Ruby [00:00:32]:
Hi there. Welcome to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast, and let's get straight into today's question. A listener wrote in, and she's 31 days alcohol free. Yay!
Ruby [00:01:01]:
“So I’m 31 Days AF today and that's the longest streak I've ever had in months. And today's the first real struggle I've had with the wine witch showing up all day. There are days when I feel great and it's easy, and then there are days like today where it's a real struggle. I just want the struggle to be over. I feel like the fading affect bias gets me every time. The longer I go, the more I think a drink seems fine. I know it's not, but the brain is not accepting that answer.” So this is such a great question and involves, like, fading affect bias and cognitive dissonance. And, Susan, do you want to tackle this first?
Susan [00:01:27]:
Sure. Well, I think first we should define what fading affect bias is for our listeners. So fading affect bias is the tendency for unpleasant emotions to fade more over time than pleasant emotions. And that's actually a positive thing, for instance, like, in childbirth. Right? And it is a self protective measure. Our brains unconsciously let go of the intensity of negative emotions so that we can preserve our brain space and our energy. But in our alcohol journey, it cannot cause us to forget the negative impact that alcohol had on our lives, and then those thoughts of drinking start up again. And so being aware of this concept of fading affect bias can help us prepare for this to happen if it happens usually in the first three months.
Susan [00:02:20]:
So this listener is right there in the 31 days. So if you find yourself longing for those good old days, you can compassionately keep in mind all of the ways that alcohol was negatively affecting your life and the reasons that you decided to stop drinking versus only looking at the negative. But how about you, Ruby? What do you think about that? The fading effect? Yeah.
Ruby [00:02:52]:
Well, you mentioned, pregnancy really quick, and I want to explain that. When you're going through labor, you're like, I'm never going to have a baby again. Yeah. I remember actually probably screaming those words “I'm never gonna have a baby again”. And then you see your baby and you fall in love. And a year later, you're like, Well, I think I could do that again. So that's what so but, yeah, this happens with alcohol too.
Ruby [00:03:16]:
And, I have some tools and tactics I'm gonna share a little bit later in the episode. But, yeah, it's just I hear this all the time. And it's also about a kind of cognitive dissonance. It's that tug of war in your brain, you know, when you're torn between what you believe or like the conscious and then kind of the subconscious and what you end up doing isn't what you necessarily want to do. So those kinda go together. Yeah. Cognitive dissonance is kind of like that mental stress. You might even call it the wine witch.
Ruby [00:03:51]:
Some people call it that. We're now more talking about kinder, but that battle, like, it's that mental itch we have to scratch. It feels like for me, it was like, I'm not gonna drink. I'm not gonna drink. And why am I going and putting my hand on a bottle, like, to have wine, you know. And then saying, I I told myself I wasn't gonna drink. I don't wanna drink. And then you pour the glass.
Ruby [00:04:20]:
And it just and it's this battle, like, don't do it. But I wanna do it or I'm going to do it. And then you all then for me, it was almost like a little, like, f it button or that, you know, I'm just gonna do it kinda decision kicks in, and it's based on, like, habit and kind of like you're tired. You're tired of that battle in the head. And so a lot of times, you just kinda give in. So Yeah. Yeah. So that's the cognitive dissonance piece.
Ruby [00:04:47]:
Mhmm.
Susan [00:04:47]:
Yeah. And that is oh, I love what you said there, Ruby, about the f it button because we push the f it button because of that battle in our brain. And so, you know, if you can kind of let go of 1 of the ropes in the like, imagine a tug of war. If you're playing tug of war and you let go of 1 of the ropes, like, there's no tug of war anymore. The other person just falls down. And so it's like you wanna let go of that rope. You want to stop that fight in your brain because it's that fight in your brain that causes you to wanna push the f it button and just drink. Right? And I know in my experience around fading affect bias, I just had to keep reminding myself, and I used to kind of play it forward.
