Susan [00:00:00]:
Sick and tired of your love-hate relationship with wine?
Ruby [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the feel it alcohol free podcast. Hi. I'm coach Ruby Williams.
Susan [00:00:09]:
And I'm coach Susan Larkin.
Ruby [00:00:11]:
We are 2 former wine lovers turned alcohol freedom coaches exposing the lies about alcohol
Susan [00:00:17]:
and giving you, our listeners, the tools to break free so you can feel lit. And when you're lit, you'll feel healthier, freer, and
Ruby [00:00:25]:
more in control of your life.
Susan [00:00:27]:
So relax, kick back, and get ready to feel lit alcohol free. And don't forget, grab a
Ruby [00:00:32]:
copy of our wine free weekend guide after the show. Hello. Hello. Coach Ruby and coach Susan here for another Feel lit alcohol free episode. We are so excited to talk about, hey, is alcohol fun? That's definitely a belief a lot of people have. Yeah. Yeah.
Ruby [00:00:51]:
So this is a question from one of our listeners. So I'm gonna go ahead and read it out. For the last decade, alcohol has been in and at everything good, bad, scary, fun, trauma, drama, you name it. So it's how I grew up. Every day was a happy hour. So one thing that is keeping me stuck on my alcohol free journey is the belief that life will somehow not be as fun or easy, easygoing or, you know, if I'm not drinking? So how can I overcome the belief that life without alcohol will lack the fun and ease that I've grown accustomed to during happy hours throughout my upbringing? Yeah. So that's such a good question.
Susan [00:01:35]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Ruby [00:01:36]:
Is is there another opinion too that
Susan [00:01:39]:
Yeah. Well, I mean, I hear that question. Like, I'm just used to happy hours, you know, and alcohol is, like, part of that fun. And how am I gonna ever believe that I could still have fun without it? And I think that, you know, it's through experiencing, you know, it's through experience. That's what I do with, you know, and experimenting. That's what I do with my clients. But then also around this fun thing, there's that, like, the life of the party person. But then there's also the question that I get from clients a lot, which is and we had this question too, which is kind of about the same thing.
Susan [00:02:14]:
So we wanted to put them together in this episode, which is that I'm quite a shy person and would rarely be the one in the room to start a conversation. I used to think of alcohol as a and enjoy myself. It made me funny, interesting, and approachable. It made me enjoy myself. It made me funny, interesting, and approachable. It made life fun. So here we are back to the fun question. And when you have that belief so this is a belief that is at the self level.
Susan [00:02:48]:
Right? It's not just about the substance. It's not just about society. A little bit about society because of societal norms but the first question, especially around societal norms, around happy hour and drinking at happy hour, and that the happy in happy hour is alcohol. Right?
Ruby [00:03:04]:
Yeah.
Susan [00:03:05]:
The fun in the happy hour is because of the alcohol, and that's sort of a cultural norm. But then in the second question, it was about it makes me fun, makes me funny. So it's more around the self, how this person perceives themselves, and how they're using alcohol as a social lubricant. Right? Right. And
Ruby [00:03:28]:
where does this and where does this even come from? You know? Right. The first question is that I came from happy hours growing up. And then where does it really come from? I'm here to talk about wine marketing and alcohol marketing. And the elephant in the room here is that what we see, not only from our parents and friends, but what we're seeing in movies, TV, ads, it's totally shaping our beliefs that it's fun. Right? You might see a marketing strategy where people are laughing, and they're successful, and they're having fun, and they're on dates, and it's romantic. And it's the subtle embedding ideas, that life's memorable moments require a drink in our hand. Like, it literally that's like and this portrayal is not accidental. It's actually a calculated effort to link alcohol with positive emotions.
Ruby [00:04:30]:
It tries to get right to your emotions. Right? And then it creates that new neural pathway really fast and, like, you know, fun and alcohol. They're now intertwined. Yeah. For instance, advertisements frequently show, like, groups of friends laughing, clinking glasses. Right? Toasting, suggesting that alcohol is just essential for social bonding, enjoyment, and it's even romanticized, you know, a symbol of sophistication. And let's do another example where, like a couple's enjoying a candlelit dinner with wine glasses in their hand, implying that it enhances romance. And I hear this from clients all the time, like, how am I supposed to celebrate my anniversary without a glass of champagne or wine? So it really gets so embedded.
