Childless Not by Choice Maureen’s Story of Strength and Support / Ep. 033

Welcome to the "Feel It Alcohol Free" podcast with your hosts Ruby and Susan, where we explore the journey to an alcohol-free lifestyle and the profound impact it has on our lives. In this episode, we have a very special guest, Maureen Benkovich, a certified alcohol freedom coach, who shares her deeply personal struggle with alcohol and the emotional toll of infertility and disenfranchised grief.  Her story of multiple miscarriages, failed fertility treatments, and the heart-wrenching disappointment of a failed adoption will resonate with anyone who has experienced similar challenges. Through her vulnerability, Maureen emphasizes the need for meaningful support and understanding during times of grief, especially when it comes to disenfranchised grief.

Maureen’s vulnerability and resilience offer a beacon of hope and inspiration.

Where to find out more about Maureen: https://www.soberfitchick.com/
email: maureen@soberfitchick.com
FB: https://www.facebook.com/soberfitchickllc
Instagram: /https://www.instagram.com/soberfitchickllc/
Childless Not By Choice FB Group

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Websites:
Susan Larkin Coaching https://www.susanlarkincoaching.com/
Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Susan: @drinklesswithsusan
Follow Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching

It is strongly recommended that you seek professional advice regarding your health before attempting to take a break from alcohol. The creators, hosts, and producers of the The Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast are not healthcare practitioners and therefore do not give medical, or psychological advice nor do they intend for the podcast, any resource or communication on behalf of the podcast or otherwise to be a substitute for such.

Transcript

Sick and tired of your love-hate relationship with wine?
Welcome to the feel it alcohol free podcast. Hi. I'm coach Ruby Williams. And I'm coach Susan Larkin. We are 2 former wine lovers turned alcohol freedom coaches exposing the lies about alcohol and giving you, our listeners, the tools to break free so you can feel lit. And when you're lit, you'll feel healthier, freer, and more in control of your life. So relax, kick back, and get ready to feel lit alcohol free. And don't forget, grab a copy of our wine free weekend guide after the show.

Ruby [00:00:32]:
Welcome to the Feel It Alcohol Free podcast. We have another amazing episode and a special guest today, Maureen Benkovich. She is a certified alcohol freedom coach, like Susan and I, and she's also the author of The Role of Alcohol and Depression and Anxiety in the Life Coach's Toolkit.  Maureen is committed to helping women who are silently suffering with this particular type of loss and drinking to numb and hide grief. She has Sober Fit Chick Coaching, and she focuses on empowering women who are childless not by choice, helping them to reclaim their identity and find healthier ways to cope with their anxiety and depression. So, I'm so excited to welcome Maureen. And we met years ago, actually, in the This Naked Mind path.

Ruby [00:01:30]:
I was one of her coaches, and then she wanted to be a coach too. It's so exciting. So, Maureen, will you introduce yourself and provide a little bit of background around your alcohol free journey? 

Maureen Benkovich [00:01:44]:
Ruby, Susan, thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I love you guys. And Ruby was one of my inspirations to become a coach. She was one of my coaches, and she was actually the first person I called when I said I want to become a coach. So I'm always grateful for meeting Ruby. And so about me, people, I started drinking at a young age just because of our culture in the eighties. In high school, I was drinking, and then in college, you know, and there was some binging in college, but it was, again, more of a cultural thing.

Maureen Benkovich [00:02:20]:
But I did recognize even in high school, like, oh, this makes me feel more confident. I had a bit of social anxiety, and so I would feel loosened up. And so I did notice that. I remember that. But then I was a pharmaceutical sales rep, so still the drinking was, you know, moderate. But the whining and dining of doctors and work hard, play hard ethic in that corporate world was there as I know you guys know about. So, again, the drinking was starting to increase, but still what people would call moderate. And and then, really, the biggest struggle was in my marriage because we wanted to have children.

Maureen Benkovich [00:03:02]:
And I'm the last of 5 children. My dad was in world war two, just to let you know their ages. And so I grew up in a very traditional home, and I remember when I went to him, I wanted to be a lawyer like my dad. I'm like, I wanna go to law school. I wanna work with you. He's like, no. You wanna be a mom. Stay home like your mother with children.

