Susan [00:00:00]:
Sick and tired of your love-hate relationship with wine?
Coach Ruby [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the Feel It Alcohol Free podcast. Hi. I'm coach Ruby Williams.
Susan [00:00:09]:
And I'm coach Susan Larkin.
Coach Ruby [00:00:11]:
We are 2 former wine lovers turned alcohol freedom coaches exposing the lies about alcohol
Susan [00:00:17]:
and giving you, our listeners, the tools to break free so you can feel lit.
Coach Ruby [00:00:25]:
And when you're lit, you'll feel healthier, freer, and more in control of your life.
Susan [00:00:27]:
So relax, kick back, and get ready to feel it alcohol free.
Ruby [00:00:33]:
And don't forget, grab a copy of our wine free weekend guide after the Show.
Hello. Guess what? Today is our ‘friends” episode.
Susan [00:00:48]:
I was trying to sing the song, and Ruby was like, no. So we just do the clapping. The clap.
Coach Ruby [00:00:55]:
Yeah. So friends. So Oh, yeah. We got such a great question from Holly who asked a question in our Facebook group, which if you haven't joined our Facebook book group, please do. It's the Feel LIt Alcohol Free podcast Facebook group. Alright. We'd love to see you there. Okay.
Coach Ruby [00:01:12]:
So here's Holly's questions. They're so good because I just completely relate, and so does Susan. Okay. How much has your friend group changed since you stopped drinking? And do you still have drinking friends? And if so, how many? And would you say that Now that you aren't drinking, are you mainly hanging out with nondrinkers, or what do you do with all those old buds that are still drinking? Okay. Such a great question. Yeah. It's all about has your friend group changed since you stopped drinking? What do you think, Susan? You wanna kick us off?
Susan [00:01:45]:
Sure. Sure. Well, I would not say my friend group has changed that much since I stopped drinking. I did have an experience where my staff at work was going out to happy hour and, like, ex explicitly excluding me. Like, they were having these emails. And, you know, in the past, I would have been involved. You know? Actually, I probably would have been planning it, But they were, like, doing happy hours without me, and I found out because I can see, like, some of my staff's emails in this other email account that we share. And I was, like, Seeing things on the calendar like these ghost things, happy hour, and I'm like, wait.
Susan [00:02:23]:
What? A happy hour? I didn't have an invite, and then all of a sudden, I realized that they, like, didn't invite me on purpose. And, honestly, that kinda hurt a little bit. It did make me feel bad, but, yeah, around my family or Any of my friends that do drink, I just in my alcohol free life, my goal really was to be able to go anywhere and do anything without out drinking and not be seen as a party pooper or be a party pooper. So I put a lot of effort into this, like going out with people and showing that I could be fun and funny without vino. And so I think I've accomplished that. I feel like Sometimes it was I was putting a ton of effort into it. It was kind of exhausting. I remember being at home celebrating a holiday and, like, you know, I had my alcohol free alternative and Being like, being extra, like a little extra maybe.
Susan [00:03:15]:
You know? Like, I'm still fun and funny. You know? Like, putting a little bit of Energy into it, and now I think I've relaxed about it. But, anyway, how about you, Ruby?
Coach Ruby [00:03:25]:
Oh my gosh. I would say that My friend group hasn't changed that much, but I'm going to give you a couple different stories. Like, I'd say in the beginning, I was just too aware, and it was a little awkward to be around a lot of people drinking. It's just well, I was in my head a lot. And I noticed that I would leave a little bit earlier, and that's okay. Like, it's not that it was actually good. Right? When you say leave earlier, oh, does that mean you're a party pooper? No. It was more like I wanna acknowledge and respect my alcohol free journey, and, like, this is important to me.
