Susan [00:00:00]:
Hi, and welcome back. We're so excited to be here with you. So let's just dive right in to the question of the day, which is, how do you decide if you're ready to take a break from drinking? Wow. That is a great question. Yes. Well, I'm excited to answer because, actually, there is some questions that you can ask yourself. They're called readiness for change questions. And the first question, I guess, I'll ask you, Ruby, So when you were stopping drinking, how did you believe you must change, Ruby?
Ruby [00:00:46]:
That was probably one of the I mean, I kept waiting and waiting and and thinking I needed to hit some sort of fictional rock bottom. And now that I look back, actually, no one needs to wait for this, like, rock bottom. What's the rock bottom? You know? Losing your job or marriage or getting a DUI. I mean, none of those things happened to me, so I thought, I don't need to change. You know? I I'm, you know, I'm functional. I'm doing okay, but I didn't feel good. But I really believed at some point that I must change, and I think it was for my health. My health was my biggest reason.
Ruby [00:01:32]:
Honestly, Susan, I was, like, I was losing my eyesight. I was feeling so much heart pain and liver and, like, stomach pains and liver pains, and, it felt like my body and health was going downhill fast. And I started to look at my son who was in college, and, you know, he's he's not married or having babies now, but I was like, what kind of a grandmother am I going to be? Or will I even be around to be a grandmother? It really like that kind of really hit home for me. I have a great uncle who was deep in back in the, like, 19 seventies and eighties, and all I did was lay on a couch, and drink, and watch TV, and smoke. Like, that's and so I had this image in my head of that's what was gonna happen to me. Yeah. Very, very scary, image of a family member who basically drank himself to death? And I I was really worried, you know, because it just kept taking more and more alcohol. Like, it just it never seemed like like the, you know, the train just kept is going faster and faster if you wanna like, in in that visual, this train of, like, alcohol.
Ruby [00:02:58]:
So I did reach a point where I felt like I must change if I wanna be a healthy, vibrant grandmother one day, and which is what I really wanna be. I wanna be that grandmother that is playing with grandkids and going on trips and taking him to the park and and not just, again, visualizing, like, my great uncle who was laying on a couch watching TV and drinking. Like, that's all he did. He never left his apartment. So I it got scary. Yeah. It got scary for me. What about you, Susan? Did you feel like you believe that you must change.
Susan [00:03:37]:
I think I finally did right before I I did really in June 2020. 2019, when I was very, very curious, I I got to a point where I was like, I've got to do something about this. I'm overdrinking. I don't feel good. And for me, it was more my mental health and my physical health. Although, once I stopped, I could see how much physically I felt better. But I just the beating myself up, I just I couldn't go on hating myself the way I did. I just was so mean to myself if I would drink or over drink. And, and, you know, over drinking is relative.
Susan [00:04:13]:
Like, if I went out and said I was only gonna have 1 glass of wine and then I had 3 or, you know, I would beat myself up. You know? So I, I just was that was the shame, and how bad I felt about myself was really what brought me to the brink of, like, I don't wanna live like this anymore. I had that moment where I woke up and I was just like, who cares? And then I just went, wait. I care. Wait. This is my one life. Yeah. And so I think that was the moment.
Susan [00:04:45]:
And, again, I wanna emphasize just like you did too. We you don't need to wait for a rock bottom moment, especially to start exploring your drinking. But Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Something must change, you know, and just just really recognizing that is it is important because it really does give you this this sort of inner fortitude that, you know, you're gonna like, propel you forward, I think. Yeah.
Susan [00:05:11]:
Yeah. So Yeah. Next question. Question.
Ruby [00:05:17]:
You know, it has to do with responsibility. And and do you believe you are 100% responsible for making this change? Do you have a story around that, Susan?
Susan [00:05:32]:
When I, again, heard in the Annie Grace webinar that it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility? Like, the not your fault part allowed me to grab onto it is your responsibility. Like, the shame and the blame was just so surrounding me that I wasn't able to, like, take responsibility because I was I wouldn't I didn't wanna admit I had a problem. I didn't want to have a problem, and so my all my actions were to try to show the world, show myself that I didn't have a problem. And until I just went, okay, here I am. This is a problem, you know, definitely, I must change. So the number 1, you know, question is there. And then number 2, okay.
Susan [00:06:20]:
Just taking the blame away and allowed it's not my fault. I'm just here. It's an addictive substance. I used it as a tool to cope with as a coping mechanism. You are here. It kinda allowed me to put myself on the map and then take responsibility for, here I am on the map. I wanna get somewhere else, and now I can navigate my way there. So, yes, that's my story about really, being able to to take responsibility for it.