Ruby [00:05:21]:
Or how about this one, like unwinding after work with a really high end, like a whiskey or something. And that means that you are successful and it's a luxury and you have succeeded. And it just really wine marketing exploits our desires, connection, love, success, all these emotions, and we start to think we need it for an idealized life.
Ruby [00:05:47]:
But I want to challenge this. I mean, I really, really challenge this. I'm going to give you one example, like a personal example. So I used to work in the wine industry, as you know and our listeners know. And I actually had to create an ad for Korbel champagne. And I created a tagline and really wanted to get, and, basically, it was you need a glass of champagne. And that was, like, the messaging.
Ruby [00:06:21]:
So you wanted to, like, every celebration had to start with a glass of champagne. So that's really powerful, and it works. It works. And then you'd have people, family members, maybe Thanksgiving or friends out or girlfriends' wine tasting. You just put lots of different groups of people together having fun. Right? But that's not the real deal. What's actually happening? Let's just say girls' wine tasting after 3 hours of drinking. There's cat fights.
Ruby [00:06:55]:
There's maybe throwing up. There it's not. You know? It cannot be as fun. Right? You show the beginning, but not the 3 hours later or whatever. So that's just one example. We're gonna talk more about wine marketing and marketing because I think this is such an interesting topic, but I wanna dive into the science. Do you wanna share about science, Susan?
Susan [00:07:16]:
Well, this is a science of fun. So okay. The Science of Fun by Catherine Price, who's a science journalist. And she's asked thousands of people across the world a question, and her answers, all the answers, led her to a new definition of true fun, which is a special confluence of playfulness, connection, and flow. So fun is a feeling, not an activity, and it can result from anything, even trivial things. Like, think about seeking out what gives you the feelings, if you wanna go through the science, of being playful, connected, and slow. And so if we want to, like you said, challenge this, we can take that definition, and we could put it against alcohol. Like, how does alcohol really help us be, let's say, connected? I noticed when this was you know, I totally have that belief, Ruby, and your marketing, Corbel did its number on me for sure.
Susan [00:08:20]:
Not you. I'm not blaming you, but I'm just saying, yeah, I totally believe that you needed champagne for every celebration. And so, yeah, here's at our anniversary. So I'm not drinking, but my husband did drink. And I remember just sitting there, and I remember just seeing, like, the shades come down. Mhmm. And all of a sudden, he likes that's how I describe it. It's like all of a sudden his eyes were, like, glazed over.
Susan [00:08:44]:
It's like he just pulled, like, these level lower blinds down over his true self.
Ruby [00:08:50]:
You know what I mean?
Susan [00:08:51]:
All of a sudden he wasn't there. He was kind of talking a little louder and saying the same things, and stuff he was saying wasn't really funny. And I was just sitting there going, we are not present. We are not connected anymore. Right? And, so is alcohol addiction. And so, you know, let's think about flow. Right? You know, I mean, when I've been in situations, like, in a bar or whatever, and everybody's drinking and then everybody's loud, it's like, do you feel like you're having, like, meaningful conversations? Is there a flow? It's usually, like, somebody butts in and as soon as, you know, you know I mean, really, when you think about flow, like, when you're in that state of flow, which just feels so good.
Ruby [00:09:33]:
And I cannot reach a state of flow when I'm drinking. I can't remember, you know, when I think back.
Susan [00:09:39]:
You're just numb.
Ruby [00:09:40]:
Yeah. It's numb. And I loved your example of, like, that, because that came to me too. It's like, yeah, like, you become a different person. Your personality changes. You might become sad or angry or it's definitely not fun. You think it's fun. Yeah.
Susan [00:09:57]:
Well, we've been conditioned to believe it's fun, so it's this belief. And like you said, it's supposed to hit our feelings. So our limbic brain, which doesn't have language to it. So it's just a feeling. Like so it's in that belief sense. And so we have to use and this is where you have to use the liminal process in order to reach those deep beliefs. And we do this through science, like new information and kind of challenging our beliefs, but also through experience. So if you go out and you have a good time, you start to notice, oh, I am actually having fun, and I'm not drinking.
Susan [00:10:38]:
And so you start to have that experience and start to change those deep seated beliefs. You start to think critically. You know, we don't learn that in our childhood. We just watch TV. We watch commercials and believe everything we are told in these commercials. Right? We don't think critically, like, oh, You know? Or and like you said, they don't show, you know, the person's throwing up in the gutter and somebody holding their hair. Like, here you are. That's connected.