Maureen Benkovich [00:03:21]:
And it was sort of, like, really ingrained in me, and I and I loved how my mom could stay home with us. So it really got ingrained in me to be a mother. You know, that was the next step.

Ruby [00:03:31]:
Wow.

Maureen Benkovich [00:03:33]:
Yeah. And so when we got married, we got pregnant right away, 6 months into marriage, and I'm like, you know, thought, here we go. And then I miscarried, and I was shocked because I'm like I said, I'm from 5 kids. There was never any problem in our family, and my husband has a large family too. But, you know, we thought, okay. So we'll just try again. We're young, and we did. And then as we weren't getting pregnant, we moved into the fertility world, infertility treatments, and nobody ever tells you they're brutal.

Maureen Benkovich [00:04:10]:
Mhmm. They're very heart wrenching. You're filled up with a lot of hormones. Your emotions are like a roller coaster. Like, you can't believe the big highs, the big lows. And then, ultimately, I would get pregnant, and then I would miscarry.

Susan [00:04:26]:
Oh.

Maureen Benkovich [00:04:27]:
And we do it again. And I got pregnant, and we miscarried. Yeah. All my friends around me, all my friends were getting pregnant, having babies, having another baby, building their families. So I'm just, like, devastated not understanding what is going on and also really struggling with how I was feeling inside. Like, it was hard for me to be around my friends. It was hard to go to baby showers. I was happy for them, of course, but I just couldn't understand what was going on.

Maureen Benkovich [00:05:02]:
And I just didn't know anybody like me. There was nobody like me. So that was so hard. And then we finally stopped doing fertility treatments. They're super expensive. They're just heart wrenching, like I said. And someone came to us at our church and said there's a young girl, a teenage girl, who's pregnant, and their parents wanna know they wanna adopt through the church. And we're like, well, this must be it.

Maureen Benkovich [00:05:27]:
Right? Like, baby on the doorstep. These must be all the reasons why. The kicker was she was gonna deliver in 3 weeks from the time we found out. So it was like a fast decision. Mhmm. And we had to write letters to her with some other couples about why we wanted to become parents, and she picked us. So our church, like, gave us all these, you know, baby room, baby stuff. We were getting ready.

Maureen Benkovich [00:05:49]:
We're like, okay. Like, here we go. In three weeks, we're going to be parents all of a sudden. And a week before her delivery, her parents backed out and and really, abruptly, and they're like, don't contact us. We don't wanna hear from you. Leave our daughter alone. Like, all this stuff was really strange.

Maureen Benkovich [00:06:08]:
But it was worse than a miscarriage. It was gut wrenching and, you know, having to give everything back to everybody and explain. And people are very well meaning, but what they often say are things like, you know, you can try again or, oh, I have a friend who tried forever and they had a baby and, you know, or really ignorant things like take my kids for a weekend, then you won't wanna have kids. All kinds of things.

Ruby [00:06:34]:
Oh, Maureen. What? May I ask, Maureen? What would you have wanted to hear from people in the church or in your family?

Maureen Benkovich [00:06:41]:
Would wanna hear like, wow. That really sucks. Yeah. I'm so sorry. You must be in a lot of pain. And can I just sit with you? Can I just be with you and let you cry? And even now I'm getting emotional because I didn't know how to grieve. Because this is what I learned on the other side of alcohol. And finally looking at my grief journey through clear head and clear eyes and finding a support group for this very issue, I was experiencing something called disenfranchised grief.

Maureen Benkovich [00:07:15]:
So what it means is, like, it's not tangible. Nobody can see it. You know, when you lose a parent or, god forbid, a child or even a pet, people you had this thing that people saw and knew, and then it was no longer there. And there's usually a funeral or ceremony or cards or, you know, sympathy. This was something intangible to everybody else. Even my husband couldn't even feel what I felt. And so I was very confused because people were very much like, you know, get over it. Just get over it.

Susan [00:07:45]:
Keep going. 

Maureen Benkovich [00:07:46]:
Oh, you can do whatever you want now. You know?