Susan [00:06:50]:
But it was that I needed to have some self compassion, and I needed to, to I needed to ditch the shame and blame. You know?
Ruby [00:07:02]:
Mhmm.
Susan [00:07:03]:
How about you?
Ruby [00:07:05]:
Yeah. I'm really relating, and I'll just chime in and say that this piece is a big one. Instead of blaming others or or being in that kind of victimhood, like, well, I I drink because it's like I said in in other episodes, like, I drink because I work in the wine industry. Right? That was like, you know, not taking responsibility. Now I like to say that I the first half of my life, I tried it with drinking as my coping tool. And, I'm gonna take responsibility, pull up my big girl pants, you know, do the hard thing and say, okay, what's life gonna be like if I take responsibility for my drinking? Figure this out. And what's life gonna be like alcohol free? I was so curious, because I tried it drinking and coping with drinking and numbing all my emotions and kinda just checking out every day. I'm yeah.
Ruby [00:08:11]:
So I it's curious and awareness curiosity and where we're gonna keep bringing up curiosity and awareness and, like, self compassion. Like, that it's not my fault, but it's my responsibility. I'm gonna echo what you just said because, Yeah. I drank every day and I drink to excess or whatever you wanna call that, but it's just my brain acting normal? It's you know, we'll talk more about the science in other episodes, but it's just a normal brain. I we're it's not our fault, but it's our responsibility. I I just wanna say that over and over again to you all that are listening because it's so true.
Susan [00:08:50]:
Yeah. Was very freeing, so that's awesome. Yeah. So the next question in the readiness for change is do you believe you can change? Change. That's a biggie.
Ruby [00:09:04]:
Yeah.
Susan [00:09:05]:
Yeah.
Ruby [00:09:06]:
For years, I don't think I've I didn't I didn't feel like I could change. I really truly thought I was stuck. I probably for 7 years, I felt like I was aware of the problem, but I couldn't figure out how to make I tried like, we talked about before, like, rules, and I tried all these different things. But, I didn't I didn't think I could change. But then I started reading quit lit and getting involved with communities and seeing that people actually can do this. Okay. So if other people can do this Yeah. Then I can do this, you know, and I wanna give you so much hope.
Ruby [00:09:53]:
I made the change. Coach Susan made the change. Like, we've made it. We can be your example. We can be the people that can you can say, okay, if Ruby, coach Ruby and coach Susan did it. Well, I can do it too. And we have ways to help you out and support in communities and all of that. So, yeah.
Ruby [00:10:10]:
We'll talk about community in a minute. But, yeah. I just I think discovering this naked mind also was huge in a different approach that had a lot of self compassion. Instead of the AA approach, which was all about shame and blame and white knuckling, like, that did not resonate with me. But the self compassion, stopping, beating myself up, I, gave me hope. I think that's that's another thing I wanna mention here. Like, hope is such a powerful emotion. Instead of being in despair, I had hope that, okay, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to figure this out.
Ruby [00:10:50]:
Yeah. What about you?
Susan [00:10:52]:
Well, finding community definitely was a big factor. Finding out that there were other women like me that struggled, that were gray area drinkers, that really helped, seeing other people do it, reading the quitlit. But, also, a lot of people feel like, oh, I've been unsuccessful before. You know? I've had that with clients. I mean, what if what what if it doesn't before. You know? I've had that with clients. I mean, what if what what if it doesn't work this time? Because, you know, I had 6 months and then I went back to drinking or I had 1 month, and then I went back to drinking. It's like what I love to say is you don't lose any of your alcohol free days.
Susan [00:11:25]:
Any day you were alcohol free, you learned from because even because I had that, you know, experience in AA back in, like, 2013, 2014. And then when I started getting, sober curious again in 2019, and then when I really went for it in 2020, I for example, the first thing that came up in July was my birthday. And
Ruby [00:11:47]:
but I said, wait a minute.
Susan [00:11:49]:
I was alcohol free in 2013 on my birthday, and I was also also doing a dry July in 2019 on my birthday. So here I am 2020, and I'm like, wait a minute. I've already done 2 alcohol free birthdays. I can do this. So you can really draw back on some of those times, or you can draw upon the hard things you've just done in your life. You know, we can do hard things.
Ruby [00:12:13]:
We can do hard things. I love that phrase.
Susan [00:12:15]:
I love Of course, you can change. Of course you can do it. Even if it's hard, you can do it. Everyone can do it. You just have to dig in and be willing to to be uncomfortable, really. You know? And and it and it is hard, but it's doable. You know what I mean? Like, I love that. I when I do my spinning classes, they're like, turn it to the, the pressure that's hard but doable.
