Too Much Grace? Unpacking the Power of Self-Compassion on the Alcohol-Free Journey / Ep. 032

Welcome to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast!  Ever wondered if you can give yourself too much grace?  A listener in the Feel Lit Podcast Facebook asked this question. In this episode, Susan and Ruby dive deep into the intriguing world of self-compassion and its powerful role in an alcohol-free lifestyle.

What happens when grace becomes a double-edged sword? How can self-compassion be your greatest ally in breaking free from the love-hate relationship with wine? Susan and Ruby share their personal journeys, revealing the highs and lows, the triumphs and setbacks.

Get ready to explore the transformative RAIN self-compassion practice and discover practical tools to navigate your path to alcohol freedom. What insights will you gain from their stories? How can you apply these lessons to your own journey?

Join us for a thought-provoking and empowering conversation that challenges misconceptions and offers fresh perspectives. Are you ready to feel lit and live alcohol-free? Tune in and let’s uncover the power of grace together! 

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, and ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol-free lifestyle. Your question could be the highlight of a future episode!

Grab our Feel Lit Weekend Guide! https://feellitpodcast.com/Guide

Join our Feel Lit AF Facebook Community for amazing support and connection!

Watch Episode on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@FeelLitAlcoholFreePodcast/videos

Websites:
Susan Larkin Coaching https://www.susanlarkincoaching.com/
Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Susan: @drinklesswithsusan
Follow Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching

It is strongly recommended that you seek professional advice regarding your health before attempting to take a break from alcohol. The creators, hosts, and producers of the The Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast are not healthcare practitioners and therefore do not give medical, or psychological advice nor do they intend for the podcast, any resource or communication on behalf of the podcast or otherwise to be a substitute for such.

Transcript

Sick and tired of your love-hate relationship with wine?
Welcome to the feel it alcohol free podcast. Hi. I'm coach Ruby Williams. And I'm coach Susan Larkin. We are 2 former wine lovers turned alcohol freedom coaches exposing the lies about alcohol and giving you, our listeners, the tools to break free so you can feel lit. And when you're lit, you'll feel healthier, freer, and more in control of your life. So relax, kick back, and get ready to feel lit alcohol free. And don't forget, grab a copy of our wine free weekend guide after the show.


Ruby [00:00:45]:
Welcome! We have such a great question from one of our listeners who's in our Facebook community. The question is, “I have what may seem like an odd question. But is there such a thing as giving oneself too much grace?” Such a good question. And there's no odd questions. I love all questions. I want to toss it over to you, Susan, to just get us started.

Susan [00:01:12]:
Well, I think it's a great question and not odd at all because most of us are not familiar, maybe even with what grace is, but giving ourselves grace and self compassion. I mean, I know that I was like a black belt in beating myself up, and I thought that being hard on myself was the only way for me to change. And that's sort of like I don't know if that's something we learn as kids. Like, how I don't know where that comes from, but just in our minds, you know, it's like, oh, just beating me. Susan, what's wrong with you? You know, like, beating myself up was the only way that I could, you know, overcome something or really affect change. And, you know, but if you look at it objectively, if beating ourselves up worked, I would have been successful at not drinking a lot sooner, but it doesn't work. It backfires because beating ourselves up makes us feel bad about ourselves. And then when we feel bad about ourselves, ultimately, our most innermost self wants us to love ourselves.

Susan [00:02:15]:
And so, like, our survival brain wants relief from that. Right? It doesn’t want to feel bad. It wants relief. And then where do we turn when we want relief? So Yeah.

Ruby [00:02:32]:
Well, I I love this question as well. I am a huge self compassion person. I've read so many books and taken workshops and courses, and I think the key is self compassion to so much. So I'm gonna just look it up just now, the definition of self compassion and grace. So grace is really self compassion. It involves extending gentleness, patience, and compassion towards yourself. It's about recognizing your imperfections and struggles without harsh judgment. And grace allows you to accept your humanity and move forward with a sense of peace.