Susan [00:11:08]:
Oh, my girlfriend's holding my hair. We're so connected. You know what I mean? Like, that was me when I would drink because I just didn't have a very high tolerance, and then I also didn't have an off switch. So once I had a little, I would just keep drinking until I got to the point well, as I got older, I had a higher tolerance. But when I was young, when you would look at me in my twenties, I was the girl barfing in the gutter. Yeah. You know? Because I just you know? Yeah. They get to bring out the yellow shots and then forget it.
Ruby [00:11:38]:
Yeah. But if we go back to I just what I would love to talk about too is that we are allowed to change our beliefs around what is fun. And I do think as we age, we might think whatever we thought was fun in our twenties is what we think we should feel is fun in our, like, forties or fifties or sixties. But we are allowed like, when I asked my son like, here's an example. I asked him, so what's fun? You know, when he was 21, I remember. And he's, like, going fast and doing all these, you know, fast, fast, and doing this and, you know, extreme sports. And I was like, yeah. I think I used to think that too in my twenties.
Ruby [00:12:19]:
But what's fun now? I mean, connecting with friends, maybe playing games, being in my garden. I mean, all the things we talk about, feeling lit, yeah, are Yeah. Actually fun because I get into that playfulness, flow. And what was the third thing? You said playfulness, flow, and there were 3 things.
Susan [00:12:38]:
Connection.
Ruby [00:12:39]:
In connection. I mean, you can connect to yourself. You can connect to nature. You can connect to others. And honestly, alcohol was not doing that for me. So it's it's so to answer the question, we do this liminal process, just like Susan was saying, and you start to change the definition of fun, really. You change your beliefs around what is alcohol adding to the fun or taking it away? You know?
Susan [00:13:10]:
Yeah. Yeah. And the more experiences you have, the more aware of this fun. And so you are using the examples of, like, your twenties. I would even go back to even your childhood, like, 5 to 12 years old. Like, what did you do for fun then? Like, I used to love reading. I just read so much. I read every single Nancy Drew book.
Susan [00:13:32]:
Me and my cousin had, like, a competition. And I loved reading. I loved drawing, and I haven't even really explored drawing. I used to love drawing, like, home plans. Maybe I should have been, like, an architect or something. Also, I really wanted my own room. I shared a room with my sister, so I was always trying to redesign our house where I could have my own room. But, you know, like, just using your imagination, I got into acting and singing.
Susan [00:13:59]:
And so those were really fun things for me. And so what I love is when I see clients start to look at fun in a different way and, like, all of a sudden join a theater group. I have a client that's, like, now doing plays and started out, like, just in the, you know, in the chorus or just he's a small part and now has a bigger part in a Shakespeare play, which is amazing. That's amazing. I know. Or starting to play the ukulele or an instrument going, oh, I used to play guitar, but now or piano or just those things. So It brings true joy.
Ruby [00:14:38]:
Yeah. So, Susan, that is a question for our listeners right now. I would love for you to just do what you used to do? And I like your age rate of, like, 5 to 12. Like, what was it? And maybe it's something you just completely forgot, especially if you started drinking, drinking, let's say, in high school or you might have just completely forgotten what you really love to do. And this isn't I mean, it's really fun with clients to yes. I have clients that joined choral groups, started knitting, and did all kinds of sports. You know, whatever. You name it.
Ruby [00:15:08]:
They're out there exercising or doing fun sports or joining women's groups, doing things, stepping outside of their comfort zone. So there's so many things. Yes.
Susan [00:15:19]:
Drumming. Those drumming circles. Circles. Like, there's so many fun things, hiking. The thing is, and this is a big problem also in our culture, is that wine, alcohol has just infused everything. Yes. It's like now you go to yoga, and it's what yoga and wine are connected to each other. And I'm just like, what?
Susan [00:15:41]:
Painting and wine.
Ruby [00:15:42]:
And wine. Exactly. Or you even do something like run a marathon, and then it's like a big drink fest after, which to me is just like, what?
