Unwind Without Wine: Coping with Evening Stress and Anxiety/ Ep. 014

In this episode of the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast, hosts Coach Ruby Williams and Coach Susan Larkin dive deep into the topic of coping with anxiety in the evening without alcohol answering a listener’s question:  “I’m now back at a new job that is out of my comfort zone but exactly what I wanted. I am really working to continue to stay present with my family. What do you do now to cope with the anxiety in the evening without having a drink?”

From setting feeling intentions for the day to finding creative ways to stay connected to family, Ruby and Susan provide a wealth of strategies that have helped them navigate through stress and anxiety without reaching for a drink. Join them as they explore different tactics, engage with the audience's questions, and offer their wisdom on living a fulfilling alcohol-free lifestyle. Tune in for an empowering and enlightening conversation that aims to inspire and guide anyone seeking to feel lit alcohol free.

Keywords: wine, alcohol, alcohol freedom, anxiety, stress, coping mechanism, mental health, family, self-care, self-compassion, tactics, strategies, self-awareness, self-reflection, mindfulness, intention setting, daily intention,  stress cycle, relaxation techniques, deep breathing, movement, exercise, habits, gratitude, compassion, resilience, support community, coaching, emotional well-being

Timestamp
00:00 Using alcohol to cope with stress and anxiety.

05:58 Realizing alcohol freedom reduces stress, anxiety, and depression.

09:00 Use exercise and family time for stress relief.

10:53 Encouragement to join the Feel Lit podcast Facebook group.

13:21 Check in with emotions to reduce anxiety.

19:40 Focusing on self-care and kindness to myself.

21:50 Try new tools, practice, and commit

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, and ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol-free lifestyle. Your question could be the highlight of a future episode!

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https://feellitpodcast.com/Guide

Watch Episode on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@FeelLitAlcoholFreePodcast/videos

Websites:
Susan Larkin Coaching https://www.susanlarkincoaching.com/
Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Susan: @drinklesswithsusan
Follow Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching

It is strongly recommended that you seek professional advice regarding your health before attempting to take a break from alcohol. The creators, hosts, and producers of the The Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast are not healthcare practitioners and therefore do not give medical, or psychological advice nor do they intend for the podcast, any resource or communication on behalf of the podcast or otherwise to be a substitute for such.

Transcript

Ruby [00:00:32]:

And don't forget, grab a copy of our wine free weekend guide after the show. Hi, Susan. Hi, everyone. All of our listeners. You know, stress was my main reason for drinking. Stress and anxiety. And,I know you relate too.

Ruby [00:00:51]:

So Let's kick things off with our first question. And this came from a podcast review, so cool, from Goody 2 Shoes. I'll just read out the question. It's such a good question. So now I'm back at a new job that is out of my comfort zone, and it's exactly what I wanted though. I'm really working to continue to stay present with my family. But what do you do now to cope with the anxiety in the evening without a drink? Yeah. That was me. What do you think, Susan?

Susan [00:01:23]:

Yeah. Me too. Oh my gosh. That was my main coping mechanism, using alcohol as a coping mechanism, and how I sort of started slipping down, as we say, the pitcher plant faster and faster is when I started using alcohol to cope with anxiety and the end of the day stress after my really stressful job. I can totally relate to this. The job was out of my comfort zone, but something that I also wanted. And, but I kind of just got into this mindset of, like, oh, coffee in the morning, wine in the evening, and got into that habit of closing my day, getting home. Same.

Susan [00:02:04]:

And, also, when she's saying she wants to be present with her family, I kind of used alcohol as that transition. It's like, you know, to get to de stress to then be able to be with my family, to have dinner with the kids, to cook dinner, you know, to go from my one job to the next job, which is being a mom. Right? And just so hard, but the thing that really turned things around for me, like, she says, what do you do now to cope with the anxiety in the evening? Was just really, again, learning the science behind the fact that alcohol does not help with anxiety. In fact, we know, there's lots of posts on Instagram and stuff like that that say, you know, drinking for anxiety is like pouring alcohol on a fire. It actually creates anxiety in your body. I mean, momentarily, the first 20 minutes, alcohol is a depressant, and so it does numb your brain and numb, like, your you're, whole system. So it does feel like it brings down the anxiety. But then, because alcohol is also a stimulant, it stimulates your body, and cortisol and adrenaline are poured in to counteract the downness from downness.