Ruby [00:03:10]:
So when you look at self compassion, there are 3 components. There's self kindness. There's the common humanity, and then the mindfulness. You have to be aware. You can't make a change unless you're aware of it. So that's where you were talking about just constantly beating yourself up. You have to, like, start to be aware of that.

Susan [00:03:28]:
Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Accepting your humanity and moving forward with a sense of peace. Doesn't that sound like what we all want? Oh my gosh. That just makes me feel like, sigh. Like, oh my gosh. Yeah.

Susan [00:03:46]:
But I know when I first started my journey and people were telling me, you have to have self compassion, I was just sorta like like, I'm but I'm self compassion deficient. I have no idea what you're even talking about. I don't

Ruby [00:04:00]:
Right.

Susan [00:04:00]:
Have any idea how to do that? So it was like you. I need help here with that. 

Ruby [00:04:07]:
And I feel like a lot of people do. You know? Yeah. And there's a lot of fears or misconceptions around grace. You know? Is there too much grace? What if I have too much grace? That's like a wimpy person maybe. Yeah. Like, we talk about data points. You know? And, well, what if we just have too many data points? Isn't that too much grace? Too much self compassion? But that is actually, in fact, inner strength. It's like the opposite.

Ruby [00:04:38]:
As I coach people and we learn about it's like so much your thoughts are literally, like, not true, and the opposite is true. So what if instead of graces for wimps, like, you're super strong if you can give yourself self-compassion turnaround. 

Susan [00:04:56]:
That's amazing.

Ruby [00:04:58]:
Yeah.

Susan [00:04:59]:
I know. Without beating ourselves up or whatever, that is the way that I used to get things done, then I'm afraid of how am I going to do anything if I'm just all loosey goosey and, like, self compassion. Yeah. That's what I used to think. Right? Yeah.

Ruby [00:05:16]:
Yeah. Or, you know, is it grace or self compassion just saying, like, poor me? But if you can also switch the perspective to everyone struggles. Like, the common humanity piece really resonates for me. Everyone struggles. Everyone's got something that they're struggling with,

Ruby [00:05:37]:
And that can help you to, like, forgive others as well. You know?

Susan [00:05:40]:
Oh, I love that. Yeah. Remembering that we are not the only ones. I was just at a function, and I sometimes get anxious in social settings. And I had to remember that many people get anxious in social settings. So I'm not the only one walking around going, I don't know what to say to people. I'm not good at small talk. I'm not really you know, my husband's great at it.

Susan [00:06:07]:
He could go to a party and be with everyone he doesn't know and just be completely fine. And I'm not, you know, but most people aren't. Most people are not like him. And so I have to remember that everyone else is wanting to find someone to talk to as well. Yeah. Yeah.

Susan [00:06:26]:
The hashtag because human, I love that. #becausehuman

Ruby [00:06:29]:
I love that too. We're all human. We all make mistakes. But how is that serving us to just constantly beat ourselves up, that barrage of, you know, we're not good enough or we're failing. It just it was constant in my head. Mhmm. And what well, back to the listener's questions. Can we give yourself too much grace? And is that selfish? Like, is it selfish to be, like, thinking about our own grace, our own self compassion? But, actually, again, the opposite is true.

Ruby [00:07:03]:
The more we can just be kind to ourselves, then we'll start to have kinder thoughts. It all affects your thoughts and your feelings and your behaviors. It's all intertwined. Yeah.

Susan [00:07:13]:
Yeah. I just think what I think happens when we start to be kinder to ourselves is that then drinking isn't kind to ourselves, and our brain starts to get on board with that. Right? Because drinking makes us feel bad. Drinking made me, anyway, beat myself up. And so a shift starts to happen, and all of a sudden drinking is a thing that brings pain, and then your brain gets on board with the fact this is how the neural pathways change. And a lot of people talk about that click where all of a sudden, like, something clicked. I think that's the click. You finally love yourself enough to not drink because drinking is something that's bringing you harm.

Ruby [00:07:57]:
Yeah. That clicked for me too, and I got it. It's and it took time, and it took working on myself and really digging into a lot of all these beliefs that your brain thinks is true, and it's not true. Let's talk about, like, the diet mentality. Right? You may like, kind of beat yourself up or think you're lazy if you have self compassion. Self compassion like, oh, today, I did have something I don't know. Say you're not trying to eat sugar, and you have some sugar. Or we can even talk about alcohol.