Ruby [00:07:48]:
Try again.

Maureen Benkovich [00:07:49]:
Just yeah. Try again or, you know, hey. You dodged a bullet. Like, just the whole gamut of stuff. So I'm super depressed. I'm already a person who has depression. I'm on antidepressants, and I don't know who I am. That's the biggest loss.

Maureen Benkovich [00:08:07]:
It's not even now I know there's so much of not having a child. It's the loss of the identity of being a mom and being part of the mom club and going through all the experiences that everybody else does and this is the kind of grief, this disenfranchised grief, that keeps on giving. Because with every transitional phase you watch your friends and their kids go through, you know, 1st day of school, school pictures, You know, commercials are killer at Christmas time. You know, commercials are killer at Christmas time. There's another term I learned called pronatalism, and it's it's not a it's not a judgmental term. It's just what is. This world is very pro-natalist.

Susan [00:08:54]:
Yes.

Maureen Benkovich [00:08:55]:
You know? Think about it. When you have conversations with people, what's the usual icebreaker with women? Do you have children?

Susan [00:09:01]:
Do you have children? How old are your kids?

Ruby [00:09:03]:
How are you?

Susan [00:09:03]:
Sometimes they just assume you have children. Right? And just ask. How old are your kids? Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:09:08]:
So then I go through this. What should I say? How much do I say? You know? No. I couldn't have them. Well, why not? Oh, and, you know, I had things from, like, my mother-in-law being like, well, you shouldn't work. That's the problem. You know? And other people everybody would wanna offer you their opinions. Mhmm.

Maureen Benkovich [00:09:28]:
But then as the years went on, you know, I was just that woman who didn't have poor Maureen. Yeah. She didn't have children. That sad woman, and I didn't wanna be that. So subconsciously, I would say I started to develop this party girl persona. Hey. I'm the friend you can go out and party with when you get a babysitter for your kids, and I'll get pretty wild too. I'll you know, let's go.

Maureen Benkovich [00:09:51]:
But as you know, when you're and I was a binge drinker. Right? So I wouldn't drink during the week because I was also a fitness person, personal trainer. I was even a fitness competitor at times. So I was really living out of alignment with my values, but the weekends were so hard because everybody would get together and talk about their kids. We're out together, and I'd be like, you know, ask all the polite questions at first for the first 10 minutes. But as the conversations

Maureen Benkovich [00:10:13]:
go on and on and on, and I'd like a drink, please.

Maureen Benkovich [00:10:16]:
You know? Yeah.

Ruby [00:10:17]:
Because I get it.

Maureen Benkovich [00:10:18]:
Yeah. And sometimes I would end up in a puddle, like, bawling my eyes out, and people would be like, what's wrong? And I'm like, I'm worth nothing. If there's not, I got pretty dark. Who am I? Why am I here? I'm broken as a woman. And this is not uncommon in women who are childless not by choice, which is another term I never learned because as I said, there was no support back then. Yeah. It was either like you couldn't have them or didn't want them.

Maureen Benkovich [00:10:50]:
It wasn't there wasn't this whole gray area in between, and there are really so many women who are childless not by choice or circumstance. Right? So I was childless, not by choice, and I tried infertility and failed adoption. There are many women who just don't ever meet the right person.

Ruby [00:11:08]:
Yeah. One of my best friends and I had the same discussion. She's Mhmm. Just haven't found the right partner. Or had long term partners, but she never had a child, and now she's 50. Right? So, yeah, I have had this discussion with several friends.

Maureen Benkovich [00:11:26]:
Some people are sick. They can't. Right. They have cancer. They can't take, they can't get pregnant. They do infertility and beyond cancer drugs. Like, there are so many women now that I've met, that I understand there's so many ways to get to this childless not by choice. And it's really important to have that distinction because there are many women who are child free, right, by choice.

Ruby [00:11:46]:
Right. Right.

Maureen Benkovich [00:11:47]:
That's totally different.