Coach Ruby [00:04:04]:
So I would stay at, like, a party for maybe an hour or 2 or a couple hours. And as soon as people started getting drunk and annoying and slurring and, you know, telling their stories over and over again, like, It was my, like, cue to go ahead and just gently exit, and I got to drive home safely. Right? I gotta wash my face, put on my pajamas, you know, do my journaling or reading, get into bed, It's sleep well. So it's really what do I gain? But I wanna, yeah, focus back on friends. Okay. Like, another story I thought of was when I first was going alcohol free, I did get invited to some friend's house for dinner. And the old thing because I worked in the wine industry, And so my friends are kinda like we're all, you know, wine wine and foodie we're foodies and wine snobs in a way. Like, we, You know, think wine is so sophisticated.
Coach Ruby [00:05:02]:
And I had to sit there, and there were only 4 of us. And we probably and and I wasn't drinking, so they probably went through 4 bottles. And it was just the whole conversation. I'm sorry. It's kinda boring. When I'm alcohol free, I'm, like, Talking about the taste and that it doesn't have, you know, scents of and flavors of tannin, and I just did it for, like, the whole dinner party. And I started to realize that that's kinda boring, like and it didn't make the food taste better. So yeah.
Coach Ruby [00:05:35]:
I mean, that's kind of where I wanted to start with. We're gonna talk more about friends. And speaking of friends, Susan, You and I met for the 1st time, because you grew up in California, and I live in California. So you were out here visiting family, And we actually said, what should we do? And I remember you said, let's go to a winery and find a winery that has an NA or alcohol free option. And I was really nervous because I had not been to a winery since I was alcohol free. Like, this is gonna be a big FFT. I call it an FFT, like, a frigging first time or fantastic first time, And we ended up going to Deerfield Winery in Kenwood, which was literally across the street from where I used to work. I worked at Kenwood Winery for, like, 20 years.
Coach Ruby [00:06:29]:
So, yeah, do you want to interject your part of the story?
Susan [00:06:34]:
Well yeah. So I knew of this place because I had really liked Their alcohol free option, which is Sonoma soft seltzer. It's h two o Sonoma soft soft seltzer, so I suggested it. I thought it'd be really cool for us to meet there, and I loved you know, I'd never been there before. I loved the venue. I felt like it would be fun for us there. And what was really great is they allowed us to do, like, a tasting with the alcohol free option. It just felt really fun and special.
Susan [00:07:01]:
But what I was kind of amazed by is, Ruby, the manager, the guy that was working there, knew you. Yeah. Made me realize, like, yeah, you knew You know everybody in that industry, and then you did share with me you shared that this was a little uncomfortable and that this is the first time you had been to a winery, since you were alcohol free. And I was like, no. Because you didn't really tell me that in advance. And we sat there and had our alcohol free wine and, I actually bought a bottle of regular wine to bring home to my mom, and I've just always wanted to, like, normalize me being alcohol free and not A big deal for my family or my mom, so I did I did do that, and I bought a whole bunch of the alcohol free one. I'm like, how much do you have? I'm taking it home.
Coach Ruby [00:07:48]:
Yeah. We did. Yeah. But what it was like for me and I wanna share this story because maybe when you might be experienced, like like, even with friends, it was awkward because I'd been to this particular winery, like, many, many times. And many, many out in all those times, I was drinking and drinking heavily, And I just like, flood of memories just went into and that scent, you know, the scent of the grapes. It was just like all of the sensory and memories. And I just said to myself, okay. I'm aware of these memories.
Coach Ruby [00:08:29]:
I'm aware of these thoughts. I'm aware of these feelings. Let's just get curious, and I'm it's a safe place. I'm with my friend, Susan. I know, you know, I know the people that work here, and let's create some new memories. Let's let's, like, get a win under my belt. Right? Like, Let's do this. So we just, you know, just had a really because it's a beautiful place.
Coach Ruby [00:08:51]:
Right? Wineries are Beautiful. They're beautiful locations. The buildings are beautiful. The surroundings are beautiful. It's just an alcohol's addictive substance. So but it was such a great place to meet you, and I will always remember that. Mhmm.