Ruby [00:08:32]:
Right? And if you're so hard on yourself that it's just gonna create these negative feelings, negative thoughts, and all of a sudden, you're back to keep drinking again. Yeah. For relief. For relief. Right? From all the negative thoughts and thinking. So, actually, the opposite is true. When you can I know it is from all, like, my when I'm trying to lose weight, because you will make mistakes? Nobody's perfect. It's like and what is perfection? There is no such thing.

Ruby [00:09:05]:
Right. There's no such thing. So you just have compassion. Yes. I drank, but why? And you're just okay. That happened. Okay. Let's move on.

Ruby [00:09:14]:
Let's just take

Susan [00:09:18]:
Well, yeah, beating ourselves up does not help us take responsibility. Grace does. So there's a song that I love. It's a Christian song, but it's your kindness that leads to repentance. This is in, you know, relationship with God, but it's the same thing. When you're kind, all of a sudden you could go, oh, I wanna do differently.

Ruby [00:09:40]:
Mhmm.

Susan [00:09:41]:
But when you're beating yourself up, you just don't wanna you, you just wanna hide. It made me wanna hide. It made me not wanna look at it. So, in fact, beating ourselves up keeps us from getting the data out of the data points.

Ruby [00:09:55]:
Mhmm.

Susan [00:09:55]:
And that's when you just keep repeating them or repeating them because you're not getting the data Right.

Ruby [00:10:01]:
To change it. It fills you with shame if you're I mean, we're talking about shame here. Really, underlying this is, like, if you're beating yourself up and you're not giving yourself compassion and grace, then you have this feeling of shame, like, I am wrong. Right? I am a wrong person. Something's wrong with me. And, again, if you can go, there's something maybe wrong with everyone or some everyone struggles or, you know, you're not the only one going through something difficult. And that, to me, I'll repeat it because it just really, like, just goes it gives me relief. Okay.

Ruby [00:10:38]:
I'm not the only one here.

Susan [00:10:40]:
Yeah. And sometimes we are really disappointed in ourselves, and that's okay. Mhmm. You can say, oh, I really wish I hadn't done that. And instead of like, oh, why'd I eat that cake? Or why'd I, you know, end up drinking? I'm such a loser. What's wrong with me? Blah blah blah. That's all that. Instead of just like, oh, I, you know, I drank 3 glasses.

Susan [00:11:07]:
I didn't wanna do that, and what do I wanna do next time? And what was going on with me? What data can I get from this in order to make a plan for this not to happen again? In order to understand what was going on with me that led me to want to drink. So there's such a difference there in the language. You know, acknowledge and take responsibility and plan. What do I wanna do next time? What can I get from this? What can I learn from this? It's so different from I'm such a loser and such a jerk, and I keep failing, and I suck, and I'm never gonna get this. Right.

Ruby [00:11:46]:
Right.

Susan [00:11:46]:
Right? You know? 

Ruby [00:11:47]:
That just keeps you feeling horrible about yourself and feeling that shame. And then it might keep you drinking or keep you eating the foods you don't want to, not taking care of yourself. You know, we talked about self sabotage in a previous episode, and it's similar. And what's, in fact, likely, though, is when you give yourself more self care, you're just likely to try again. Keep persisting. Not giving up. You know, I think about looking at the journey of an alcohol free journey, and it truly is a journey. It's a longer journey where you actually have to keep at it, keep persisting.

Ruby [00:12:31]:
And if you beat yourself up and it's just, like, you know, like, punching yourself, you can only handle that for so long. And with self care, you can really make this a long term journey. Yes. And to your point, Susan, a lot of times, you need help, And that's where, like, a coach can come in. A coach can shine a light. And there's so many times where I've had a client that's beating themselves up. They just had a data point. And then they come to a coaching call, and we work through it.