Ruby [00:11:48]:
I never want to have children, and they know it, and that's great, and that's fine. Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:11:54]:
Yeah. And they still experience their own set of hurdles. Right? Because there's still society that is pro pro-natalistic, and why wouldn't you wanna have kids? So they deal with their but so here I was drinking, and then I was now tying my drinking to sadness. And you both know what that does when you start tying an addictive substance to trauma, stress, depression, and I was wearing this camouflage mask of this party girl. And then, you know, I drink so heavily on the weekends, the binging. I'd be wrecked Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but not just physically because at that time, I was still young enough that I'm still, like, metabolizing it better and still recovering, and I'm in good shape. I'm a fitness person. But emotionally and mentally, I would go way down.

Ruby [00:12:43]:
Wow.

Maureen Benkovich [00:12:43]:
Really depressed. Dark. And I was alone. Right? Everybody's taking care of their kids, going to the bus, making sure nobody knows what I'm doing. I can hide it. I can hide it all week long that I'm really depressed and then be the party girl again on the weekend. And I needed the alcohol to lift me up to give me that dopamine boost, you know, to get through the socializing and the child centric talks and and and just the feeling of, like, wow. I don't fit in with anybody.

Ruby [00:13:16]:
Wow. You are outlining this so well and how your alcohol addiction just progressed.

Maureen Benkovich [00:13:23]:
Mhmm.

Ruby [00:13:23]:
It makes so much sense. And I am so sorry you went through all of that grieving for decades. Decades.

Susan [00:13:32]:
Yeah. I mean, I had a miscarriage as well. And, you know, and it is true that society doesn't know how to help you with that or deal with that at all. And I'd had a child, so I felt guilty even being upset. You know, it was sort of like, well, you have one, so why are you so upset about it? You know what I mean? Like, it was like and then my children, I did have a second child and they're 6 years apart. And people would even ask, like, why are your kids 6 years apart? Like, that's weird. And it's like, well, do you really wanna know all the details? 

Maureen Benkovich [00:14:03]:
Do you really wanna know?

Susan [00:14:04]:
Oh my gosh. And I remember being in church. Oh, Maureen, when you were just explaining, I remember a good friend of mine telling me that she was pregnant right after I had the miscarriage and I started sobbing in church. It was, like, so embarrassing. I was just trying to, like, suck it up. Yeah. I'm feeling so guilty that I was feeling so upset. Like, you don't know what to do with it.

Susan [00:14:28]:
And yeah. And you're not, like you said, this disenfranchised grieving, and I I mean, it's not the same because I do have children, and I wanna acknowledge that. But then when experiencing the loss and then, you know, how do you grieve without feeling guilty about feeling jealous of other people? And, yeah, it's just so complicated. I adjust. My heart goes out to you. Mhmm. Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:14:52]:
You know, we're taught in this world, if you try hard enough, if you just keep going, you'll get what you want. Well, that wasn't

Susan [00:14:57]:
the case. Yeah. Around fertility, you have such little control, and it is like all aspects. You know? It is so true. And for a control freak, yeah, that's that's hard to deal with. Right?

Maureen Benkovich [00:15:13]:
So then I knew I was drinking too much, and I was really struggling with it. Because like I said, I'm a personal trainer. I'm teaching other people about health and wellness. And I'm like, what are you doing? I would look in the mirror and go, what are you doing? You are killing yourself. You literally this is I didn't even know how bad it was at that time. I just knew it was bad. Yeah. And so in my life, at 38, I decided to do a figure contest to type of, like, bodybuilding, but you still look like a woman.

Maureen Benkovich [00:15:42]:
And, and I remember, like, I had to tell all my friends. So look. I'm not gonna be drinking for, like, 6 months. I'm doing this thing, and they were all like, what? Why would you do that? You know? But I remember. So that was 38 then. This was 20 years ago, feeling relief. Like, now I have a reason not to drink that way.

Susan [00:16:00]:
Yeah. 

Maureen Benkovich [00:16:01]:
Now I have a reason to live up to those Maureen is gonna be the crazy party girl, because I didn't know how to stop. So I did this contest, and I was in the best shape of my life. And it was great, but I didn't do the work. I didn't take that time. So it's basically just, like, white knuckling it. Yeah. White knuckling it. The contest, and I go right back to my drinking and even more.