Susan [00:03:26]:

That's a scientific term. The downness that you get from alcohol. So when it depresses you, your body, to maintain homeostasis, starts pouring in the chemicals to actually bring you out of that depressant. And those chemicals, again, are cortisol and adrenaline. I think we all know how we feel when we have adrenaline. Right? And that is what then creates things like what I would say: hangxiety when you wake up the next morning and you just feel more anxious. So we get into this drink cycle on a daily basis where actually our drinking for anxiety is actually to relieve the anxiety that is being caused by drinking. And so it's just like insanity.

Susan [00:04:10]:

Oh my gosh. It just helped me to be able to make a different choice and just go, I'm not going to choose to drink to deal with my end of the day anxiety. And so she's saying, What do you do? So we can go into some of our tactics later on.

Ruby [00:04:31]:

How about you? Yeah. I wanted to paint a picture because for me yeah. You describe it exactly like it was for me too. I had a stressful corporate job, and I would use alcohol as a coping tool for my anxiety and stress. But what it felt like for me and maybe you know, first of all, I want to say goody 2 shoes, that just asking the question, you have awareness and curiosity, and that is such a good place to be at first. I want to share my story in terms this is kind of a fun story. Like, picture this.

Ruby [00:05:08]:

You know? Every day, it felt like every single day, I had this, chronic anxiety, stress, even almost depression. Like like, it was like a vibration in my body that felt very dark and heavy and negative, and it was just, like, chronic, always there. And so I was seeing a therapist for years and years. I believe in therapy. And I remember filling out the intake form. It's like a survey to go to my therapist's office. And they would have, like, between 1 and 10, to rate your anxiety, rate your stress, rate your depression and or sadness. And when I was drinking, it was always like a 9 or a 10.

Ruby [00:05:58]:

It was always just so high because that feeling was in my body. And I remember at about 10 months alcohol free, I took the same survey, and I'm looking at it. I mean, just picture yourself looking at this survey and realizing that without alcohol in my system, I could put, like, a 1 or 2 on stress, anxiety, depression. It was so real to me when I saw that survey because you can kinda compare yourself and your journey. Because, you know,the science says it proves that, you know, you create more anxiety to drink. But when I really looked at that survey, I was able to say, yes, It's true.

Ruby [00:06:46]:

So you have to, you know, find your own truth too. Like, get curious. Aware. And then the other part of your question is about staying connected to family. And I love to use the tool and ask myself “what do I really need right now?” I love to ask myself that. And for me, a lot of times when I have stress, I need to move my body. And you might have heard something called a stress cycle, when you build up your stress and then you can release it. It's almost like a dog that, like, shakes before it goes outside.

Ruby [00:07:23]:

I call it the shaking dog. A dog will shake before it eats dinner. It'll shake before it goes inside. It's kind of like, how would you shake? You know? If you wanna use that as an example. And you might want to jump up and do a little dance around the living room or release that stress. And oftentimes, at least for me, it's moving my body. Maybe taking the kids out for a walk, going outside. Yeah.

Ruby [00:07:49]:

So what do you think about that, Susan?

Susan [00:07:51]:

Yeah. I love that. As you know, stress doesn't go away either. Like, yesterday, my day was just a dumpster fire. And I felt I actually even had the thought I mean, I'm alcohol free almost 4 years now, and I had sometimes I rate my day based on, like, if I were drinking, how much I would drink. And yesterday, I was like, oh, today was a 2 bottle day. Like wow, thank God I'm not drinking because I would have gone home and just downed the wine because it was just such a bad day. But I also realized that I also don't choose to, like when I was drinking, I think I would keep that anxiety going.

Susan [00:08:32]:

I would keep that this day really sucked, da da da da, drive home like a crazy person, like, waiting to get to that wine. Right? And so that kept the stress going. In fact, it almost inflamed it. Right? Because it was like, I'm just gonna get to that drink, and I needed a drink to deal with the stress. And I realized, you know, I'm not gonna drink, so I don't drink. And I realized I have a choice. I can either hold on to the stress or I can just let it go and go, yeah, today was kind of a sucky day. I'm gonna let it go.