Susan [00:09:08]:
Yeah. And it was even a dreary day, and it was just really fun. And we talked about, like, what can you do in a wine country that doesn't include Wine. You know? That's because it is such a beautiful place, and it's and and this feeling of, like, oh, you know, if I'm alcohol free, I'm never gonna be able to go to wine country again. That's just not true because Wine Country also has a lot of olive oil tastings. They have art. I mean, there's just a lot. And we went out for this member of Indian food that was delicious because you knew both places close by, and that was so fun.
Susan [00:09:38]:
Like, there were so many things we could do in that space. And I
Coach Ruby [00:09:42]:
do wanna do another but let's do another episode on this. Okay?
Susan [00:09:47]:
Yeah. What can you do?
Coach Ruby [00:09:47]:
Love, yeah. What can you do in wine country? And then we'll totally research it. And, like, we're gonna come up with amazing, yeah, ideas. Yeah. Totally.
Susan [00:09:56]:
I'd love that. Well, just to pivot, like, my Friend story, one that comes to mind is a friend who I was nervous about telling that I'd gone alcohol free because one of the things that we did do is we'd gone to wine tastings at this local, wine store bottle shop and fancy wines. And, like, when we would get together, she would usually bring some sort of fancy sparkling with, like, a little liqueur that we could put into but make of these fancy drinks. And I just was embarrassed, and I I looked up to this person. I thought, how am I gonna approach the subject, and it ends up that we met at a local brewery which has alcohol free beer. So I had an alcohol free beer, and this is after quite a bit of time of being alcohol free because I started my journey in June 2020. So that was, of course, during COVID, so nobody was going out. And so I had my alcohol free beer, and I, you know, was sort of sharing that I'd given up alcohol during COVID.
Susan [00:10:56]:
And you just never know. Like, this person who I was so nervous about Telling was just so receptive and, like, yeah. You know? I know you know, telling me about their daughter and and feeling like their daughter needed to cut back, just was so receptive, and you just don't know. And then later, I find out they started following me on Instagram. And I'm just like, okay. Like, The thing that I was the most worried about, really, and embarrassed ended up being somebody who I feel like I kind of influenced, maybe in a positive way. And so you just don't know who you're going to, who you're gonna help Who's just gonna receive your story and go, yeah. Maybe I should drink less or look into this or try a wine free weekend or, you know, where my own drinking is. So, yeah.
Coach Ruby [00:11:46]:
So I have a story around, And I just really relate to that, that it's more in your head, right, than
Susan [00:11:53]:
Yes.
Coach Ruby [00:11:54]:
And then what actually happens a lot of times. But one story I was thinking of just now when you were talking is that, like, I have this friend that's a couple that we that that what we did was drank. That's how we started doing the 1st time I met them, and what I noticed is that they did kinda like your story. They stopped inviting me as much. And then when they did start to invite me again, I realized, I don't know if that's what I wanna do because I know it's just literally a drinking fest. There's like JellO shots, and all kinds of alcohol, and just it's I don't know. As a 50 plus year old person woman. I don't know if that's what I wanna do, and I don't you know, there's so many other things to do.
Coach Ruby [00:12:40]:
Right? So it did hurt my feelings a little, but here's the thing. This is the cool part. By the way, You know, you can really do what's called a friend audit. And and every year, I do this, and I kinda look at which friends Are adding to my life and making me feel better about myself and support, like, what I wanna do, like my alcohol free journey, which friends Maybe are bringing me down or are not necessarily supportive of and and you can spend less time with people and more time with people. I also like to say that friends come in seasons. You know, I have friends that come in seasons where I can think back to when my son was little, And I had mom friends, and we would, like, hike every weekend for, like, 2 years. It doesn't mean we're not friends anymore because that kinda changed and evolved. So there's like friend seasons, and then I wanna share.