Ruby [00:16:25]:
But how did you feel, like, at 6 months alcohol free? So did you actually get 6 months, or did you have…

Maureen Benkovich [00:16:33]:
No. No. When you have the threat of getting up on a stage in a tiny bikini that you're gluing on your ass, you will stick to.

Susan [00:16:37]:
You're literally gluing it on your ass, right, with glue. Yeah. That's so funny. Oh my gosh.

Ruby [00:16:45]:
You know, I’m proud of you, though. That's amazing. I'm so proud of you.

Maureen Benkovich [00:16:49]:
Well, I did it again. So I did another one. It took me 8 months of prep that time. And, again, same thing, but I didn't take no one ever, you know, encouraged me or I thought about doing the work, about have you noticed you're feeling so good? Do you think there's a reason why? So I went right back to drinking even after the second one. And, and people were like my friend's like, oh, thank god you're not doing that thing again. So no support again, but I do remember the feeling of relief. So that was, like, the first, you know, red flag kinda thing. That was 20 years ago.

Susan [00:17:20]:
Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:17:21]:
And then the depression never stops. The sadness because, like I said, with every, you know, change in the transitions you watch your friends experience, you know, or even, like, I could never have my parents and never be grandparents. Like, that was hard and sad. And explaining to them and, you know, not having siblings with my, you know, brothers and sisters' kids, all those kinds of things. Just all the losses that keep coming. So I still wasn't putting it together, but I was putting it together, okay, after every time I binge, I start to, like, really get depressed and go down. There's a connection here. Mhmm.

Maureen Benkovich [00:17:58]:
So I was a pharmaceutical rep. I'm into the body. I like to look things up. So I started looking it up. Alcohol induced depression, alcohol induced anxiety. Sure enough, there's, you know, a myriad of studies out there how it really exacerbates your depression. So where are what? I'm going to go with 1,000,000 people on antidepressants drinking alcohol.

Ruby [00:18:20]:
Oh, yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:18:20]:
So here we are taking these antianxiety drugs or others. Taking these drugs that are supposed to regulate, you know, our neurotransmitters and yet we're drinking a substance that depletes our neurotransmitters. Transmitters. So you're making the medicine ineffective and you're increasing the very thing that you're, you know, trying to treat and you're also self medicating with alcohol. Right. So the depression is just getting worse and so many people and as a pharmaceutical rep, people never talk about that. You know, my training, doctors don't talk about it. I went to my doctor, and I'm sure you had this too.

Maureen Benkovich [00:18:54]:
I said, I think I'm drinking too much. And she said, well, you're fit. You work out. Look at you're fine. That's all I need to hear.

Susan [00:19:01]:
Isn't that crazy? I know. Yeah. Thank you. 

Ruby [00:19:05]:
Or did you lie to your doctor? I remember looking at the doctor chart, and it said 7 I can't remember. 7 or 14 drinks for women in a week. And I'm like, yeah. I have 7 drinks in a week. No. I was probably having 14 in a day. Yeah..

Maureen Benkovich [00:19:20]:
I was actually telling the truth, and I was getting written off by my doctors. And I wasn't strong enough in wanting to change that. I was like, well, okay. But so the progression then was interesting because I finally knew because my depression had gotten so bad. I mean, I probably haven't said it on any podcast yet. I don't think I'd be here if I hadn't stopped drinking. I was considering the only way I could think of to end my pain. No worries.

Maureen Benkovich [00:19:50]:
And I went to my doctor, and I called my therapist. I said, I'm I'm struggling with suicidal ideation. And I knew enough about that because I used to sell And I had gone off of my antidepressants, and they're like, you know, the medical community.

Susan [00:20:05]:
Alright. 

Maureen Benkovich [00:20:05]:
Get right back on those. Okay. But I said, I'm gonna stop drinking. I got to stop drinking. And that's when I found the group that the review was coaching me in, and it said, do you wanna do this for a year? Do you really wanna make alcohol small and relevant in your life? And that was like a lifeline. I'm like, yes. I definitely do. Interestingly, once I got into it, it only took about 2 months for me to be like, I am done because the biggest thing was to hear alcohol is an addictive substance, and it's not your fault.