Susan [00:09:00]:

What do I need to do? Like you said, Ruby, what do I need in order to complete the stress cycle to get that stress out of my body? I came home and I did some yoga because it's still really cold here and I wasn't able to go for a walk. But also a lot of times I'll come home and, you know, go for a walk. Or sometimes I plan an exercise class after work, which I love to work out in the morning, but sometimes when with a stressful job, working out in the evenings is also really helpful for me to get the stress out of my body. And I also noticed, like you said, that you should go for a walk with your family because Goody Two Shoes was looking for a way to stay connected to the family. And so including your kids in whatever you're doing to kind of do that transition from work to home. Like, every night when we come home, we have a one song dance party in the kitchen before we cook dinner or yeah. Once it's now it's getting lighter out, so maybe with the whole fam. You know? I don't know how old Goody 2 Shoes' kids are, but, like, you put all the kids in a wagon and you go around the block a couple of times.

Susan [00:10:06]:

And that is your, like, transition to, like I said, your second job being a mom at home, but it also is helping to create that connection with your family. So that's something that I think would be awesome. I love the one dance one song dance party.

Susan [00:10:23]:

When I play crazy music and dance around with my kids, oh my gosh, they thought it was so funny. Yeah. Moms are crazy, they love that. You know, when mom gets a little crazy, jumps around and acts silly, they kids love that. So Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to also share the something that one of our Facebook group participants

Ruby [00:10:48]:

I'm glad you brought that up. Topic. Yeah. I'm glad you brought that up.

Susan [00:10:53]:

Lovely lovely Joan. I gotta say, if you're not in our Feel It podcast Facebook group, head on over there because we have some amazing people in there. And Joan, actually, I said, hey. You know, I I posted what Goody 2 Shoes put in the comments and said, hey. What do you do? Let's crowdsource here. What are your thoughts? And Joan answered. And Joan is somebody that has coached with Ruby, and your coaching served her well because she has such awesome things to say here. But so Joan says, it's ironic seemingly, but ultimately not drinking for long enough stretches makes you finally feel what it's like to be unstressed, which is sort of what I was talking about about that cycle of anxiety, drinking anxiety keeps you in that anxiety stress cycle.

Susan [00:11:42]:

She said it feels like a trick at first, like you can't quite believe it. And then it happens more and more as AF days increase and you slowly get comfortable enough to trust it that you can have a new normal. The trick, of course, is getting there. So how do you get there through the anxiety at first? And she says, any way you can, any way that works for you. Waiting 15 minutes for the craving to pass, practice lengthening before taking a drink, all tactics we use in our coaching. Right? Talk to someone here in the Facebook group. Yes. Make a plan, scream into a pillow.

Susan [00:12:17]:

Love that. Beat a pillow with a bat. Right? Plan something each evening to look forward to. And then she says climbing in this is almost a lit thing. Climbing into clean sheets sober with your teeth brushed is a good one. Reading with

Susan [00:12:35]:

a cup of peppermint tea and a cozy chair. And then just keep at it even if you fail a 100 times because eventually your body will heal enough to feel peace. The anxiety, no matter how powerful it is, is a temporary trespasser, and you only have to hold your ground till it gets its marching orders. I love that so much.

Ruby [00:12:58]:

Beautiful. Yeah. So many great tactics that we use. Thank you so much. That was so cool. One of my favorite tactics is called staying above 50%. I use this today, and I use it for stress and anxiety.

Ruby [00:13:21]:

Absolutely. So goody 2 shoes, listen in because this is a good one. So throughout the entire day, maybe you even set an alarm in your phone that just asks, how am I feeling? Because you want to be checking in with your feelings and not let yourself go way below. Like, if you have a stressful job and it's a new job, keep checking in. Maybe try to shake like a dog or, you know, not literally, but, like, do something all throughout the day. Check-in with your emotions. Check-in with your stress level. And that way, you're not, like, getting more and more anxiety.

Ruby [00:14:00]:

Right? You want to nip it in the bud, so to speak, earlier on. Like, what can you do? If you're starting to feel more anxious, what do you do? Really set structure style. Maybe go for a little walk to the water cooler. Do something. And I again, I love movement. Little quick dance party in the bathroom. I don't know. But, yeah, you stay above 50%.