Susan [00:05:32]:
Like, my brain would go, oh, you could just have one. You weren't that bad. You know? And then I would go, is that true? I would just question the thought. Is that true? Is it just gonna be 1? It was never 1. Never. So it's like, no. It's not gonna just be 1. And even when my husband would sometimes go, I kinda miss, like, that longing for the good old days.
Susan [00:05:56]:
Right? I kinda miss sitting out on the deck and having wine in the sunshine. And I'm like, well, did you miss what Susan came out after I'd had too much wine? And he's like, no. So I had yeah. No. And so just reminding yourself of those little things. Like, I even had to remind him because I could've let that draw me in, right, to the good old days. Yeah. It was so fun sitting on the deck.
Susan [00:06:21]:
And it's like, guess what? We can sit on the deck in the sunshine and be together and have a great time, and I just don't have ethanol in my glass.
Ruby [00:06:31]:
Like, keep
Susan [00:06:31]:
the ritual, ditch the alcohol. So, sometimes, even what we're romanticizing or what we're, you know, you know, the good old days, you can still have all of that. You just don't have alcohol. Alcohol doesn't add anything to those events and things that you're pining over.
Ruby [00:06:50]:
Mhmm.
Susan [00:06:50]:
So that is kind of what I did in order to help me get over the hump of that fading affect bias when those thoughts would come up.
Ruby [00:07:01]:
Yeah. So I'll go right into my kind of tactic that I do with clients around fading affect bias. And I call it the impact art tactic. It's actually about art. I love art. I'm very visual. For me, I think this is such a good tool because you wanna tap into your subconscious, and you can do that with journaling or artwork. A lot of times, you can really get in there.
Ruby [00:07:27]:
So to stave off fading affect bias or romanticizing, like, you said it. Like romanticizing the alcohol. And so you I actually want you to bring up an image of what alcohol looked like in your life when it was the worst. You know?
Susan [00:07:45]:
The worst time. You know?
Ruby [00:07:48]:
Maybe it's that middle of the night when you're laying there in bed or maybe it's the next morning when you feel terrible. You actually draw what alcohol looks like in like that last maybe for me, it was like I drew a picture of what it looked like in my last year of drinking. And it just felt like the wine glass could never be big enough. I was chained to it. I felt isolated. My life was getting smaller and smaller. I was unhappy. So now, instead of romanticizing, like, a beautiful glass of wine, I could bring up this picture, this drawing because you tapped into your subconscious.
Ruby [00:08:28]:
So instead of, like, bringing up a beautiful, like, glass of wine, you could bring up this image. And another thing that made me think about it because someone just posted this. There's this, like, YouTube video going around where it starts out at a bar where people are drinking. So fun, but it goes all the way to the end
Susan [00:08:47]:
of the night when maybe people are falling
Ruby [00:08:50]:
over, maybe vomiting, passing out, fighting. Like, all of that is what you really like, you mentioned maybe fighting or becoming, you know, the mean Susan or something. So the reality is this fading affect bias is just looking at the good times. Right? And not the actuality is that you might pass out or do something you regret. Yeah. Yeah. So that
Susan [00:09:14]:
I love that tool and I'm so excited to hear about that. What is it called again? Impact art? Oh, I just really wanna try that. I think I've seen the picture of you because you shared it on some of our group coaching groups with you. And you're sitting there, and you have the chain, and you're tiny, and the glass of wine is huge. And there's, like, this chain to you and the glass of wine. So powerful. So powerful, Ruby.
Ruby [00:09:41]:
And it means that one glass is never one glass. I needed a bottle and then a second bottle. It just kept growing. The glass literally could never be big enough until I passed it. So I will post a picture in our Facebook community group, you know, when this episode airs. Yeah.
Susan [00:09:57]:
Yeah. Yeah. That's so great. Well, for me, I think I remember Miami. I think my husband and this also goes to, like, vacationing and thinking that you're gonna drink on vacation too. Like, it'll be okay. You know? Right. We just had too many drinks.