Susan [00:12:40]:
And I'm like, yeah. It's hard but doable. You know? And, it doesn't mean perfection. Doesn't mean you're not gonna you know, it's not a linear path. Doesn't mean you're gonna start day 1 and, you know, be perfect the whole time, but you can do it. You know? And the only failure is to stop trying. Right?
Ruby [00:12:58]:
Great. You cannot fail if you do not stop trying. So, we were asking, king like, the main question is, like, how do you decide if you're ready to take a break? And I'll just recap. Like, do you believe you must change? Do you you believe you're 100% responsible for the change? Do you believe you can change? And then the last 1 is, are you excited and curious about being alcohol free? Like, I think this is an important part. And what what do you think about that? What's what's alcohol free life like for you, Susan?
Susan [00:13:36]:
Well, is amazing. It's more you know, everybody says that, and then I'm sure it's really hard when you're on the other side going, oh, well, great. Glad for you. It's amazing, but it's not amazing yet for me. And I totally get that. I totally get it. But I'm hoping that when you hear enough stories from people who are like, I never imagined it's better than I ever anticipated or imagined it could be. Sometimes it's awkward.
Susan [00:13:59]:
Sometimes it's hard, you know, because we live in such an alcohol centric world but waking up, hanging over free never gets old. The mental freedom that I have of not beating myself self up anymore? And, I mean, there was a point, like, probably when I got about to a 100 days, a little over a 100 days where I started feeling what is joy? I wasn't sure what it was at first. I'm like, what am I feeling this intense happiness? It's weird. You know? It's Right. You know? Because I just had been under this wet blanket or this, you know, gray cloud for so long? So you start to feel your feelings. You start to feel more joy. You start to work on creating better coping mechanisms. You start to just feel more empowered, and and, yeah, it's it it is more amazing than you could imagine, and so I just encourage everyone to anticipate that it is gonna be amazing and from the people that have gone before you.
Susan [00:15:01]:
I don't think I could I've ever heard a person who went alcohol free and said, yeah, really kinda sucked. You know, my life now being alcohol free is no good. It's like, no. I've never heard that. I've never ever heard 1 person say that.
Ruby [00:15:15]:
How about you, Ruby? I've never heard anybody say that, but I have heard people talk about that they're not ready for a feeling all the feelings? Or that was like Mhmm. You know, you you start to learn that okay. I love this phrase. The I use this sometimes, Susan, when I'm talking to clients and stuff. We are not human beings but human feelings? Like, what if the purpose of life is to feel or or and to feel lit? Like, I love the name of our podcast.
Susan:
But to feel to feel it, to feel it too. Like, feel all the feelings. Yeah. Experience true emotion. Instead of living life just is wanting to numb everything. Feel, even feel sadness. There's some beauty in feeling sadness. I was afraid of it, and feeling true joy, not that artificial alcohol joy, which isn't even I I don't now that I feel true joy, it's it was fake.
Ruby [00:16:15]:
It was fake. Yeah. It was it's weird. It's hard to explain until you get to the other side. But, I'm gonna tell a little story about what this experience is like. So picture, you're in like a dark cave, and you're chained to the back of a cave with other people, and you're all looking at this wall, that's all you can see. And you can see maybe some light that's coming from the back of the cave, but you don't quite know that the other side of the cave, there's like the sky and the sun and but you're the person like, I feel like I was the person that broke away from this. I broke away.
Ruby [00:17:05]:
I was brave. I decided to get curious and believe that I could change and do everything in my power to make the change and get the support I needed. And I got out to the outside of that cave, and it was beautiful. It was Technicolor. It was Yeah. Sunshine and green grass, and and then I thought, well, what am I gonna do with all those other people that are stuck in that cave and chained? And I I wanna help? Like, I I it's it's almost like, you have to almost be in the darkness to see the light and be in the lightness to also see the dark. There there's something there, and I I made the decision to to go back into this cave, and that's what I'm doing, like, right now, like, to talk to you who's listening right now, and and I just want you to know that this alcohol free lifestyle is worth it. It's worth this.
Ruby [00:18:07]:
It really is. The the better sleep. I will lost weight. I look younger, feel better. The joy that Susan talked about, it's it's truly possible for you too. It truly is. There's so much hope.
Susan [00:18:21]:
Yeah. And I think the emotional safety too. I call it emotional safety, but emotional maturity that I've gained. At one point, I wasn't even quite a a year alcohol free. I was let's see. Started in June. It was probably, yeah. 6 to 8 months.