Ruby [00:14:22]:

It's so you don't keep letting yourself get down. And above 50% doesn't mean you're, like, super happy screaming, like, I'm so happy. It just means you're above, meaning you're feeling either focused, maybe calm again. And then another thing that I do, if you're in a real mood, having maybe a panic attack, like, actually in severe you know, that, like, really high anxiety level, take a couple deep breaths. Put your hands I put my hands right here on my chest and say, I am loved. I am safe. I'm okay. And right now when I did that, it just brought me right down.

Ruby [00:15:04]:

It puts you right into the present moment, and you can repeat that. I am loved. I am safe, and I'm okay. And hopefully, if you're having, like, an acute anxiety attack, that can be something that's helpful. Yeah. So those are some tactics. Yeah. I love that.

Susan [00:15:22]:

Yeah. Staying above 50%. Yes. Protein a protein snack around 3 PM can really help with the 5 PM cravings as well. And making sure you take a break. I know I work, and I don't take breaks. And I know if I feel so much different if I just take a 10 minute walk. There's like a little you know, I walk around the block at work and come back.

Susan [00:15:45]:

Or if I'm working from home, I walk around the short circle at, you know, in my neighborhood and just that 10 minutes and then just come back in your more regroup. I noticed how different I feel at the end of the day if I've just taken that 10 minutes. Yes. To take a break, get some fresh air. And I just, you know, sometimes I have to force myself away from my desk, but if you're even more productive it doesn't do you any good to stay chained to your desk and just keep pushing through really Exactly. Breaks. So Yeah.

Ruby [00:16:21]:

Yeah. Wow. We were talking before this episode that there's so many tactics around stress and anxiety. So we will probably be doing more episodes in the future around this topic because it's really one of the coping tools for one of the main I would say the main reason I drank was to just relieve stress after a hard workday. So Goody 2 shoes, you are not alone in this. We feel you. And there's just all these other ways that you can learn, kinda have to relearn, how to Mhmm. To deal with anxiety and move through anxiety.

Ruby [00:17:01]:

Know it's temporary. So well, this is the time I'm gonna segue to our favorite time because I love to talk about what we are doing today? And we're you know? So, Susan, what are you doing, you know, these days?

Susan [00:17:18]:

Yeah. So I started once I became alcohol free and I started setting an intention for my day and I was using a planner. And I would just write in the planner every morning in my quiet time, in my morning routine, you know, setting a feeling intention for the day. Like, today, I wanna feel joy. That was the day that I had to hug a tree. Like, if when we talked about joy, remember I said I had so much joy, I had to hug a tree. I was like, wow. This stuff really works.

Susan [00:17:49]:

So also, like, for example, I'll say, you know, I wanna feel empowered today. I wanna feel calm. I wanna feel connection, or I wanna feel productive, or I wanna feel more grounded. Like, I even realized this morning when I came in from the gym, I'm like, okay. I hadn't set an intention because I got up at, like, 5:45 to get to this 6:30 AM class, and I realized that I just rushed around all the time. I came in and I sling the door shut, but I turned around and I shut the door, intentionally, like quietly. And then I feel like, you know, it was almost like a slowdown. So maybe today, my words are to slow down and savor the day.

Susan [00:18:28]:

Like, just do everything with a little bit more intention versus just flailing through my day, you know, at, like, top speed. Like, just take that a little bit extra time to actually just shut the door and then, you know, doing one thing at a time and just how that helps you stay above 50%, you know, just like what we were talking about. Like, because even in my you know, even both of us with the alcohol free time we have, it's still our job to stay above 50%. Now, you feel better in your daily life. But also, we don't ever wanna get so low that we feel tempted. Right? So, yeah, so that was just setting a word of intention for the day, a feeling of intention. Not like, hey. I wanna get all this stuff done.

Susan [00:19:14]:

Like, that's your to do list. Right? This is how you wanna feel as you're going through your day, doing your to do list, doing all the things that we have to do. Right? So that is something that really, really worked for me. And I loved how if I picked the word joy, I actually did feel joy that day. Many days, I was like, I'm gonna keep trying this. Yeah.