Ruby [00:20:39]:
Yeah. I love that.

Susan [00:20:41]:
That was the thing that really got to me too. Once I could take responsibility and realize there's nothing wrong with me. Yeah. That just broke everything open. Yeah. It was Yeah. So, so life changing saying

Ruby [00:20:57]:
that you're not alone. This group or a coach or somebody that you can really be honest with and share. Like, right now, I am so proud of you, Maureen, for sharing vulnerability. This is like a big step. Yeah. You keep sharing and because if you're brave enough to do this, then you're helping maybe millions of women. You know? Whoever's gonna see this and listen to this, it might be in the same place.

Maureen Benkovich [00:21:25]:
That is why I'm doing it. I kept it to myself for years because I didn't understand it. You know? And I just thought, what's wrong with you? Get over it because that's what everybody else thought too. Yeah. So then I know, interestingly enough, you can't really grieve. Right? You cannot go through the grief process if you're drinking. You stay stuck in grief. You just stay stuck.

Maureen Benkovich [00:21:46]:
And that's where I was. I was stuck. So removing the alcohol, that first big domino, I started to look back on, you know, those 20 years of that terrible dark period. I'm like, wow. It really was tied to not being able to have children. So, again, I start googling. There's gotta be other people like me because now I've learned from being in a coaching community. That's what helps the community and vulnerability.

Maureen Benkovich [00:22:13]:
So I found this group called it's relatively new, like, within the last… Well, let me backup. 

Maureen Benkovich [00:22:22]:
I found a book called The Unexpected Life, Living the Unexpected Life by Jodi Day. Anybody who is suffering with this now, if you hear this, get this book. I highlighted everything. I'm like, oh my gosh. These are the thoughts I've had in my head that I've never said to anybody, and she's telling other women's stories. I'm like, there are women like me. It was eye opening. I'm 58 now.

Maureen Benkovich [00:22:44]:
Right? And I'm just now hearing this for the first time. These terms, child is not by choice, disenfranchised grief, pronatalism, and and just women all around the world struggling with this, and infertility is on the rise.

Susan [00:22:59]:
Yes. Mhmm.

Maureen Benkovich [00:23:00]:
Unexplained infertility. And so then I found the Childless Collective because she started it called Gateway Women, and then another woman took it over, Katie Cappy, and it's called the Childless Collective. And I just interviewed her on my podcast because I wanna get this out there. I want women to know there's these resources and you are not alone. And if you're childless, not by choice, you don't have to numb. You don't have to hide. It is not your fault just like I learned with alcohol. And there are other women out there who you can relate to. So the first time I got on a Zoom call in the Childless Collective, I didn't get all emotional.

Maureen Benkovich [00:23:39]:
I saw 6 other women just like me. I had never experienced that, And I could talk freely about my hurt, about when I felt jealous, about how broken I felt sometimes.

Susan [00:23:55]:
And there were other women who felt the same way.

Maureen Benkovich [00:23:56]:
And that was, like, unbelievably healing. Yeah.

Ruby [00:24:01]:
That does sound similar to an alcohol free journey because that's the same thing that people say is, I finally am sharing that, all those thoughts. You think it's only you. I thought it was only me waking up in the middle of the night beating myself up and just not sleeping. But, no, this happens to almost everyone drinking or a lot of people drinking. Right? But you just don't know because no one's talking about it. So I see the similarities. So yeah. 

Susan [00:24:30]:
I’m so glad you're talking about this, Maureen. I love that I love that we're having you on our podcast together. It's making me emotional. I know. Me too. To help people find you, to find these resources. I think it's so important. Oh my gosh.

Susan [00:24:45]:
And not suffer alone.

Maureen Benkovich [00:24:47]:
The neat thing about the Childless Collective is within this whole group of women around the world, that's, like, cool. Right? Yeah. Our subgroups. So you can then go delineating further, like, I joined a Christian group because I'll tell you in the church, they don't handle this at all. And you feel very disenfranchised from church and many women leave their faith and leave the church because they just aren't acknowledged.

