I started to notice when I feel the good feelings, whatever I think are good feelings, like the happiness, the joy, the love, the, I put my hand on my chest. And if you're watching YouTube, you can see it. But I start to just notice it almost like I'm happy right now, and say those words and in my head and feel it right now.

Ruby [00:27:50]:
I want us to, for all of us, I mean, I think the meaning of life there, I'm now getting real as existential on you. The meaning of life is maybe just “feel” the feelings. What if what if that's just what we're here to do? And it's, you know, some of the feelings are that we've labeled them as negative, and some of them we've labeled them as positive. But if we just notice when we feel happy and, you know, the more I think that you notice the feelings that you wanna feel more of, the more you will feel and notice those feelings that you want to feel more of. So what you could do is just sit down and do a really simple journaling exercise. It's like asking to answer this question. What feelings do I wanna feel more of? And, you know, for me, it was peace and joy and different feelings, and then I started to notice. So it's about awareness.

Ruby [00:28:52]:
Right? Awareness and noticing it, and then almost like creating a picture or, like, just noticing it. Now you may need to set an alarm. This also goes with, like, the staying above 50% tactic that we talk about. But, like, if you set an alarm and like, how are you feeling? And then notice when you're feeling good, like, oh, okay. I'm feeling good. And then go, okay. And maybe do something on your body, and like just, okay. It's happening.

Ruby [00:29:24]:
I do feel it. And even if it's just little tiny slivers throughout your day, if you notice it and focus on it, those will grow.

Ruby [00:29:35]:
Does that make sense? Do you believe that, Susan? This is my belief. I don't know. Yeah. 

Susan [00:29:40]:
What’s coming to me with that is it's the same thing as notice, name, allow that we talk about negative emotions that we wanna escape. Right? Mhmm. But we're using it for positive emotions. And as we notice, name, and allow and kind of recognize that we're feeling it, we are increasing our tolerance for feeling that way. Exactly. Just like we are for the negative ones, but for the happy ones because again, going back to what we talked about at the beginning, we're not used to feeling happiness or joy or peace, and we need to get so this is and I think I love the idea of, like, adding tactile, adding touching your heart, like, I'm I'm feeling content or I feel peace, and I'm noticing it. I'm naming it.

Ruby [00:30:24]:
Mhmm. 

Susan [00:30:25]:
And I’m like, anchoring it in exactly. And also you're so you're saying to your subconscious brain, I can feel this way, and I'm safe. And I'm safe. 

Ruby [00:30:36]:
And if you don't feel safe, like, if that feeling is too big, scary, whatever word you wanna use, you can then go to something that I love is like I'm safe, I'm happy, I'm okay. I'm safe, I'm happy, I'm okay. And then start to feel this little glimmer of love. You know, love might be a really powerful 1 that you're not used to. You know, we have to recalibrate our emotions. Mhmm. And I know we've talked about it on several of our podcasts, but we'll talk about it again, because this is a really, really big that's why we call it feel lit, alcohol free. Like, this is a big part of the alcohol free journey, and that's why we named our podcast this.

Ruby [00:31:21]:
It's about Yeah. Feeling lit. And feeling it.

Susan [00:31:25]:
Feeling it. And feeling it. Yeah. Yeah. That's so good. That's so good. Yeah. That's the process.

Susan [00:31:34]:
And we're not used to doing that because we used to drink our feelings away. We used to drink, at least for me, happy feelings, sad feelings, mad feelings, and you know, all the feelings. And so we're just not used to feeling them. And so that's part of the process. And actually, you wouldn't think you have to get used to feeling happy, but you do. You do. Yeah.

Ruby [00:31:53]:
Yeah. And you're not alone. This is what almost everybody has to go through. It's like, wait a minute. Why didn't we learn to feel feelings? Well, we grew up a lot. When I meet people from all over the world, all of us seem to have had parents that were like, don't feel our feelings. Yeah. It's just not obviously, there are exceptions, but, I mean, that seems to be like, oh, just numb your feelings. Don't feel your feelings.

Ruby [00:32:19]:
You know? Avoid your feelings.

Susan [00:32:21]:
We don't have strong feelings in our family. Yeah. We are, yeah, in my family. It was sort of like the stiff upper lip, you know, we just charge right through. We don't complain. No crying.

Ruby [00:32:31]:
No crying. Be happy. Put a smile on your face. Turn that frown into a smile. You know, those kinds of words.

Susan [00:32:36]:
Yeah. So not too much. That's okay. But don't toot your own horn. Don't feel too happy because then you'll be conceited, you know, or don't feel too good about yourself. Like crazy. Right? And I oh my gosh. Yeah.

Susan [00:32:48]:
It's a wonder we all made it as far as we have.

Ruby [00:32:51]:
Oh, we had our coping tool of wine or alcohol for a lot of us. So at least people listening here probably. So, okay.

Susan [00:32:58]:
Exactly. So, well, we're at the end of our time together, and I look forward to being with you all again soon. But if you wanna connect with us more, again, join our Facebook community. Right now, we're giving away mugs. Oh, hold out your can you hold up your mug, Ruby?

Ruby [00:33:16]:
So if you're on YouTube, we have this lovely mug with our faces. And I'm wearing my t-shirt. We'll probably be giving away t-shirts too. Yeah. Yeah. Occasionally, we wanna get more. Yeah. We wanna have some giveaways.

Susan [00:33:30]:
But for people who are really engaging, we're just sort of randomly going, hey, you've, you know, you've posted a lot lately. We wanna send you a mug. So join us, post, share. We'd love to see you there and connect with you even more. But for now, we will say adios. Yeah.

Ruby [00:33:49]:
Goodbye. Have a wonderful weekend and week. I'll see you soon. 

Susan [00:33:54]:
Bye. Bye.

Thanks so much for listening to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast. Do you have a question you'd like us to answer on the show? All you need to do is head over to Apple Podcasts and do 2 simple things. Leave a rating and review telling us what you think of the show. And in that review, ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol free lifestyle. That's it. Then tune in to hear your question answered live. Don't forget to grab your copy of a wine free weekend at www.feellitpod casts.com. And remember, do something today that will help you feel lit. See you next time.