Ruby [00:13:03]:
And they bring in the self compassion piece, the grace. We talked about it. And it's like this relief. You can just see it. Just a relief, and then they're ready to try again. They get hope again. You know? Yes. And this is what I love about coaching.

Ruby [00:13:16]:
I just love this moment where we can pull people out from the depths and, like, have them see things in a different way, give them hope, and get them empowered again and ready to just keep going on your journey. This is a life journey. Yeah.

Susan [00:13:32]:
Well, and that's why I wanted to become a coach, honestly, as I was in so much pain under my little black shame cloud that my heart is that I don't want any other person to have to live like that. And I lived like that for such a long time. And so I want to help liberate. I want to help people not live in that place of, you know, doing the same thing over and over again and beating yourself up and living in that shame spiral constantly. So, yeah, it is, that is, like, my mission. You know? That's what I want to do to help people because it's such a painful place to be. Mhmm. But it is also something we don't really learn either Mhmm.

Susan [00:14:15]:
In life, how to have self compassion because the parenting styles for most of us weren't like that. Right? Right. Yeah. So it was just like, do better. Yeah. So, but I also there's a diff there is one thing that I wanna point out too though, where your brain can trick you a little bit into using the idea of grace as a reason to push the f it button, let's say, or a so there is so I wanna just make the distinction in between and maybe this is what the listeners think thinking about. Is there too much grace? Like, there's no. There's not too much grace, but there is what I would say. The word I would use is licentiousness, where you give yourself license to do something.

Susan [00:15:04]:
And sometimes when you're learning this grace or when you're learning about data points, you can go, oh, I'll just have a data point. K? Data point is not premeditated. Okay? If you are so Right.

Ruby [00:15:16]:
Like, I'm gonna plan out my data point when I'm on vacation. Yeah. No. That's called an excuse that you really do wanna drink. Right?

Susan [00:15:25]:
Yes.

Ruby [00:15:25]:
Yeah. You're giving yourself a license.

Susan [00:15:27]:
Yes. So that's not grace. Grace is not giving yourselves license to do something. Then that's something you can work on about, you know, whether you're doing that. Like, giving your like, really looking at that about am I giving myself license, or is this truly a data point? And may and and that's it seems like splitting hairs, but it's really not. You know. You know. And that's when, you know, you need to put your big curl pants on and take responsibility for, like, okay.

Susan [00:15:57]:
I see what's happening here, and maybe your brain is even tricking you using that as a permission giving thought of or a green light thought. Oh, it's okay. It'll be a data point. Don't worry about it. Just have a drink. It's a data point.

Ruby [00:16:11]:
You can yeah. Yeah. I'll give another example from what I've heard, is, like, going into duck mode. Right? Duck mode is where you say, okay. I'm not gonna drink tonight. So, say, you make that decision, and you prepare, and you think about your alcohol free drink and what you're gonna say and do, but then something happens, and you get really I like what you say, Sue. You said, like, your brain gets hijacked for some reason. And you do drink.

Ruby [00:16:41]:
So this grace is about the next morning, instead of waking up and being, like, you know, like, so mad, maybe even crying or being angry or just just, like, I remember that in my head, right, that, Oh my god. I did it again. You know? And just being so, like, literally felt like, yeah, someone beating, having a fist fight in my brain the next morning. And that's when you wanna go, Okay. That happened. Take a deep breath. What can I learn from it? And that's what we mean by having self compassion or grace.

Susan [00:17:17]:
Mhmm. But it's not preemptive. That's license. Right.

Ruby [00:17:21]:
It's license and justice. And the opposite is, I'm gonna go ahead and have a data point. And that's when we say. Oh, yeah. Okay. That, you know, what more data do you need? I like that question. What more data do you really need? Or is that an excuse?

Susan [00:17:36]:
Yeah. Yeah. That's so good. So that's I think that that's a good point to bring up because I do see sometimes that may be what the listener's talking about. Like, you know, am I giving myself too much grace? It's not an advanced thing. It's after the fact. Yeah. Yeah.