Coach Ruby [00:13:35]:
I just remembered all these things. That by eliminating or or seeing less of certain friends, I made room for new friends. So here's the part of your question, Holly, that I don't know, but you make room for new friends. Like, I have wonderful maybe the best friends I've ever had since I've gone alcohol free, which my story or I my Sobriety date is May of 2019. So I met a lot of these people in AA, actually. So I mean, AA was great for meeting people in person, and I still am best friends with so many sober women. And it's like a gift. So I'm not so concerned about which friends kind of, you know, went not I wouldn't say go away, but, like, we do different things too.
Coach Ruby [00:14:27]:
So I still meet my friends that I used to go out for happy hour with, but now we meet for coffee. Like, there's different things that we do too. So It's not as scary as you think, Holly, and everyone. You kinda let your friends unfold. I love the word unfold.
Susan [00:14:45]:
Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, by doing a friend audit, I love the language around that. But You could also see, is this a friend that can transition to doing more alcohol free things, or is this just a drinking buddy friend? Is that the only thing we had in common? Right. By inviting them to other things. Like, do you wanna go for a hike, or do you wanna go, you know, see a show, see a play, or whatever? And if really you end up kind of exploring this with them, they really are just the people that just wanted to sit around and drink.
Susan [00:15:16]:
Then, like, exactly. It may just not it may that season of that friend may have run its course because you just don't have as much in common anymore. But if you do wanna keep them as a friend or They end up being a family member that you do wanna spend time with, then really exploring ways to to find other things to do or just kinda like what you suggested. You just don't stay as long. You know what I mean?
Coach Ruby [00:15:40]:
Like,
Susan [00:15:40]:
we do get together. You're And then, you know, once everybody's getting a little slurry, it's like, okay. I'm ready to go.
Coach Ruby [00:15:45]:
Ready to go.
Susan [00:15:47]:
You wanna spend time with them when they're coherent and able to Interact with you and then Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. And, you know, how to Share that you're not drinking with friends. We have a really good tactic, Ruby. What do you want to share?
Coach Ruby [00:16:06]:
This tactic. Instead of, like, going and meeting them let's say you're meeting them at a happy hour or, you know, for dinner. Instead of, like, dropping it on them, you know, at dinner, hey there, friend. Guess what? I'm not drinking. And then it Creates like a conversation, and maybe you then feel like you're missing out and then maybe you end up drinking. What I do for accountability and just You text first. It and whatever you wanna say, you just send it in a text maybe an hour before you meet them so that gives them your friend a little time to, like, Process it. Process it before they meet you, and then maybe there's not even a discussion.
Coach Ruby [00:16:48]:
You just order your alcohol free beverage of choice, You know? And they order their wine, and you're all good to go. And maybe you don't even have to have much of a discussion around it if you text first, and its accountability. You said to your friend, guess what? I'm not drinking tonight. Yeah. I love that tactic. Yeah.
Susan [00:17:09]:
Yeah. I love that. Yeah. I also feel like I have to, you know, work on this with myself as I don't have to Tell all the gory details. You can just say, you know, hey. I'm not drinking. If they're like, oh, why? That's weird. You know? You just say, oh, I just feel so much better and smile and change the subject.
Susan [00:17:27]:
Because, you know, that's the perfect line. Because what are people gonna say? They want you to feel like crap. Right? If you just Say, oh, no. You know? I just feel so much better when I'm not drinking and, you know, and then change the subject like, wow. Did you get your haircut or whatever? I think People love to talk about themselves. And if it's really not a big deal for them, then I think they just go along with it. You know what I mean? If it is a big deal for them. Then they're saying much more about them than you, to be honest with you, because you're holding up a mirror and they may be feeling if they're uncomfortable with you not drinking, that Probably means that they're uncomfortable with their drinking, to be honest with you.