Susan [00:10:14]:
You know, we started off and it's fine. It's wine at this cute little cafe, and then it's wine with dinner. And then it's a or maybe it was a martini to start with, and then wine, and then wine more. And we got in the biggest fight. And I just, like, walked down the street of, like, Miami by myself saying f you and walked away. I didn't even know where I was going, like, totally dangerous. And then the next morning, we were going on a cruise, and I will find this picture and post it. There's a picture of me and I. We had a balcony room and I'm, like, sitting over the balcony and I look like garbage, and I felt like garbage.
Susan [00:10:53]:
I looked so bad. I was so hungover and just felt like crap. And this is how I'm starting this, you know, Caribbean cruise vacation, just feeling so awful. And, yeah. So it's so sometimes just, like, a thought, like, Joe, come up with your story or your, you know, your picture and remembering that, keeping that you know, I just say, remember Miami. Remember Miami. Yeah. That's a great idea.
Susan [00:11:19]:
To my brain. Mhmm. Yeah. It's a cue to my brain to go, yeah. I don't wanna do that anymore. And then I tap into my want power, which is I don't want that life anymore, and I already know how amazing. And, you know, the listener that wrote this question was like, I know this isn't true. I know my life is so much better without alcohol.
Susan [00:11:39]:
Why do I still come back to these thoughts? It's like reminding yourself also not just about the bad, but about the good, about how amazing your life is without alcohol. Like, focusing on that, I think Yes. Is, is what I would also recommend because I like that's why I always do what I call play it forward 2 x. I like to play it forward with what will happen if I do drink. Like, Susan, is it really gonna be 1? No. It's gonna be 3. You're gonna wake up in the morning and feel like crapple and be really mad at yourself and hate yourself. The end.
Susan [00:12:11]:
Right? And then who wants to sit there in that? Right? Then I think I will play it forward 2 x the second time, and I think, well, how will I feel if I don't drink? Right. I'm gonna feel amazing. I'm gonna feel, like, a badass. I'm gonna feel so good that I didn't give in, and I'm gonna wake up in the morning and feel great about myself. And so I like to end on the good because then you're walking away going, yeah. I don't wanna drink because I'm gonna feel amazing, and I'm a badass. You know? Yeah. And, yeah, I really love to do that.
Ruby [00:12:44]:
I agree that if we wanna focus on the positives, you know, on this journey. But for the fading affect bias to bring up because that's when you're, like, romanticizing. I it's just a tool. Yeah. And you could have even, you know, drawn that Miami picture. Right? So that you could just bring it up. Like, I I really like I said, I'm a visual person. If you know you're a visual person, then this will work for you.
Ruby [00:13:09]:
But maybe other people, it's better to journal or do something else. But I wanna go back to her question because if we go back to this wine witch and the, you know, the thought, right, or the the belief, there's an underlying belief there in your subconscious that maybe you're missing out. You know, that wine is delicious or beautiful or that kind of thing. Yeah. Look at listening to your language and what, like, actual words are coming, you know, coming in and thoughts. Because if you still believe wine is beautiful, then, yeah, you might still keep having this cognitive dissonance around wanting wine. So this is the kind of thing that Susan and I would work with with our clients, like, really digging into those beliefs and romanticizing wine to, like, turn it around. We call it turnarounds and turn it around or challenge those thoughts. So yeah.
Ruby [00:14:10]:
Did you have a tactic that you wanted to share around this?
Susan [00:14:14]:
I well, I kinda shared it when I said I asked myself, is it true? That's the question that we ask yourself when we're doing that thought work. And I call this being the boss of your brain. This idea of you don't have to believe everything you think. So if you you start thinking that wine is, you know, romanticizing wine, you can go, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Is that true? And, like, get into this practice of questioning your thoughts. And this is for a control freak like me, this was I just had this realization when I was starting to learn this stuff. Like, one day, I remember clearly where I was.
Susan [00:14:50]:
I was driving on the 95 coming home from a friend's house. And all of a sudden, I was listening and learning more about this idea of questioning your thoughts and doing acts or doing turnarounds of thought. And all of a sudden, I had this realization. I'm the boss of my brain. I actually can control what I think or I can question it. I don't have to believe everything I think. And it was just a realization, like, nobody really teaches you these things, right, in life. You just go around thinking that everything you think is true and, you know, and that you don't have to question, you know, question these thoughts.