Susan [00:25:11]:
Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:25:12]:
And so to be in that group too is very powerful. And I also joined a group in my geographical area, to meet other women so that I can have coffee with them.

Ruby [00:25:22]:
Give them a hug.

Susan [00:25:22]:
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:25:25]:
So it's just really cool that there is now a resource. There wasn't when I was going through it, it was just like, get over it, suck it up, move on. And now it's like, no. 

Ruby [00:25:39]:
Yeah. Shameful. If you are suffering alone with this, especially if you're drinking alcohol, please reach out to Maureen. She is your sup Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Susan [00:25:52]:
Yeah. So I wish I could give you a hug.

Maureen Benkovich [00:25:55]:
I know. I feel it from across the way, so thank you.

Susan [00:25:58]:
Well, I just feel like god is gonna really use you in this you know, like you said, the church doesn't handle it well, but it can learn. It can learn from you and God can use you in this, in this, in this way to really help the women that are suffering like you did and and then suffering with alcohol. So then it's the double whammy. Right? Your mat your

Ruby [00:26:21]:
Double whammy. Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:26:22]:
Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. I and so I couldn't it was finally so I was now at this point, 2 years alcohol free. And just this past Christmas, man, I got hit with unbelievable grief because for the first time, I'm experiencing holidays. You know, when you're alcohol free at first, 1st year is like, oh, this is what it's like to be alcohol free. This is what it's like to go through this holiday and that hell all your first.

Maureen Benkovich [00:26:46]:
Right? So I'm more focused on that. The 2nd year was more like this, it is interesting how the 2nd year is different from the first. The 3rd year. Yeah. Christmas really hit me hard this year. I was like, oh my gosh.

Maureen Benkovich [00:27:00]:
I thought I was, you know, through this, but I had never truly grieved it without numbing. Yes. And so I let myself this is the difference. I let myself, but I also have learned to put a lot of boundaries. I don't have to go to christening showers, birthday parties for kids where there's a lot of alcohol. Baby showers maybe. Yeah. Baby showers.

Maureen Benkovich [00:27:24]:
Yeah. I don't have to watch the Hallmark movies or the commercials. Christmas, it looks very different for me. So I got encouraged through the childless collective. What do you wanna create your holiday tradition around you and I love that. Married. So I'm fortunate. So yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:27:38]:
So creating new traditions, new what does it mean, what does it look like for me? I don't have to fit into the mold.

Ruby [00:27:47]:
That's beautiful. And there's women all over the world that now you can connect and talk about, such I'm so thankful you came on our podcast to talk about this. This is something that really needs to be shared. And I really appreciate your whole journey, but I want to segue now into Maureen, we talked a lot about grief. So now, you're alcohol free for how many years now?

Maureen Benkovich [00:28:16]:
It'll be 3 years in September.

Susan [00:28:17]:
That's Woo hoo.

Ruby [00:28:18]:
Yay! So what do you do to “Feel Lit” alcohol free?

Maureen Benkovich [00:28:22]:
Yeah. Everything feels better alcohol free. Amen. I never would have believed that, you know, on the other side of it. But first of all, I've always liked to exercise. So how much better do I feel instead of getting up and punishing myself because I try to make up for the drinking? No. I'm going to my workout, and I'm giving it my all, and I'm getting stronger. I'm making gains.

Maureen Benkovich [00:28:44]:
I like that. That makes me happy. Our vacations now revolve around being active, not around, you know, going out and drinking and dinners. We did last year, we went to Croatia and did a backroads trip. We cycled through Croatia. Fun. So cool. Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:29:02]:
No. And other people were drinking on our tour, but I didn't care. I felt great. I felt great. So that's to experience everything being outside and using your body and taking care of it and being strong. You know, the first time I went to Venice, Italy with my sister and my nieces, I was not drinking. I got up every morning and ran through the streets of Venice over all those little bridges and waterways and all the vendors were setting up. Or 6 o'clock in the morning, I never would have done that if I'd been drinking.

Maureen Benkovich [00:29:32]:
So I got to it. That was, like, amazing.

Ruby [00:29:35]:
Oh, that sounds so amazing. Now I'm putting that on my bucket list. Wow.