Ruby [00:19:40]:

I love this so much. So you just pick a feeling word with intention. This is beautiful. For me, I would say I would ask a question. Like, how can I show myself a little extra kindness today? You know? And and, like, just really focusing on a little bit of self care, a little bit of self compassion. You know? How can I treat myself or show myself a little extra kindness? Because I tended to be a person that would just all day long, like, beat myself up and label myself and, like, that that was bad. That was a bad decision or, you know, just constant. And so, again, awareness, but how can I, you know, like, keep asking myself that question? And at the moment, I just ask myself, is it really true? If I've been labeling myself or beating myself up or not getting so much done on my to do list like you were mentioning a to do list, like, you know, what did I get done, though? Show myself compassion.

Ruby [00:20:42]:

Show kindness. So huge. I love that. I love that. Yeah.

Susan [00:20:48]:

When I get hijacked, my principle that I try to come back to, I don't always get there, but if I go to I am beloved. When I just say that, it just brings everything down. Yeah. I don't always I can't when I'm hijacked, I'm getting better at getting there, but, like, really hijacked, like, you know? And just, oh, I am beloved. Yeah. Yeah.

Ruby [00:21:11]:

Like I said, “I'm loved. I'm safe. I'm okay.” It's very similar. Yes. And you made a really good point. You know I'm 4 and a half years alcohol free. I still have to use these tactics.

Ruby [00:21:25]:

I still, you know? It's not like stress and anxiety is 100% gone. It still shows its face, but I know I have these tools. I keep practicing all these kinds of tools that we just mentioned on this episode and try different things out, see what works for me. You know? Try things out, what works for you, because there are other coping tools for anxiety and stress. There really are. Yeah. 

Susan [00:21:50]:

Yeah. I love that. It's so good to try things too. I always joke around and use this analogy of, like, so you have these new tools in your toolbox, but if you don't know how to use them in the moment, you pull out the screwdriver, let's say, and you're like, I don't know how to use this. You fling it, and you're gonna go back to the old one that you do know how to use, which is the bottle. Right? And we don't want to do that. So you are practicing things, seeing what works for you, and really knowing how to use the tools. Just take, you know, pick a tool that you're gonna use and use it for 1 week.

Susan [00:22:21]:

And say, okay. This week, I'm gonna do a 1 song dance party and see how that works for me? Does it not? And don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work for you. I remember, you know, people talk a lot about taking baths, and so I tried baths, but I didn't really. I'm not a bath person. Whatever. Okay. But I was, like, beating myself up about that. Like, how come I don't like baths? What's wrong with me? This works for other people. It's like, well, who cares? It's fine.

Susan [00:22:44]:

I don't like baths. Baths don’t work for me. The end. You know? So but one one song dance party does. That may not work for you. Maybe you wanna go for a walk, maybe yoga. You know, try all the different things and then have your little toolbox

Ruby [00:22:58]:

Be ready. Or listen, listen within, and it's maybe something it's more likely it's something we haven't even talked about. And it's something that you get to discover. Like, what else to listen within. Ask yourself, what do I really need right now to relieve this anxiety? And see what you come up with. You know? 

Ruby [00:23:21]:

So I just love this topic, and we'll have to do it again because it's so good.

Susan [00:23:24]:

Yes. There's so many more tactics we can talk about and so many different stressful situations, not just, you know, at the end of the day, although that is a big one. And, a big one that a lot of people will really relate to. So we're so thankful for this question, and I hope that more and more of you ask us questions either in the Facebook group or in your review of the pod, and we would love it so much if you would review the pod. That would be so helpful. Thank you.

Ruby [00:23:50]:

So yes. So please join the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Facebook group. It's a really cool community, and we are gonna go live occasionally too. I yeah. I wanna mention that. Alright. Yeah. Thank you for listening.

Ruby [00:24:05]:

Okay. Bye. Bye. Thanks so much for listening to the Feel Lit Alcohol Free Podcast. Do you have a question you'd like us to answer on the show?

Susan [00:24:14]:

All you need to do is head over to Apple Podcasts and do two simple things. Leave a rating and review telling us what you think of the show. And in that review, ask us any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol free lifestyle. That's it. Then tune in to hear your question answered live. Don't forget

Ruby [00:24:34]:

to grab your copy of a wine free weekend at www.feellitpodcast.com

Susan [00:24:40]:

And remember, do something today that will help you feel lit. See you next time.