Susan [00:15:26]:
So that's really what, you know, the question, is it true? So I started going around doing that with everything. Is it true that alcohol is, you know, romantic for me? You know? I also had that experience, and I think I've shared this though, where it can be true but not true for me. Okay? I can look out and I can see. This was my trip to New York with my daughter. This was about 9 months into my journey, and we went out to dinner. And you see all these glittering wine glasses and all the beautiful twinkle lights, and it's this, you know, New York, atmosphere restaurant. And I and I looked at them all and went, oh, yeah. This is beautiful, and I, but I don't drink.
Susan [00:16:12]:
And I likened it. The thought that came to me was it's like smelling it's like a vegetarian smelling a hamburger and saying, oh, that smells good, but I don't eat meat. And I have reasons why I don't eat meat. I have convictions. And it's like, oh, that wine looks beautiful, and it's a beautiful atmosphere, but I don't drink. And I have reasons I don't drink, and I have convictions and reasons why I don't drink. And so you don't have to fight with your brain to vilify alcohol because your brain is gonna have trouble believing that this is true if you're looking out and it does look romantic. Right?
Ruby [00:16:49]:
So Yeah.
Susan [00:16:49]:
Rather than fight that thought, it can be, yeah, that looks romantic, but it's not romantic for me. Because remember, Miami, I'm gonna end up, you know, saying f you and walking down the street and having a hangover the next day. So it's not true for me. You know?
Ruby [00:17:04]:
So both and. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And I wanna share a realization that I had. You talked about it just, like, you had this realization that you can be the boss of your brain around your thoughts. I had a realization that I could be the boss of my brain around feelings or the boss of my heart. Like, I always thought feelings, you know, they just happen to you, right, when I was drinking. But now I realized that I have more control over my feelings or I can do things like staying above 50%, you know, where you bump up your feelings.
Ruby [00:17:40]:
So we do have love this. We have the ability to be the boss of our brains and our feelings. And not just willy-nilly, you know, let the thoughts take over or the feelings take over. Because it all and then the behavior, right, takes over. So we can do these things where we're questioning our thoughts, questioning our feelings, and we don't have to act on the thoughts and feelings. We just don't. Yeah. They're just coming.
Ruby [00:18:09]:
Yeah. Our feelings are coming and they're temporary. Our thoughts are coming and automatic and they're temporary. And we can step back with curiosity. I love that you said that like, and do we really need to do this? No. It's just a thought. Just a feeling. Yeah.
Susan [00:18:25]:
Yeah. It's just a thought. I love that. And then it's a thought that I can question. And when you start to question it, you get your prefrontal cortex, your thinking brain involved, and you're not just running on automatic pilot of your subconscious brain that goes, you know, and you're dropping the rope. You're dropping the tug of war. You're just kind of like, you're not like, I want a drink. No, you don't.
Susan [00:18:44]:
I want a drink.
Ruby [00:18:45]:
No, you don't.
Susan [00:18:46]:
Yeah. The tug of war, you're going I had this thought, not battling it. You're like, What's going on with this thought? Is it true? Is it something I really wanna act on? Like, you just get this sense of agency and control back in your life. Yes. That is one of the biggest benefits of the alcohol free journey, I think, is just getting that power of choice back.
Ruby [00:19:12]:
Love it. Yeah. So I wanna segue into Okay. The question we ask at the end of every episode. So, Susan, what are you doing to feel it these days?
Susan [00:19:29]:
Oh my goodness. So, I really have been battling lately a lower mood set point. I have a lot going on. I've had some anxious thoughts and I'm really working through those. And just so I have actually been doing this practice called savoring, which is where you just try to consciously find joy in the everyday moments and savor them. So, for example, I mean, I could just get so into tunnel vision and I'm eating, and I just don't even like it, it's gone. And I'm like, where did that food go? It's just gone because I'm, like, eating and working at the same time. Right? And then all of a sudden, I didn't enjoy it or just anything, taking a shower. So taking a moment just taking a moment to just feel the hot water on my back and on my and enjoy just the luxury of the steam and maybe even have one of those shower steamers with so or an aromatherapy, which is some sense that just brighten my mood, savoring my morning coffee, just taking that moment to just go, gosh, it smells good smelling it, tasting that first sip, feeling the warmth of the mug on my hands, and and even having gratitude, bringing gratitude into that for this delicious coffee, gratitude for hot water in my shower, savoring the first few bites or all of the bites of your meal.