Maureen Benkovich [00:29:40]:
Yeah. So I I would say I've always loved exercise. So now to truly be doing it to take care of myself and enjoy it and have goals. I'm a person who likes goals, not because I'm punishing myself for trying to make up for drinking. That makes me feel lit and this makes me feel lit. Sharing with people because now I know I went through this whole experience to share with other women who are struggling and there's a lot of young women just starting this journey and if I can help them to let them know, look. If you figure out that you're not gonna be a mom, there you don't have to be alone. And if I can help you in any way to not go down the road of numbing and instead learn how to process your grief and find community, then that makes me feel lit because, you know, why else am I here then to Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich [00:30:27]:
But not help other women. That's amazing.

Ruby [00:30:30]:
I think you've found a passion and a mission, and I am thrilled that you joined us. So for our listeners who wanna learn more about you and connect with you, where can they find you online or stay updated with what's going on with you, Maureen?

Maureen Benkovich [00:30:48]:
So my website and my Instagram are both sober fit chick, because like I said, I was a trainer, so now I'm a sober fit chick. Even though I'm a chick, I'm getting a little old to be a chick, but I'm gonna keep it because chicks are still fun. Right?

Ruby [00:31:00]:
Yes. You're a fit chick

Maureen Benkovich [00:31:04]:
and fit chick LLC is my Instagram. And so that's where you can find me. I did write in a chapter of life coach's toolkit about depression and anxiety, and it's really geared toward other coaches who maybe don't coach in the alcohol arena. And they have a client, and they've realized they're struggling with alcohol, how to address that without you knowing, to understand what alcohol really is, how addictive it is, and how it exacerbates depression and anxiety. It's so important to know that.

Ruby [00:31:32]:
Yeah. Yeah. Congratulations on being a co-author of a book. That's so exciting.

Maureen Benkovich [00:31:39]:
I know. You are too, and that was kind of a crazy opportunity. Like, the opportunities since not drinking are just unbelievable, and I'm taking them. You know? I also have a free weekend course, and it's drinkable by Monday because I was a binge drinker. And being a healthy person, I wouldn't drink during the week, but that weekend, man, would always throw me off. So if I can help people figure out a way to bridge from one week into the other by having a weekend without drinking and a and a way to do it and a guide to do it. That's what I put out there.

Ruby [00:32:12]:
That's great.

Susan [00:32:13]:
That's so great.

Ruby [00:32:15]:
Well, you wanna sign off today, Susan, with us? Do you

Susan [00:32:21]:
I've just been listening and just, again, I think Ruby and I have said this, like, 3 times that I'm just so glad we had you on the podcast. You're so well spoken.And you're gorgeous. 58 looks awesome on you, girl. I know. But I'm But you know, being beautiful. You all look good on, being alcohol free looks good on everybody. Right? It just improves everything.

Susan [00:32:46]:
And Yes. And I am just so so happy to have you here, and thank you so much for sharing your story so vulnerably. And, yes, you can, we're gonna put everything in places you can find Maureen in the show notes. So please go there, and if this is resonating with you, reach out to us, reach out to Maureen. We want to connect with you. That's what this is about, resourcing our listeners. So glad you were here. Yeah.

Ruby [00:33:16]:
Thank you.

Maureen Benkovich [00:33:16]:
And thank you for the opportunity to just to share this. Thank you.

Ruby [00:33:19]:
You're so welcome. Thank you, Maureen, and thank you to all the listeners. Keep listening.

Susan [00:33:24]:
Yes.

Ruby [00:33:25]:
Have a wonderful day and feel lit today.

Susan [00:33:28]:
Yeah. Right. Bye bye. Bye.

Thanks so much for listening to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast. Do you have a question you'd like us to answer on the show? All you need to do is head over to Apple Podcasts and do 2 simple things. Leave a rating and review telling us what you think of the show. And in that review, ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol free lifestyle. That's it. Then tune in to hear your question answered live. Don't forget to grab your copy of a wine free weekend at www.feellitpodcast.com
And remember, do something today that will help you feel lit. See you next time!