Susan [00:17:57]:
So one of the things well, so what I wanted to mention is, like I said in the beginning, I really struggled with self compassion. I didn't even know I was like, what is this? Like, I don't even know. Like, I had 0% self compassion and 0% skills on any kind of self compassion. And one of the things so I did some of my own research to just find something to get some, you know, knowledge about it. And one of the peep books that I found is this book called Radical Self Compassion by Tara Brach. And I think you and I mentioned in one of our earlier episodes that that is where Ruby and I met and got to know each other. So Tara Brach talks about a self compassion practice called RAIN, and Ruby and I attended a course that she had put on with RAIN partners, and then we decided to partner up and practice RAIN together on a regular basis. And we have been doing this now for over 2 years.

Susan [00:18:57]:
Yes. Every single time we do it. But it really started to help me understand. I'm very much a doer. I need a formula person in a way, and it was, like, giving me a framework, like a framework person. Like, oh, this is how you do self compassion. Like, I needed that in order to start to be able to practice it. So so, Ruby, why don't you tell us what RAIN stands for? Sure.

Ruby [00:19:21]:
So, yeah, again, this came RAIN is an acronym that stands for Recognize, Allow, investigate, and then nurture. And we're not gonna do too much on this. We're just gonna pique your interest. Right? But what do you do with a partner? Why do I love to do it with a partner? You could do it by yourself. Yes. But it's really interesting, or I feel like you can be seen and heard. Even though you're doing this practice on your own, you can share with a partner. And it's like someone's witnessing what you're going through.

Ruby [00:20:02]:
And, like, it feels, I don't know, you feel heard, even though you're doing all the work internally. What I remember though, Susan, is I couldn't tap into my feelings. Because as a drinker, a daily drinker for decades, I was numbing my feelings. And this, it honestly took probably a year of doing weekly rein to really get it. Oh, this is what it feels like in my body. This is what I'm feeling. And I use lists, you know, to try to just figure out, what am I really feeling? And it's more about feelings, I think. Yeah.

Susan [00:20:39]:
Yeah. Yeah. And the nurturing part, that's, I think, the part that really I mean, I had the problems with learning about my feelings as well, but then the nurture part is bringing in that common humanity part. It's like nurturing that place that is imperfect, that place that struggled, that place that didn't miss the mark that you're feeling bad about or the inner child.

Susan [00:21:03]:
So it's similar to some inner child work too because a lot of times, it's the inner child that's been pricked that created the outer action that you're feeling bad about. Right? Mhmm. And so much understanding comes out of it. I think I can just quickly do, like, a quick rundown as, Rain, as you recognize what happened. You know, recognize the circumstance and you recognize the feelings, sometimes hard to do. Right? Allowing the feelings and that during the allowing, you're kinda, like, just sitting there saying it's okay to feel this. Because a lot of times when we feel negative emotions, we want to push them away.

Susan [00:21:44]:
So that's huge. Then investigating is investigating the felt sense of the emotion in your body, not investigating mentally. Like, okay. Why did I do this? Mhmm. It's investigating how it feels in my body. Does my heart pound? My stomach's cramping. I feel hot. I feel you know, it's all sensory, which is also very

Ruby [00:22:06]:
Right.

Susan [00:22:06]:
Hard, hard to do.

Ruby [00:22:07]:
And it took a long time for me to get there. I would always be like I would be at this part, I would always be like, oh, I'm gonna solve the problem with my brain.

Susan [00:22:14]:
Yes. Oh,

Ruby [00:22:15]:
I should do this and do that or it and then you go, no. Wait a minute. It's about how I feel.

Susan [00:22:20]:
Yeah. Yes. In fact, it's not really about solving the problem at all. Right. Then you go to nurture, and nurturing is just giving that inner child or giving that part of yourself that is having that feeling, the nurture that it needs, the love, the nurture. But then to your point, Ruby, which is fascinating because I know we've both experienced this. When we have done a RAIN meditation around something, the situation tends to then miraculously change or resolve itself. So even though we're trying to don't you agree, Ruby? Yes.

Susan [00:22:56]:
When have we done this?