Susan [00:20:58]:
It's supposed to be really good for your digestion to eat slower, not hose down your food like I do, you know, to just take a moment and go, oh, just to taste the flavors, to go for a walk and not have a podcast on or not be listening even to music, but to just walk and look at the trees and look at the leaves and look at the flowers. And so that is savoring, and I have actually been doing that lately just to and it makes a difference even just talking about it has brightened my mood. Because life is beautiful, and there's so many beautiful things in every moment that we just sort of fly by on, you know, 90 miles per hour as we're going through our day. Like, I can look out my window right now and there's beautiful daffodils out there that I love, this gorgeous little pop of yellow. And instead of just going, oh, yeah, flowers, I could go, oh my gosh. Look at that beautiful pop of yellow. I love daffodils, and I'm so happy I planted those there. And they just bring me joy and just allow myself to feel that joy.
Susan [00:22:02]:
So I love this practice, savoring.
Ruby [00:22:06]:
So it's like Thank you for bringing up versions of the same thing over and over again because it's so true. It's noticing either the beauty or or your senses. Right? What you're smelling or hearing or seeing. So I yeah. I love
Susan [00:22:19]:
I also have those shower bursts.
Ruby [00:22:22]:
So those are so fun. You put in a little shower burst, and it's got that aromatherapy in your shower. So that but savoring. Thank you for bringing back different things. And I think you're doing some of the things I do. I don't know about the shower yet, but The cold shower.
Susan [00:22:44]:
Cold shower? No. No? No. I wanna try impact art. I really wanna try the impact art. I'm not a great drawer, but I do maybe even do creative storytelling because I used to be somewhat of a little bit of a creative writer. I'm trying to think of how I might incorporate that. I really love that idea.
Ruby [00:23:03]:
Yeah. And the art could be painting, drawing, music, writing, you know, a collage. Whatever you wanna do. Mine was stick figures. Okay? So I'm not like that, yeah. Well, this has been such a great episode. Thank you so much for listening, everyone. And please feel free to join our Facebook group.
Ruby [00:23:25]:
It's a community and we have people that just celebrated, you know, milestones in our community and
Susan [00:23:31]:
Yeah.
Ruby [00:23:31]:
So okay.
Susan [00:23:32]:
I'd love for people to even comment in our Facebook group or anywhere on our Instagram or anything. If they've tried some of our Feel Lit suggestions or even some of the tactics, like, every episode has a tactic, some of these things and what you think, and what is your experience, and what is your take on it? Because we individualize these things. Right? We take them and make them our own. And oh, I'd love to see some impact art that people may try. You know? I'll share mine.
Ruby [00:24:09]:
I'll share mine, and then people can maybe post their pictures or ideas underneath it. That'd be awesome. Yeah.
Susan [00:24:16]:
I might write a poem. Maybe I'll try.
Ruby [00:24:19]:
Alright. Bye bye, everyone.
Susan [00:24:21]:
Okay. Yeah. Thank you so much for joining us today, and we look forward to the next time. Bye bye. Okay.
Ruby [00:24:27]:
Bye bye. Thanks so much for listening to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast. Do you have a question you'd like us to answer on the show?
Susan [00:24:34]:
All you need to do is head over to Apple Podcasts and do two simple things. Leave a rating and review telling us what you think of the show. And in that review, ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol free lifestyle. That's it. Then tune in to hear your question answered live. Don't forget to grab your copy
Ruby [00:24:55]:
of a wine free weekend at www.feelitpodcast.com.
Susan [00:25:01]:
And remember, do something today that will help you feel lit. See you next time.