Susan [00:18:07]:
So that's something to keep in mind. Doesn't make it any more comfortable at the moment. But, yeah, but just not feeling like you don't have to tell all. You don't owe anyone an explanation about why you're not drinking. Why do you know, we do, we talk about this in the sober verse. I love that phrase. But in this community is why do we have to make up an excuse or have a reason for not wanting to drink ethanol. I know.
Susan [00:18:32]:
Crazy. You know? It's kinda like yeah. You wouldn't say you know? You wouldn't have to have an excuse for not doing cocaine or, like, or any other drug, even pot. It would just be like, no. I don't do that. And people are like, Oh, okay. No big deal. But gosh.
Susan [00:18:47]:
Darn. If you say you don't drink, people get all up in arms about that. You know? It's just like, what is going on with this?
Coach Ruby [00:18:53]:
So, yeah, it's kinda crazy. It's Kinda crazy. I just feel better. And, you know, a really good tip is to keep it positive. Instead of, like, I am not drinking. You know, like, you can just, I feel better. I'm trying to lose weight and yeah. Or whatever.
Coach Ruby [00:19:09]:
You come up with your excuse. And just by you, you were mentioning, like, that kinda mirror showing up on with people, but just by you mentioning 1 person, 1 friend. And if it's a drinking friend you know what? And they're drinking like you are, and they've been keeping up with you, they may have a problem too, and they're they And by you being honest and just saying, I'm I'm, you know, looking at my drinking, I might wanna change my relationship with drinking, I just feel better, You're really planting a seed, and you might just make a difference with your friend. You know? They may not be ready to hear it, But you've planted a seed just by saying and being vulnerable and being open to just say, I'm looking at my relationship, and I just feel better. It's really amazing how the ripple effect can go to family and friends and coworkers and because I want that's why we're doing this podcast. One of the main reasons
Susan [00:20:09]:
Yeah.
Coach Ruby [00:20:09]:
Is to share the word, get the message out there. It's not something we need to be ashamed of. We want this alcohol free movement to just keep moving forward and more and more people to be open about it and wanting to try this with curiosity.
Susan [00:20:24]:
Curiosity. Yeah. Normalize normalize not drinking. Absolutely. That is my goal as well. And You're so right. It may not happen overnight, but as you continue on just being you, just living your life, showing the glow up is real. It really is.
Susan [00:20:42]:
Like, every area of your life improves. And as you just live your life, people see that, and they're like, And they know because you've told them, you know, that you stopped drinking, and then they just see it, and it has an influence. And I've seen it in my life. I've seen it since we even started this podcast. People have reached out to me. People that I haven't heard from or don't even barely know, but you know how you're with all kinds of people on Facebook, and they're saying, hey. You know, I really love this, and I'm gonna try it, or I did quit drinking or love this message. And that is Just means the world to me, honestly.
Susan [00:21:14]:
It's just so amazing. It's making me talk about feeling lit. That's making me feel lit is hearing from people. So, yeah, it's an awesome thing.
Coach Ruby [00:21:25]:
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Right when you said that, my chest got all like, I feel true joy when I know we're helping to change lives because if you're in if you're in that place where You've lost hope or you feel so alone and you think you're to blame. I want you to know that there is so much hope. Because if I can do it, I thought I was, like, so alone and in the worst place. Like, really, it was like I felt despair. And I actually say the phrase like it was like Groundhog's Day. You know? This constant cycle, but there's a way out.
Coach Ruby [00:22:03]:
And, Through listening to this podcast, I think we can help people just move to that next, you know, to start, to try it. Try an alcohol free weekend with our guide too. Like, I think our guide is amazing, so please. Yeah. So
Susan [00:22:20]:
Yeah. We did put a lot of value into it. There's a lot packed in there. It could be you could use that for alcohol free months, I think, if you Probably. There is a lot of stuff in there. But yeah. So, Ruby, is it worth the time of our podcast where I ask you. What are you doing today to feel lit?