Ruby [00:22:58]:
So the goal, yeah. The goal really here is just to provide self care and support for yourself. And the situation then is kinda secondary. It's interesting. Yeah. Sometimes we go, oh my gosh. I was just 5 minutes ago or, you know, about 20 minutes for meditation. It's like, I was just, like, so spinning around something, and then all of a sudden, you're just like, oh, it's okay.

Ruby [00:23:22]:
I can handle it.

Susan [00:23:24]:
Yeah. But then you will text each other later going, you know that thing that I was all of a sudden no. Say it's a conflict with a person, let's say. All of a sudden, it's like, oh, that person came to me, and now it's, like, totally resolved. What? Like, it's miraculously how that seems to happen, I think. Don't you, Ruby? Yeah.

Ruby [00:23:45]:
So I'm a huge fan of Tara Brach, her books, her RAIN meditation. She's got workshops, so I would yeah. I love her. I think she's amazing. Yeah.

Susan [00:23:55]:
It's a great resource, and it's also something I do with my clients.

Ruby [00:23:58]:
I know. Me too.

Susan [00:23:59]:
Walk them through RAIN. Yeah. And so, you know yeah. I was gonna say that this is the part of the podcast where we talk about what helps us feel lit, and I was gonna say rain helps me feel lit. So this is sort of a first, like, that that what we're saying helps you with self compassion and grace is also something that helps you really feel lit because it really it's a practice in my life that I wanna continue to do because it's so rewarding and life giving, and it does help you feel it. And because And

Ruby [00:24:33]:
there's that common humanity piece because you're doing it with a partner. Yes. And in her program, you do it well, she puts you into breakout groups, so you're with 4 people. And you get to meet people, and you go right into some crazy, you know, issue that someone's going through and, like and then at the end, they're just they accept their feelings. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of pushing your feelings right. Oh, I love it.

Ruby [00:24:57]:
Yes. I know. And also oh, go ahead. Oh, I just agree. I feel lit after a rain session. I really do. Yes. I I feel good.

Susan [00:25:07]:
Me too. And also but also sometimes we've had sessions where it's like, I don't know. I didn't really get to the feeling, like, you know, and it felt good, but it was like, okay. You know. But then whatever later on, it, like, starts to manifest better feelings in my body. So sometimes, you know, I feel like we're kind of making this sound like it's amazing, and it is amazing. But if you do it and you try it and you're like, that was kinda I don't know. It takes number 1, practice.

Susan [00:25:37]:
Practice. And number 2, don't underestimate the power of it because later, you can see the fruit sometimes of what came of that.

Ruby [00:25:49]:
That's a really good point. Yeah. And sometimes, just like a regular meditation where you're quiet and meditating, it's not an amazing meditation maybe, but you just do it as a practice.

Susan [00:26:03]:
Yes. 

Ruby [00:26:04]:
There's so many things we just do as practice because it's like a tree growing. Right? The it exponentially will you I mean, RAIN has exponentially made me a better coach, a better listener. It makes you a better listener because you cannot talk when the other person's talking too. I did the right thing. You're like, oh, you'd know advice giving. You just listen. Give it, you listen, and then we got it.

Susan [00:26:30]:
Just hold space.

Ruby [00:26:31]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Susan [00:26:32]:
And Yeah. At the end, sometimes Ruby and I go, okay. Can I give you a little coaching on that?

Ruby [00:26:37]:
Yeah. We'll do that at the end sometime. Yeah.

Susan [00:26:39]:
Yeah. Which is great. Yeah. So this was a great wow. This was jam packed. We just dove right into, like, some really meaty, intense stuff, I think, in this episode. 

Ruby [00:26:51]:
And the answer to the question is no. There's no such thing as giving yourself too much grace or too much self compassion. There really isn't.

Susan [00:27:01]:
No.

Ruby [00:27:01]:
What a great question, though.

Susan [00:27:03]:
Yeah. Yeah. It was so great. Alright. Thanks for sharing with us today. Please continue to interact with us and give us your questions or your thoughts about our episode. 

Ruby [00:27:14]:
We'd love to hear from you. Okay. Thank you very much. Okay. Bye bye.

Susan [00:27:18]:
Bye.

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