Susan [00:15:52]:
Crazy because you're dehydrated. Well, so that's so back to the first question, though, because there's a and both of them, actually. But the first one is, like this idea of how am I gonna celebrate my anniversary without champagne or, you know, champagne with everything. Every celebration needs champagne, needs a toast. How do we start to question that belief? How do we and because in the beginning, it really is a true thing to you. So it's hard to get your head around and go, oh, no. That's not true. So how we do this is through a thought turnaround and latter thoughts.
Susan [00:16:27]:
Yes. Right? When we work with clients, we say, well, you know, are you willing to start to like you said, let's challenge this. So we look at some of the science. We look at this. So you're willing to think about it in a different way? And then the latter thought because most of the time, we can't turn this around, you know, all away. Like, oh, I don't think alcohol is fun anymore. This is where experiential learning comes in, if you're willing to experiment. I'm willing to see if still going out to a happy hour is fun.
Susan [00:16:58]:
Like, what is a happy hour to me? Like, reconfiguring what is, quote, unquote, happy hour. And for the second listen for the second listener's question, I would, as a coach, recommend some other tools that you can use to regulate your nervous system before going out into a social situation where you can feel calm, you can feel your authentic self and experiment with that. So then that turnaround thought might be like, I'm willing to try these other tools versus using alcohol as the tool to calm my nervous system before going
Ruby [00:17:39]:
out. With social anxiety. Yeah.
Susan [00:17:41]:
With social anxiety. Yeah. Yeah. And I have a great tool for social anxiety. So Is
Ruby [00:17:47]:
this the one we're going to do
Susan [00:17:49]:
for that? Feel Lit. So Well,
Ruby [00:17:50]:
This could be a good segue way. Yeah.
Susan [00:17:52]:
Oh, well, so yeah. So the 2 the 2 tools that we would use is a thought turnaround. So you'd say, you know, I'm willing to oh, there we go. I'm willing to explore. I'm willing to explore. I'm willing to experiment. That experimental mindset, that curiosity, and then try and then try some other tools and then come back and go, oh, okay.
Susan [00:18:18]:
Yeah. How was that? And then and how was it? What did I notice? Mhmm. That's what I love to ask, like, well, what did you notice when I went out? Oh, well, so, like, nothing's gonna be all one thing. So I noticed when I went out, you know, let's say the first example. I noticed that I went out, you know, once that there wasn't a connection. I did notice that. You know, once everyone was drinking, I noticed I really wasn't connecting with them. And so if you're not connecting with them when they're drinking and you're not drinking, then how are you ever connecting with them when you are drinking? Like Right.
Susan [00:18:49]:
Then it's 2 peep then it's 2 people
Ruby [00:18:50]:
with the shades down. Right?
Susan [00:18:52]:
So, you know, and then maybe you go, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And then for the second one, it's like I'm willing to experiment with some tools to help with social anxiety. And, so one of the tools, and this is what I have been experimenting with myself, That is my feel lit tool for today. So it's kind of a 2 fer here.
Ruby [00:19:14]:
I'm so excited to learn about this.
Susan [00:19:16]:
So Yeah. Is Old Havening. And it's a very interesting technique. You can Google it, and we can put a link to a YouTube video that'll kinda show you how to do it, but I'm gonna I can demonstrate those are our feeling senses. Though, that's the part of our brain, those are our feeling senses. Though, that's the part of our brain that is, feeling like it needs something when we go out. It's feeling dysregulated, and we were using alcohol to regulate. So you would want to get that back to safety.
Susan [00:19:56]:
So then you can engage your prefrontal cortex and go, oh, okay. Yeah. I don't really wanna drink. Right? So I'm experimenting with not drinking in this social situation. So the havening is basically kind of like, I have my arms crossed over, my hands on my shoulders. It's like giving yourself a little hug. Okay. And you stroke from your shoulder down to your elbows, and you just sort of take a moment.
Susan [00:20:22]:
And you just breathe, and you stroke. And so almost like you would be soothing a a young child, you know, like, when they're upset. You don't start yelling at them. So if you're feeling upset before going out, this is what you, you know, are just dysregulated or a little bit nervous, a little social anxiety. Like, yelling at yourself and going, ma, what's wrong with me? You know? Isn't really gonna help. Right? So you wanna soothe yourself. But so one of the moves is from your shoulders to your elbows. Another one is just rubbing your palms together and just feeling the sensations of rubbing your palms, and you can kind of move through these differences.