Coach Ruby [00:22:42]:
Okay. I thought I'd keep it on topic with friends since this is a friend episode. And my BFF is my dog. I wanted to talk about our pets. My dog is named Bagel. And I wanna talk about our pets because they are so special, and they just Have unconditional love, and they're always there for you no matter what. But you know what? I wanna just talk about the difference, like, from my dog's perspective. I mean, I think he was worried about me when I was drinking every day.
Coach Ruby [00:23:18]:
I think he was bored to, like, be like, oh my god. She's gonna be on the couch again for the whole rest of the night. She's gonna fall asleep. I mean, I always walked her, but I I mean, now, I mean, I feel lit. Right? So feeling lit is Waking up in the morning really excited to just tackle the day, seize the day, and I start off with a walk with my dog and Definitely take them for a really long walk, multiple times per day. You know, every time I can. I just moved, which is kinda funny. I just moved into a new place that's on a Vineyard.
Coach Ruby [00:23:55]:
And my son was like, mom, you just moved to Vineyard, and you're an alcohol freedom coach. How's that feel? And I was like, actually, it feels just fine because the grapes are actually beautiful. I don't have a problem with grapes. They're beautiful, you know, produce, and grapevines are beautiful. So it's not the grape's fault here. That such could be or it's not Grape's fault. But yeah. So I walk my dog.
Coach Ruby [00:24:26]:
And dogs, I think they really Can be your best friends. Like, they really can, so don't knock it. I know we're talking about human friends, but
Susan [00:24:35]:
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. I think that's Awesome. I think that's awesome. Bagel's so cute too. We should, like, post some pictures of my dog Bagel.
Coach Ruby [00:24:43]:
I'm gonna post Yeah. In the Facebook community of right when this episode airs, I'll post pictures of Bagel, and I did a little funny You'll see. It's a funny little video about okay. I won't share anymore. It'll be a surprise in the Facebook group. So you have to join the Facebook group to see it.
Susan [00:25:03]:
Yay. Yes. It's so fun. Everyone is super, super nice, and it's private. So if you're in that group and you're posting, it only goes to that group, so it's not gonna go out to your normal feed. So it may be a place if you don't have any place to really share about your struggles or even about being alcohol free and how much you love it. That is a place that you can come and share with us, and we're having a really good time there. So we're so excited about this episode and all of our episodes, and we'd love to hear from you.
Susan [00:25:33]:
So please, please, please, in the Facebook group, ask us your questions or share with us What makes you feel lit? Because we will feature you on one of our episodes.
Coach Ruby [00:25:44]:
Yes. Alright. This has been So much fun. I love talking about friends, and it's our friends episode, and you're one of my best friends too, Susan. So I know. I know.
Susan [00:25:55]:
I do have to say that that was the thing. It just came to my mind that the people I've met in the alcohol free world are amazing. Amazing, beautiful people. And so even though maybe you have lost some of your drinking buddy friends I mean, some of my newest friends are just Just so dear to me. So including you, Ruby. And Yeah. So I think doing a friend audit might not be a bad idea. So Yeah.
Coach Ruby [00:26:20]:
Like, you wanna what is that phrase? Whoever's around you the 5 people that you spend the most time with, you know, or Something around that. So you wanna be around people that really boost you up and support what you're doing, your life. Yeah. Alright. Thank you so much for listening. Dog. Thank you. Yay.
Coach Ruby [00:26:40]:
Bye. Thanks so much for listening to the FEEL LIT alcohol free podcast. Do you have a question you'd like us to answer on the show?
Susan [00:26:50]:
All you need to do is head over to Apple Podcasts and do 2 simple things. Leave a rating and review telling us what you think of the show. And in that review, ask us Any questions you have about breaking free from wine or living an alcohol free lifestyle. That's it. Then Tune in to hear your question answered live. Don't forget to grab your copy of a wine free weekend at wwwfeelitpodcast.com, and remember, do something today that will help you feel lit. See you next time.