Susan [00:18:37]:
I remember thinking that if, you know, you could may wave a magic wand, and I could go back, you know, what I wanted what I wanted to be, a normal, quote, unquote, normal drinker. If I could go back and become a normal drinker, but I would have to, like, give back or lose everything I'd learned on my alcohol free journey. If you gave me that choice, I would not go back. I learned so much about myself, and I started to actually like myself. Like, I would in everything I learned and everything that I gained, I would never trade that for stupid old alcohol. Again, no way. And that was a huge I I think that was a huge turning point in my alcohol free journey is just that revelation of, like, every you know, people say sometimes in in different groups, you know, I'm grateful for this experience because it's made me a better person. I agree.
Susan [00:19:33]:
Of course. So much. And to even have gratitude for how for the fact that you even had this problem because it led you to becoming who you are today. Exactly yeah. I believe I believe
Ruby [00:19:49]:
the same thing because if I could have just continued on drinking and never discovered this new confidence in myself, trust in myself, and just belief, in I can do hard things. I can do
Susan [00:20:07]:
this. Yeah. Yeah, helps in other areas of our life too.
Ruby [00:20:11]:
Mhmm.
Susan [00:20:11]:
So amazing. Hi, Mel. So we are at the other fun part of our podcast, which is to talk about what we are doing to feel lit. So today, I'm gonna ask you, Ruby, what is something that you do either on a regular basis or every now and then, or what are you doing to feel lit?
Ruby [00:20:34]:
What am I doing to feel it? And you can say feel it too if you say it, like, fast. Yeah.
Susan [00:20:41]:
Feel it. Feel it.
Ruby [00:20:42]:
So when I was drinking, I think I lost sight of a lot of emotions, true emotions. In one of the emotions is gratitude. And I I really cultivate now this feeling of gratitude every single day. And it's quite simple. All you have to simply do, and it seems silly at first. I was like, really when someone told me this, like, years ago, just simply write down 3 things that you're grateful for every day. I thought, how's that gonna change my life? Will it chi it really, you you take, the 5 minutes of your day or or less. It's very quick.
Ruby [00:21:22]:
But I'm gonna challenge you to some other things. Okay. So you write down your 3 things. Okay? Whatever they are. You can do basic things like, I'm grateful for water, food, and shelter. You can do things like I love the scent of vanilla. You could do people. I you know, I'm grateful for my mom and my son and my best friend? Right? You it could be peep it could be so many things.
Ruby [00:21:44]:
It's and if you have a pro need help with it, you know, you can just Google, what can I put on my gratitude list? I mean, it's anything. But the the, I want you to level up on your gratitude list by asking yourself, why? Why did I put that on the list? And then feel whether now I put my hands, like, on my upper chest or, like, put my hands on my body so I can really feel, maybe close your eyes, and then feel that love for your child. Feel that gratitude for fresh water or whatever you have on your list. So that's how you can level up. Supercharge your gratitude list is why did you put it on there, and then take a few seconds of feeling the gratitude. Yeah. And that's Yeah. What I I love it.
Ruby [00:22:36]:
Feel it. That's how I feel it. I feel the gratitude.
Susan [00:22:39]:
Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. When I started doing some gratitude work, my marriage really improved because I started to try to find one thing I was grateful for my husband every day.
Ruby [00:22:57]:
I love that.
Susan [00:22:57]:
When things were a little rocky. You know, it's it is it is rocky when 1 person changes their relationship with a substance that you use to use to do together. You know what I mean? And it got tricky there in the beginning and things so much better, but I really took it on of, like I wanted to see how I could improve things just on my end. And so that was the one thing one of the things I did, and, it made a huge difference. Huge. Huge. So, it's it's there's a huge power. Huge I'm saying it again.
Susan [00:23:29]:
There's a great power in the in a gratitude practice. And, so that's so awesome, and thank you for sharing.
Ruby [00:23:36]:
Yeah. And I wanna hear more about that. I think that's future episode for sure. Like, how does it impact a relationship, like a marriage, when 1 person gets alcohol free? I I
Ruby [00:23:46]:
I think that's a really good idea? Yeah. Yeah. We'd love to do that.
Susan [00:23:51]:
But what I wanted to share before we close is that we have a Facebook group. It's the Feel It Podcast Facebook group, and anyone can join if you're a listener and if you need community, you need connection, you're at this point where you're questioning your drinking, or you're already alcohol free but you feel lonely in your alcohol free life? Because I think that can happen too. Just having connection and community. We would love for you to be part of our community, so find us on Facebook. We're gonna put a link in the show notes, and, we would love to see you in the Feel Lit podcast community. We can share all the things with. Yay. So thanks so much.
Susan [00:24:29]:
See you next time.