Susan [00:21:03]:
And the other one, which there's 2 more. One of them is across your forehead and down your face And across your forehead, it feels so good. And then, we can move through that and just see how it makes you feel. And then the other one is almost as if you're wiping a tear away. So it's under your eyes and off to the side, like you're wiping tears away. And similar to tapping in that, you're just sort of connecting with your body. You're connecting and you're soothing. A lot of people really like the one from your shoulders to your elbows, and some people really like the palms.
Susan [00:21:45]:
What's great is the palm one, especially, if you're sitting at a table and you start to feel dysregulated, you can just sorta start rubbing your palms together to just sort of soothe your nervous system. Go to the ladies' room, do the whole thing, do a little routine. You can do there's a 5 minute video that we can, put in the show notes as a resource to just sort of teach you this. Like, just doing this for this few moments, I feel
Ruby [00:22:14]:
much I do. I feel calmer. I love this. Amazing?
Susan [00:22:18]:
Haven. Yeah. Havening.
Ruby [00:22:20]:
And were your eyes closed? Or, I guess, you, I have the clothing.
Susan [00:22:24]:
Can keep them open. Yeah. You can keep them open. Yeah. So just do that before you go. And then just seeing like, once you get a mocktail in hand, and that's one of our techniques that we've talked about in social situations, and then you start to start, you know, socializing. Also for the shy person, you know, maybe that's not fun for you. You know what I mean? Like, you're not a big group person.
Susan [00:22:53]:
Yeah. I'm really not an extrovert, but I'm not a big group person. I don't like I'm because I like that connection, and I feel like in big groups, you just sort of have this
Ruby [00:23:02]:
little
Susan [00:23:02]:
small talk thing.
Ruby [00:23:04]:
Get curious and, like, redo like I said, redefine what's fun. Redefine what's comfortable instead of just doing and being this person who you were drinking, you get to Yeah. Figure out who you really are, alcohol free, which is so, so, so cool.
Susan [00:23:20]:
Your authentic self.
Ruby [00:23:22]:
You're your authentic self.
Susan [00:23:22]:
And that authentic self is fun and funny just the way you are. And that's how I am in a smaller group. I'm usually fun and funny, but in a bigger group, I just get anxious too. I don't really love big group activities. Yeah. This came up too with this somebody that I was working with where they were like, well, alcohol, let's be, you know, just sit around the campfire and drink for 6 hours. And I'm like, is that really fun?
Ruby [00:23:46]:
Is that fun?
Susan [00:23:47]:
Like, if it's not and she's like, well, well, it helps me just so it's like it numbs you to be able to do this activity, but is the activity even fun? Do you even wanna do that? I'm like, do you wanna sit around the campfire for 6 hours? And it's like, no. You know? So it's just like, well, then just don't do it. You know what I mean? If it's not fun for you. So, like, yeah. Like, we get to also decide what's fun for us and then choose to do that activity or not choose to do it. Like, you can start having boundaries and go, that's not fun. I don't wanna do that.
Ruby [00:24:19]:
Exactly. Do it. So Yeah. This was such a jam packed episode with tools and real clear ways, I think, to help redefine fun. Yeah. And to rediscover yourself, maybe go back to your childhood like we talked, and what you used to like to do, or what's on your bucket list for the future. And Mhmm. Yeah.
Ruby [00:24:42]:
I think, like I said, what you think is fun in your twenties can be totally different from what you think is fun in your fifties because that was my example with my son and I. So Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for introducing me and the listeners to Havening. It's I felt way calmer just doing that with you. Yeah.
Susan [00:25:00]:
Great. Great. Well, I mean, this is a big conversation. We can have it again and again. Like, because Yeah. Like I said, it's an experiential process. So
Ruby [00:25:08]:
Okay. Yeah. Well Love to hear from people. Keep the questions coming. Thank you so much. Thanks so much for listening to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast. Do you have a question you'd like us to answer on the show?
Susan [00:25:19]:
All you need to do is head over to Apple Podcasts and do 2 simple things. Leave a rating and review telling us what you think of the show. And in that review, ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol free lifestyle. That's it. Then tune in to hear your question answered live.
Ruby [00:25:39]:
Don't forget to grab your copy of a wine free weekend at www.feellitpodcast.com
Susan [00:25:45]:
And remember, do something today that will help you feel lit. See you next time.
